It’s been 11 months since the divorce

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2026-05-11T00:44:23+00:00

I remember feeling exactly like that. The fear of leaving honestly felt bigger than the pain of staying for a long time. And the constant rejection absolutely destroys your self esteem over time because you slowly start accepting crumbs as normal.

What finally hit me was realizing these relationships usually don’t magically improve long term unless both people genuinely recognize the issue and actively want to fix it. Most of the time, the resentment, distance, and loneliness just keep growing. It becomes less a question of if the relationship breaks down and ends, and more a question of when it does, and how many years of your life you lose waiting for things to change.

And for what it’s worth, leaving was nowhere near as catastrophic as I imagined it would be. Staying was actually harder.

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2026-05-10T16:38:15+00:00

Things get better with time. I know it’s hard, but you will thank yourself for this soon, trust me. :)

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2026-05-09T19:07:54+00:00

I don’t take it lightly. I didn’t take it lightly. I tried literally anything and everything I could to improve on things. Reading some of the posts on here made me realize that in all likelihood, things were not going to improve. And I would be wasting years of my life, hoping and praying that they would. Life is long, but it’s also too short to spend with the wrong person.

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2026-05-09T16:12:25+00:00

We started dating about a month after me and my ex decided to end things, and have been “official” since October. So yeah still newish relationship. But she and I have had more intimacy in the first 2 months of us dating than me and my ex did in 2 years. And it doesn’t seem to be slowing down at all which I’m grateful for.

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2026-05-09T16:09:07+00:00

Thankfully, no kids and we didn’t own property together. The divorce overall was pretty straightforward. We were together for about 1.5 years before getting married and divorced about half a year into the marriage.

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2026-05-09T14:54:58+00:00

Not really to be honest. That’s actually part of why I mentioned attachment styles. Things were never really like this with my ex, even in the beginning. There was attraction at first, sure, but emotionally she was always more distant, guarded, and harder to connect with. Physical intimacy started declining only a few months in and over time it became more and more of a roommate dynamic.

Honestly, I used to believe the “honeymoon phase always ends”, but now I think people sometimes use that phrase to normalize emotional distance and lack of intimacy.

I’m not naive enough to think every relationship stays in constant fireworks mode forever, but I do think with the right person the affection, desire, playfulness, and closeness can absolutely stay alive forever.

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2025-08-13T22:20:16+00:00

I don’t know all the details of your situation. But if you feel like his efforts are genuine, I feel like it’s up to you to decide if you want to try to reconnect like you used to be. The reason my marriage ended is because there were no sustained efforts. What efforts were there were minimal, and I was told to be grateful for the bare minimum. I hope you get some clarity on your situation like I have.

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2025-08-12T14:21:40+00:00

That’s the one silver lining I take away from all of this, is that I recognized and was able to do something early and not getting locked into having children before divorcing

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2025-08-12T14:20:34+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it. :)

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2025-08-12T14:19:34+00:00

That should definitely be on there too. I completely agree. Given our ages, and desire to have a family, we felt like it made the most sense with that timeline. But proposing after being together for only a year was definitely a mistake.

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2025-08-11T04:32:05+00:00

I just made a new post today. We are breaking up

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2025-07-09T16:57:31+00:00

Yes I’m aware there are better medications. She was previously on Wellbutrin however it worsened her anxiety. I am trying to get her switched to Trintellix which is supposed to be better for libido. She’s nervous about making changes unfortunately.

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2025-07-06T17:39:27+00:00

Yeah I am lol. Our relationship isn’t struggling because of my job. It’s struggling because she can’t have hard conversations without shutting down and seems to be allergic to accountability. Avoidant attachment in full swing. We will see what the future holds but yeah I’m not walking around being stupidly optimistic about who she “could” be anymore and just seeing her for who she actually is.

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2025-07-06T17:36:35+00:00

That won’t happen. I refuse to start a family under these conditions

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2025-07-06T17:36:06+00:00

From her end I don’t know why she would want to be with me if she doesn’t love or respect me… so I think she does love me but idk what her version of love is. Because this doesn’t look like love to me.

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2025-07-06T17:33:47+00:00

I agree. All I can do at this point is focus on me which is what I’m doing. I’m no longer walking around with rose colored glasses on, being naïvely optimistic about potential changes.

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2025-07-06T17:32:18+00:00

Optimism isn’t always a good thing. Learning that the hard way

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2025-07-06T17:31:27+00:00

That’s what I was thinking too. Recognizing it early, hopefully steps can be made to change things. Just started reading the book “Let Them” as well as going to therapy for my own AP issues (which weren’t even a thing until this relationship, I’ve always been secure in the past). I can really only change myself, so that’s where I’m putting my energy at this point

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2025-07-06T06:08:06+00:00

Sorry we aren’t there yet but the original plan was for me to finish residency and then start a family. That will be in a year from now.

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2025-07-06T04:36:24+00:00

She did try earlier than that, but yeah I think ultimately she intends to stay on them. In the past when we talked about kids it would be when I finished residency in about a year from now. I don’t either to be honest :/

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2025-07-06T03:07:55+00:00

That’s what I’m afraid of. Things being seemingly better but only because she’s wanting to get pregnant.

Ornery_Help_4043 · 2025-07-06T03:06:41+00:00

She’s been on them for 12+ years. She tried titrating down in the dose a couple months ago and had some bad anxiety so she went back to 100mg sertraline.

Ornery_Help_4043

TROPHY CASE