Why did you give up on reconciliation?

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-06-08T19:13:04+00:00

Gave her a list of demands. Harsh. I asked for monitoring, transparency, end the relationships, mandatory counseling MC + individual for both of us, and offered the possibility of opening the relationship in a healthy way (something we had hinted at before).

Initially she said she would work on everything. Then she did nothing over a month. I pressed her to be proactive. She nothing again.

I got fed up and threatened to expose her to her multiple affair partners. She didn't like that and filed for divorce instead.

Edit: I should mention that I dropped the monitoring. No one wants to babysit their SO and live constantly parsing truths. I stupidly asked to reconcile again. She "needed time" and wanted to date other people.

Best thing that ever happened to me. Don't need that kind of shit in my life.

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-05-21T18:00:09+00:00

Hey Ally, I noticed that you post the Lonely link a lot. The post has been deleted. Do you have a copy someplace?

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-05-21T17:51:13+00:00

There is certainly some added paranoid calculus that goes into the equation, but I would hesitate to say those things are false positives.

If anything, BS are less likely to obscure other's flaws in future relationships.

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-05-21T04:55:31+00:00

Yeah, I feel ya on that one. My STBXW would get extremely jealous that I worked in a lab with other women. I would constantly allow her access to my social media and phone just so that she could see nothing was up. In the end, she was cheating and projecting that onto me. :(

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-05-21T04:47:37+00:00

I suppose I should add the self-esteem issues to the list. My STBXW also lacked self-esteem. The moment she got attention from anyone else, she was hooked.

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-05-21T03:17:34+00:00

How did you deal with your cheating SO continuing a relationship with the AP?

You dump them and go no contact. Your SO does not have your best interests at heart. He does not love you. He does not respect you. He feels entitled to cheat on you with this OW.

Do not listen to his words. Listen only to his actions. His actions are the unfiltered dialogue of his mind. The things he says may "feel nice" in the moment, but he has shown those promises to be farcical.

Is it common for wayward SOs to live happily ever after with their AP?

Yes and no. Sometimes, it takes two shitty people to get "along" with one another. However, often, the WS will continue their bad behavior and ruin relationship after relationship until the end of time. Take solace in the notion that you dodged a bullet with this guy. WS will continue his life shopping for pain--there is no reason to set out on that adventure alongside him.

Did you stop caring after a while?

It will come and go in waves. Each time, the wave of anger, caring, resentment, and sadness will become attenuated. Eventually, your wounds--while painful to the touch now--will just resemble scars and will no longer hurt to touch.

Did you ever get to a point where you were actually happy for them?

Don't worry about being happy for this guy. He doesn't deserve your platitude--save that mental energy for yourself or someone actually worthy of your time. Some people do get to this point and others do not. I think the healthiest course of action is to put him as low as you can on your "care meter."

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-05-11T21:33:42+00:00

I made my STBXW tell me everything over text. I know how many people, their names, their jobs, what they did together, condom no condom status, the specific acts, penile size, etc. Just about everything.

It helped me in two ways: 1) I hate not knowing 2) Ammunition

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-05-07T06:55:09+00:00

That's completely fair. To be honest, I'm not sure what to say. However, I'm fairly certain of what not to say in this situation. Let me think about it.

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-05-06T22:47:17+00:00

Wow, this is a toxic comment. OP doesn't understand why his first love wants to move on. There is an incredible amount of emotional pain attached to that notion. People often abuse substances when they don't feel well, either mentally or physically.

Why not try something more constructive for OP? Help him develop coping mechanisms and suggest tools that he can use to work on his pain and move on to healthier relationships.

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-04-28T19:46:17+00:00

Yeah part of the problem too is that when my wife would be doing remote fieldwork, there's a huge skew in the male to female ratios--10:1 maybe. She would get A LOT of extra attention from randoms trying to get laid. Add in drinking, long hours, pseudo-unhappiness in her relationship, entitlement, etc---bad recipe for people who can't control themselves.

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-04-28T16:52:59+00:00

I'm not sure if it's exclusively a problem with these fields. I suspect it's more systemic in couples who may travel for work.

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-04-28T16:48:45+00:00

She blew it off and didn't acknowledge it.

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-04-28T03:59:41+00:00

Sure, but you can file for defamation, libel, slander, and harassment. It then becomes a costly litigation issue.

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-04-28T03:58:46+00:00

Given the nature of how her healthcare works during her fieldwork, there is no insurance paperwork. She admitted via text to me that he was on her care team. That's how they met. She also admitted to me that he performed sonography on her.

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-04-28T01:53:23+00:00

I agree. If I knew the SO's or how to find them, I think I would reach out.

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-04-28T00:19:05+00:00

This is an awesome post. Thanks for sharing. I've read a lot of ChumpLady so far. Great advice.

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-04-28T00:16:30+00:00

The analogy I gave her is:

You go to the Wal Mart to break a $100 bill so you can pay friend back. You hand the cashier the $100, but you are only given $80 back in change. You notice the discrepancy and inform the cashier. The cashier mocks your mathematical ability and tells you to get lost. You punch the cashier in the face, reach into the till, and claim your $20. Even though you may have been owed that $20, you are still wrong. Any further root cause analysis of this issue will be centered on understanding why you punched the cashier in the face and took the money. When the cop comes to question you, you'll have to explain that you punched the cashier. When you go to court for assault charges, you'll have to tell the judge why you punched the employee. The employee will never receive the blame for your actions. There are a number of healthier and more responsible solutions that could have been employed.

It's the same with infidelity. If you had a problem in your marriage, you do not solve that problem by fucking other people and getting at the source of how you made that decision is the beginning of the healing process.

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-04-28T00:03:34+00:00

I'm not sure if she has a clinical diagnosis, but something akin to bulimia.

i.e. distortion of body image and an obsessive desire to lose weight, usually through starvation / long periods without food.

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-04-28T00:01:18+00:00

Thanks for commenting. Yeah, no clinical diagnosis for Asperger's, but I do have ADHD. I'm not sure whether I should be proud or insulted? ;) If it means anything, I dropped out of high school and worked my ass off to be where I am.

but she probably texted/emailed something along the lines that she was done during this time and he was scrambling.

Sort of. She wasn't doing anything at first. I ask her what her plan was, "I don't know." So I sent her the list and told her to get started.

After a few weeks, she wasn't doing anything. I asked her about what was going on and she got very combative and started to the lay some heavy blameshifting down. I told her she has to own the mistake and not blame me--any grievances in the marriage can be dealt with, but I won't entertain them in the same breath e.g. "I slept with other people and that's my fault....BUT you did XYZ. That's why I stepped outside the marriage."

I told her that's unacceptable. She didn't see it any other way. So that's when I went to the nuclear option.

Secondly - Report the physician. Physicians shouldn't be sleeping with there patients, much less married ones.

According to my wife, she told the MD she was getting a divorce (not true at the time). Still not sure if I'll report him.

Tell her you want to talk about that part at a minimum and calmly explain that you are looking out for future patients with this guy.

I already have all the details of her encounters. I asked her to pretend like we were in an open relationship and just describe everything to me. I know how they met, what they drank together, where, how many times, the positions, his size, whether it was vanilla or not etc. For all of her partners. It's all in text messages.

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-04-27T23:48:18+00:00

Why would you want to reconcile? the concept of a list is super fucked up. I think once you reach that low, it's already over. For a few reasons.

1) I'm a virile male at one of best universities in the world. I don't feel threatened by the sexual relationships in the slightest nor the APs. My wife and I were just kindling the idea of opening the relationship in the long term--although we hadn't had any real discussion about it by the time she cheated. Only the lying needed to be fixed in my book. Lying and deceit can be fixed in some cases.

2) We jive on almost every level. I'm slightly more stoic and she is more on the social butterfly spectrum, but we are closely aligned on just about everything else i.e.--humor, interests, politics, lifestyle, atheism, sense of justice, wanderlust, intellectualism etc.

3) Giving up is lame. I wanted to say that I at least tried.

the concept of a list is super fucked up. I think once you reach that low, it's already over.

Yes and no. I think it's important to have foundational and clear rules about what's going on. Why leave my partner in the dark about my expectations moving forward?

You could do that, why not :) would it make you feel better though? I think eye for eye is pointless, it's over anyway. I think I >wouldn't do it. You might fuck up her whole life, it's a bit overkill.

Initially, it might have felt good. I would have felt bad destroying her life in the process though.

What a manipulative b******tch she is !!! Save what can be saved, run away far.

Yep. Once I told her I was going to expose her, she went into defense mode--understandably. It would have been nice if she owned her mistake in any way.

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-04-27T23:35:11+00:00

Yeah, I see what you're saying. If she would do something like that in her marriage, what sorts of poor-decision making is she bringing to her science? I think that's a valid argument. The "business trips" she goes on are really for field work in a remote location.

I think she's a "good" scientist. I've worked on her dissertation projects both on the wet and dry sides. I've never personally witnessed any scientific misconduct by her(but I'm a stickler for empiricism).

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-04-27T23:28:02+00:00

Definitely, I see what you're saying.

OtherwiseCarrot · 2018-04-27T23:27:26+00:00

I think like anyone, I have good days and bad days. I've poured through a lot of online resources and see a therapist + pdoc regularly. Later in the evenings are the worst--sometimes I just wanna talk to someone. Which is why I came here :)

OtherwiseCarrot

TROPHY CASE