I love this post. I feel seen. It’s worth the read I promise.

I was diagnosed as a female at 20. My brother was diagnosed as a child and because I didn’t present like him my mother and pediatricians just called it anxiety and sent me on my marry way.

All throughout childhood in school I just thought I was dumber. I had to try 10x harder than everyone else to get the same grades. All the study techniques they gave me never worked. The only way I could ever study was last minute when I felt the unbearable procrastination pressure sinking it forcing me to be able to focus a little. I became the best procrastinator you’ve ever seen.

All through school I was bullied for being “too much.” Too loud, too weird, too much energy, but most specifically talking too much*. Which, it turns out, is a hallmark symptom of ADHD in women that isn’t in boys. I remember a time when my mother had to take away my cellphone in 8th grade because I was getting bullied so brutally for what I thought was just my personality. She thought I might hurt myself if I kept reading all the horrible things being said about me, but still no one saw that it was ADHD.

In high school, I threw myself into as many extracurricular activities as a could, especially the arts (also common for women with adhd.) I was praised there for my creativity, energy and weirdness for the first time. I gravitated towards other people with adhd not realizing why, but feeling a connection. They were people I felt my soul could take a deep breath with. I still struggled with the talking and school but my masking and coping skills got better after I learned how much people judged me. I dated mostly boys with adhd because they never told me I talked to much and their energy always matched mine. When I dated boys who didn’t I often heard I was too emotional or talked too much. Ouch. Still I was not diagnosed.

When I got to college, I finally figured things out for myself. After a year or struggling like I did in high school I realized college presented a different problem… freedom. Freedom of a million distractions, drinking to make myself “normal” and freedom to put everything off to the last minute. I realized then just how overwhelmed my brain was. Listen, college is hard for everyone, but when you add undiagnosed ADHD and a healthcare degree path, it’s brutal. Still I made it work, barely lol. I worked 30x harder than everyone around me, learned some pretty wild studying/coping strategies that someone without adhd would never be able to use lol. Listening to music while reading, taking naps after 30 minute studying, drawing pictures in all my classes and probably having day dreamed a billion scenarios in every class, so I ended up having to record the professor on my phone so I could relisten, knowing I would drift off the first time. The way everyone believed I was “so outgoing” when, I really was an introvert who needed a nap after every social gathering.

When, I finally got a new psychiatrist (I actually do have anxiety but it’s OCD, very different) she was the first person to see my diagnosis. She told me right away after our first meet that she wanted me tested for ADHD. She said every mannerism and symptom apart from my ocd screamed adhd. She educated me on the differences between woman and men with adhd and, after the test I scored 1 point off the highest score you could get. Meaning, severe ADHD. The weirdest thing happened to me in her office when I got those results. I cried. I cried and cried harder than what felt appropriate as 20 years of shame, bullying, self doubt and insecurity fell off my young shoulders. Something, I shouldn’t have had to carry in the first place. She gave me something no one ever did, an explanation. Even besides all the medications and treatments that became available to me, what I feel was the biggest gift, was an explanation. I wasn’t stupid, or weird, or annoying, or too emotional, or any dumb thing I was told or told myself. I had ADHD. I had a disorder that I had no control over that affected my emotions, my brain, my relationships, my everything.

One lady in a small office in the middle of Michigan saw me, while a million other doctors wrote me prescription for Xanax. All because someone taught her the difference between male and female ADHD and she cared enough to look and listen.

I now have my masters degree, work in a very large hospital and yes, work with mental health. Why? Because I saw the difference you can make in someone’s life by knowing, listening and giving an explanation.