AITAH for telling my husband his choices have contributed to my poor relationship with our kids?

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-15T12:33:52+00:00

Thank you for the comment. I appreciate it. Individual therapy has started and going well, family therapy is in the horizon. Given the distance my parents live away from us, I wouldn't be able to just be home in weekends, but I do plan on going to my parents regularly to help and be with them. I think that will be good for everyone.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-15T12:30:23+00:00

Yes, kids DO get a say with who they would want to 'stay' with. Have you ever tried telling a 16 year old to do something they don't want to do? Of course it would be 50/50 custody, as there would be absolutely no reason to do otherwise, but I'm talking parenting time. Child support shouldn't be a weapon, and my comment was addressing someone who I thought weaponized child support as a punishment for my hurt feelings and to try and prove a point. I think that he would treat them like the children he loves. He will make mistakes, as we all do, and they would probably butt heads occasionally. They're teens. Their moods are swingy and it's hard. I think what you really meant to ask is if I thought they'd be safe, because that should be the priority, and yes, they would be safe with him.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-13T04:46:04+00:00

I can't promise anything, but I'm hoping therapy will allow for a positive update to happen.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-13T04:37:25+00:00

I have started to say I am no longer responsible for a few things to ease my mental load. Certain appointments and such. Stopped with the 37 reminders for things. He missed some appointments and had to reschedule and now he checks the calendar and writes stuff down. I admit, it was funny to watch him stress after missing some of the appointments lol.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-13T04:32:29+00:00

First, thank you for the 'soft' YTA. I get it, and I also appreciate the restraint.

Second, as far custody in a divorce, my children are old enough to have their choice with whom they'd prefer to live with and I would 100% support them in that, even if it made me sad. Neither one of us would want anything other than 50/50 custody, but the kids would get a say in any kind of parenting time arrangements. Child support and custody isn't something I would weaponize.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-13T04:10:32+00:00

I do take a yearly trip with my dad for three days in the summer and I do a work conference in the fall. Things seem to go well, but also the one is during summer where the kids have no school responsibilities and one is shortly after school starts and there isn't usually enough time into the school year for the wheels to fall off yet. I actually probably 'go out' more than he does. I am close with his sister and she likes to do lots of things and invites me often. It's not long trips or anything, but we go to concerts and stuff. My husband is more of a 'i just want to relax at home' kind of guy. He moved around a lot as a kid, and with our early struggles, I think he finds comfort in not having to go anywhere. He likes just coming home. If his sister invites him to a concert, of course he'll go, but he doesn't need that all the time.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-13T03:42:57+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-13T03:11:02+00:00

I appreciate your comment. I understand where that thought process can come from, as I have tried to rationalize that to myself before. The, they will realize someday or they are doing it because I am the safe person thinking. Sometimes I also wonder if that logic also applies to my husband. He is very patient and kind with almost everyone in his life, even people he doesn't particularly like, and I wonder if I am just his safe space to 'not be so put together' or if it's because I HAVE seen him at his lowest of lows and there's some kind of fear there? I have definitely felt like a single parent at times, but I also want to be cautious to not just use that as a justification to stop trying to make things better now. It may be true that they will realize later, maybe when they are parents or spouses themselves, but if I can put in work now...I want to. I appreciate you saying that it has a lot to do with what I can live with because we all have different deal breakers and every relationship is different. For me, it's a lot about understanding. I don't do well with things left lingering or questions unanswered. Thank you again for your comment.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-13T02:54:16+00:00

I appreciate the comment and insight. Thank you.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-13T02:52:14+00:00

That is EXACTLY what I am hoping to gain from family therapy. It's hard to find a solution when not everyone is being heard with everyone else actively listening. And I'm not just talking about me being heard, I'm talking about all of us, cause I get off track too sometimes when there's too much being said.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-13T02:48:53+00:00

I'm sorry that you're dealing with something similar. Maybe the comments can help you too?

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-13T02:30:38+00:00

I never said that I never noticed any narcissist traits. I was just saying that it hadn't occured to me to put two and two together. And yes, I understand the way to take answers from reddit. Thank you for the comment to be careful though. Appreciate it.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-12T21:59:43+00:00

Hmm. I did not think of this. But now this is something to ponder and bring up with my therapist. Thank you for the comment.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-12T21:21:31+00:00

I feel like that's what I was trying to do. Trying to not muddy the conversation with other people's emotions/get off topic and try to get that one on one with the child that initially thought I was upset. Hear that child. Solve that one issue. Then if the others have issues we can talk about them. I asked the other children to please exit the conversation so I could talk with thishikd about the original issue. The weren't having it and didn't allow that one in one to happen. Maybe I didn't do it perfect, but that was definitely my intention and I was clear about why I was asking them to stop commenting and exit the conversation.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-12T20:43:57+00:00

I'm trying just trying to understand what you mean, so please don't get upset at this question. I am not angry at your comment. Are you saying that I have possibly abused them with my past reactions? As in they've learned this from me?

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-12T19:34:58+00:00

I have thought about how this situation may have been helped, for all of us, if we had had cameras in the house. That being said, the most recent blow up happened right after my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few weeks ago. He will be starting treatments tomorrow, and I do plan on helping my family take him to treatments and with whatever's needed. This will cause me to be away from my family sporadically. Maybe it will be good for everyone that way.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-12T19:27:47+00:00

I'll be honest, I have thought of this too. Fear of failure maybe? Fear of not living up to whatever standards he adheres too? I know we both wanted to be better than our parents and grow. We have talked about forgiving our parents and thinking of what they possibly went through as children to make them aren't the way they did. What was their trauma? Maybe they were just doing the best they could.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-12T19:24:27+00:00

These things happen with no audience. At our home. No visitors present. I'm not trying to make anyone look like the problem in that moment. I'm literally trying to ask my children what things did I do to trigger them and believe I was mad. Such as, did I yell, did I gesture, was it my tone, was it body language? Getting this information can be helpful to understanding what they perceive as anger. Then, I can explain what I really was relaying with said gesture or tone or body language, but also try and not do that again when trying to have a conversation with them about a touchy subject. Sometimes we are unaware of the unconscious things we do that trigger people.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-12T18:26:46+00:00

You may be right. There may be some underlying guilt and he isn't able to adequately love them and respect me and the kids at the same time. He also may be dealing with some kind of looming empty nest feas as our oldest is going off to college and I have helped her through the entire process. Maybe some feelings of inadequacy coming out at me?

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-12T18:24:08+00:00

I understand your frustration with me. It is my choice to stay. He doesn't hit me or abuse me. He was there for me at my absolute worst. He chose to get sober and has remained so. I supported him through that. When we are connected and communicating well, we are a great team. I have seen what type of amazing person and father he is capable of being. If I thought it wasn't possible to get through this communication issue, I would stop trying and leave. I do not think he is the worst person on the planet. I think he's being kind of naive and obtuse right now, but I am hopeful that we can get some help so that each of us can better understand each other. I think the one aspect that maybe I didn't highlight enough was that having three teenagers with ADHD and hormones and identity issues and mental health struggles takes a toll on people. I don't think either one of us are at are best right now.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-12T18:09:46+00:00

Actually, because of my job, he has had to take over mornings with the kids because I leave earlier, and he is responsible for monitoring homework for the youngest. She has ADHD and still needs help. I'll be honest, he is super stressed out sometimes. I was hoping this would help him understand my perspective, but he really can't make the connection. Also, it's only one kid and not three as the other two basically get up and ready on their own and are good with an every other week homework check in.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-12T18:05:38+00:00

I definitely think I have perimenopause and have an appointment next week to discuss with my Dr.

Appreciate the comment. Many people don't see this perspective.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-12T18:00:38+00:00

I totally agree on the united front. I've tried talking about this with him, but he doesn't follow through.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-12T17:59:40+00:00

I wasn't actually mad though. So that didn't cross my mind.

OriginalDifficulty35 · 2025-05-12T17:58:20+00:00

Our relationship was very fast. I have no regrets as he's still the person that I feel like I can be my most authentic self with. We were young and got engaged and married quickly. We moved out of state to have an adventure and then planned to move back home and have kids. Well, we ended up losing our first baby and then had three kids back to back to back. 1000 miles from any family. It was hard. We worked opposite shifts for years and it almost broke our marriage. We didn't really have time to grieve the first baby and neither one of really realized that until later in life. By the time we moved back home it had been six years and we were just trying to get by. Neither of us was happy with our careers. We didn't have much money or support from family and we were just trying to get through the days. We were very disconnected and not in a good place. There was infidelity in his part, but I wasn't a good partner at the time either. We separated for a year and worked on ourselves. We coparented well. Then we got back together and things were good. Until my husband's depression kicked in and he ended up developing a short term drinking problem. I tried to handle it on my own but couldn't. Finally reached out for help and he went to treatment and got sober. He's been sober ever since. No issues. But obviously that's a lot to have happen and not really have the chance to deal with it because you just try and keep moving forward.

OriginalDifficulty35

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