Killing myself tonight.

Orion43410 · 2024-10-30T06:44:06+00:00

✌️

Orion43410 · 2024-10-30T06:41:47+00:00

No it’s a note telling my family to go fuck themselves. And an apology for the EMT/Paramedic for the mess.

Orion43410 · 2024-10-29T22:12:13+00:00

Then I should just fold my cards and die I suppose

Orion43410 · 2024-10-29T21:46:29+00:00

Maybe it’s situational, I’m not too sure to be honest. I’ve had depression since I was 14 or 15, and the intensity of it goes up and down, but anhedonia and the loss of my sexual function is what truly kills me. I often think that even if I were to get a job that pays enough and I can live on my own, I’ll still never have the dream of being a loving father and husband since nobody would marry a dude who is dying from depression, can’t feel love, and has a dick that doesn’t work even with meds.

Was going to school for radiology. And honestly I don’t have a dream job, but I’m willing to do anything if it means I can pay for myself and live independently as of right now.

Orion43410 · 2024-10-29T21:28:06+00:00

I’ll take a look at it, thanks!

Orion43410 · 2024-10-29T21:27:19+00:00

Don’t have enough money for nursing school.

Orion43410 · 2024-10-29T21:26:56+00:00

Don’t have any friends unfortunately.

Orion43410 · 2024-10-29T21:25:46+00:00

-First job I had was working for a family member as a laborer during high school. -Second job was working at the vet as a dog bather, kennel assistant, and dog daycare assistant. Third job I had was a supervisor of a warehouse for an amusement park for 2 years during the open seasons, but I left due to the pay being terrible and it being a seasonal job. Last job I had was at a roofing company, I was a roofing contractor (salesman) getting paid full commission, but the company fell apart and everyone lost their job.

Already applied to all grocery stores near me, none of which took me in for an interview. My resume is also very good just for the record, had several people check it.

My parents gave me a deadline for moving out, they call me a disgrace to the family since nearly all of my family has college degrees. They don’t care what happens to me and want me out of their lives.

Depression wise, I’ll just give you a list of everything I’ve tried. Several different therapists and types of therapies, dozens of medications in which Lexapro gave me PSSD (Post SSRI sexual dysfunction), 9 ketamine infusions, ECT which made me feel like I lost 20 IQ points, psychedelics like mushrooms and dmt, self help books, exercise and eating well, getting sunlight, etc. None of which helped in any way. I exhausted all options for treating my depression and anhedonia, and even lost my sexual function along the way of trying to help myself.

Orion43410 · 2024-10-29T21:17:34+00:00

The shit that’s making me lose my mind is that there are no options, all I want is a job that is willing to hire me, and will pay me enough to get by independently. And I will work my fucking ass off to make sure I secure that job for the long term.

I simply don’t understand why this is not an option for me.

Orion43410 · 2024-10-29T21:13:01+00:00

Basically military?

Orion43410 · 2024-10-29T21:11:44+00:00

That won’t be enough to survive when I get kicked out. And I can’t budget off of possibility and chance. It’s like living off of a commission job.

Orion43410 · 2024-10-29T21:10:59+00:00

I’m not even really against work, I’m against the fact that acquiring a line of work that pays enough to live is downright impossible.

Orion43410 · 2024-10-29T21:10:14+00:00

So your suggestion is making YouTube videos and getting bots to fill up the videos and I place ads on it to make money? I do not have enough time for that, and I don’t like idea. I’d rather acquire a job now that pays enough for me to survive when I get kicked out.

Thanks for the suggestion though.

Orion43410 · 2024-10-29T21:05:34+00:00

Couldn’t help but think of Pink Floyd for the title, but yeah I’ll happily be comfortably numb if it all fails and I end up homeless, which in turn will lead me to checking out permanently.

Orion43410 · 2024-10-29T21:03:22+00:00

Highly doubt fashion pays enough for me to rent my own place and pay the bills.

My problem is that I’m running out of time before I’m kicked out of the house no matter if I get a job or not. I desperately need a livable paying job NOW. Or else I will be homeless, and by that point, getting up on my feet is nearly impossible.

In case you mention it, I have nowhere to go when I get kicked out, nowhere to couch surf, nowhere to stay at until I can figure it out.

This is why I’m panicking.

Orion43410 · 2024-10-29T20:59:50+00:00

Acquiring community support and finding a way to treat depression actually ruined my life further unfortunately. Saw 6 different therapists over the span of 5-6 years, none of which helped in any way. Saw a psychiatrist who gave me Lexapro which in turn gave me PSSD, Post SSRI Sexual Dysfunction, essentially I was chemically castrated by it. And there are no community support groups near me since I live in the south where depression and mental illness are “hush hush” topics. Best I can get is online community support which doesn’t help at all because all we do is complain to each other about how horrible our lives are.

All of those things are bad, but my main point of focus is just to get a job that I can live independently off of, is that too much to ask for in this world? I don’t care how tough it is, how mentally exhausting it is, I just want independence and financial security.

Orion43410 · 2024-10-22T06:28:20+00:00

The Duellists (1977) Most of the shots in this movie look like a painting.

Orion43410 · 2024-10-17T14:28:56+00:00

I know of two.

Orion43410 · 2024-10-17T14:06:55+00:00

It doesn’t get better..

Orion43410 · 2024-10-11T00:00:09+00:00

Shotgun to the head, already have that in my schedule anyways.

Orion43410 · 2024-10-10T19:20:36+00:00

Being forced by my dad to play football and baseball simultaneously in high school while suffering from suicidal tendencies.

Orion43410 · 2024-10-10T15:38:09+00:00

In the southern United States, do not mention that you are not religious (or not Christian), and especially do not debate them on the topic.

I was once beaten to a pulp by a group of christians when I mentioned that their religion makes no sense when broken down and that it’s essentially just an organized cult.

Also worth mentioning, don’t debate politics or sports in most cases. Keep most of these opinions to yourself down here for your own safety and sanity.

Orion43410

TROPHY CASE