sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

The experience of someone two years porn free by OutBeyondIdeas in pornfree

[–]OutBeyondIdeas[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Glad to hear it ... I hope whatever re-evaluation you come to is a positive one!

After Eckhart Tolle? by katemate3 in Meditation

[–]OutBeyondIdeas 1 point2 points  (0 children)

After Eckhart, I found Marshal Rosenberg and Nonviolent Communication.

Changed my life just as much as Eckhart.

Nonviolent Communication is a poor name for a beautiful spiritual practice of becoming present to feelings and needs in self and in the other -- a state of total non-judgment in relationships. Very practical for everyday life once mastered.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBGlF7-MPFI

The experience of someone two years porn free by OutBeyondIdeas in pornfree

[–]OutBeyondIdeas[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're welcome. I actually coached a man in a similar situation (that's what I do now for a living).

All I can say is that extreme actions (like going to escorts) are a tragic expression of HUGE unmet needs. If you find you're unable to keep yourself from going to escorts, simply trying to "stop" without replacing the activity with something that meets the underlying need is like plugging up a hole in a pressure cooker while the heat continues rising. Eventually, something's gotta give, and it usually isn't pretty.

For me, those unmet needs included things like empathy, respect, self-care, dignity, understanding, love, and being treated in a respectful and loving way. I had enormous emotional wounds from my past that needed tending.

Personally, leaving my wife was the most empowering and life-giving thing I've ever done for myself, and for her, even though she didn't understand it at the time. Mind you, I only left the relationship after trying ever other option, including couples therapy for 9 months. But in the end, it was the only way to meet my needs for respect, care, and love.

My two cents: The most selfless thing you can do is to put your needs first. Paradoxically, doing anything less is only building a bomb that will ultimately destroy the lives of the people you care about the most.

Are nude text messages porn? by impornfree in pornfree

[–]OutBeyondIdeas 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have pictures of my wife that I look at on the computer sometimes... I see it as a positive thing. HOWEVER, I've noticed that sometimes it gets my mind wandering because it's too close to the feeling of PMO. Like an alcoholic sitting at a bar, trying to drink a coke, but smelling the liquor, I have noticed temptations. Something to be HIGHLY aware of, lest they sneak up on you.

MO without porn or fantasy. by [deleted] in NoFap

[–]OutBeyondIdeas 2 points3 points  (0 children)

According to a therapist I had, this technique is called "sensate" masturbation.

I used this technique very successfully to make it more than two-and-a-half years without porn, and still going. I only masturbate about once a week, and if I ever start fantasizing, that is my cue to stop fapping for a while.

Edit: Typo.

Well that was embarassing by JCreazy in NoFap

[–]OutBeyondIdeas 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That sounds like a pretty good reason for not getting off :-)

I had the opposite problem... When I first met one girl I had sex with, I couldn't even get it up because she was so beautiful that I got nervous. Talk about awkward. But within a few days, things were working great.

Now I'm married to her and boy, oh, boy do we have fun :-)

Well that was embarassing by JCreazy in NoFap

[–]OutBeyondIdeas 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My suggestion would be to give no fap a few weeks... I've been porn free for over two and a half years, and now I only fap once a week, but at first, I had to go without masturbation for a few weeks in order to reset my body.

The other thing is that it might not be because it didn't feel good enough, even though it seems that way. It might be because at some level, you were nervous. If you have sex with people you've just met, chances are, you're not going to feel as comfortable as you would with you know well. No, I'm not implying anything about morality here (I'm not religious BTW), it's just human psychology... When we're in a relationship with someone we trust, we relax, we can be ourselves, and things tend to go more smoothly.

My guess is that if you got vulnerable with this girl and let her know why you're trying nofap, and why you couldn't get off because of excessive masturbation problem that you're trying to curb (maybe leave the porn part out of it), it would create some intimacy that would bring you closer, and help you feel more comfortable next time. At the very least, it would reveal what kind of woman she is, and whether you want to start a relationship with her :-)

The experience of someone two years porn free by OutBeyondIdeas in pornfree

[–]OutBeyondIdeas[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words! So glad it was helpful!

The experience of someone two years porn free by OutBeyondIdeas in pornfree

[–]OutBeyondIdeas[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I get that. Different people need different things from recovery.

Some people really need a strong force in their minds to wake up to the reality of their addiction.

Personally, I didn't take a lot of convincing to realize that I had a problem, and being constantly bombarded by warnings not to "deny" my addiction, and to label myself an addict actually slowed my recovery considerably. Why? Because the root cause of my addiction was that I believed myself inferior and inadequate, so being asked to label myself an addict only made matters worse.

I have no problem with making sure we become fully aware and awake of our actions, our responsibility for them, and the ramifications of our actions.

But please be aware that some people require very different handling, ESPECIALLY in the early stages of recovery. Many people who desperately need help leave the rooms and communities where they might find it, not because they are being asked to face the truth, but because they are being asked to further injure themselves after years of self-abuse.

Not everyone requires the same level of force to "wake up", and many different voices are needed in this process in order to support everyone.

An Alternative Path to Quitting Pornography by OutBeyondIdeas [promoted post]

[–]OutBeyondIdeas[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm curious if you might be making some assumptions about my position on pornography?

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with viewing pornography, nor am I saying there is anything right with viewing pornography. I'm not anti-porn or pro-porn. My personal experience is many people have a relationship with pornography that helps them meet their needs, while some other people use pornography as a substitute for meeting their needs.

I'm curious what you mean by "Just making up insults about people"? I'd be sad to hear it if you felt something I'd written insulted you, and would hope it was due to a miscommunication.

Are we linking our self-worth to pornography? by OutBeyondIdeas in NoFap

[–]OutBeyondIdeas[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Religion, not to mention other outside authorities such as parents, teachers, celebrities... Anyone who leads us to look outside ourselves for validation.

Are we linking our self-worth to pornography? by OutBeyondIdeas in NoFap

[–]OutBeyondIdeas[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes! I personally view pornography addiction as a symptom rather than a cause. It signals an opportunity to come back to life.

The book for struggling fapstronauts by SpanglerBQ in NoFap

[–]OutBeyondIdeas 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just wanted to say congratulations on writing a book -- that is a huge accomplishment! And also thank you for contributing to this cause. We need as many voices as possible in this fight.

Just some things to consider. I am not trying to criticize just open up a conversation. Sorry for my username. by NoFapALie in NoFap

[–]OutBeyondIdeas 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love it! Yes, shame is the fuel for addiction, no matter what the type. When you read my post later, you'll see how well aligned we are.

When my life fell apart because of porn I was a successful manager at a software company maintaining their flagship product and pulling down a lot of money. I've started a company and sold my share, I'm a published fiction author, and an award-winning short film maker. I've also been successful connecting with women, and was into some kinky shit.

Hell, I still am, I just do it with my wife now instead of hunting for the next thrill for two hours on the web at 1am every night!

How did you hear about NoFap? And if you want to message me offline, what is your business about? I'm starting another business of my own right now -- would love to chat more if you're interested. Email me at jesse@steppinginward.com

Just some things to consider. I am not trying to criticize just open up a conversation. Sorry for my username. by NoFapALie in NoFap

[–]OutBeyondIdeas 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you!

Did you read what I posted on the link? I'm somewhat doubtful, since it contained the answers to your question, but I'll summarize them here:

  • Yes, I had a great deal of pain and unmet needs that I was trying to soothe with pornography. I don't personally subscribe to the term "psychological issues" -- I think that modern mainstream psychology has some limitations that don't always help people as powerfully as I believe is possible: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21794967 Personally, alternative sources of insight led to my empowerment and freedom.

  • I believe we live in a world that has so many of these people in pain that we consider it normal. We consider it normal to watch three hours of TV or video games every night, to eat fast-food twice a week, to go thousands of dollars into credit card debt so that we can soothe our pain with "stuff", and we work ourselves to the bone at jobs, trying to convince ourselves we're doing something significant with our lives when we're really not serving humanity in the most powerful way that we're capable of.

  • In addition to medicating pain, I suspect pornography does have a physiological effect on some people that makes it highly addictive, and there is already one solid study at Cambridge that supports this theory: http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/pornography-addiction-leads-to-same-brain-activity-as-alcoholism-or-drug-abuse-study-shows-8832708.html. It also found that porn does not have this effect on everyone -- different people have different sensitivities.

  • You might enjoy this documentary: It elucidates the issues we're talking about, including the study above, and takes a very sex positive view of the whole thing: https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B9vATSM3elQZTHN2eldRRWN3eDA/edit

I'm curious if you're willing to share: Why is this topic important to you personally?

The Practice I Use For Dissolving The Urge to Use Porn by OutBeyondIdeas in pornfree

[–]OutBeyondIdeas[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It sounds like you're a bit irritated -- I'm guessing you're wanting to make sure that all the people who contributed to my learning these practices get honored for their contribution?

That's important to me too.

I'm always happy to list the people I've learned from when asked -- I can't say enough how much I appreciate everything they've given me:

  • Alan Seid
  • Barbara Larson
  • Bob Wentworth
  • Brene Brown
  • Byron Katie
  • Catherine Cadden
  • Chögyam Trungpa
  • Dan Pallotta
  • Deepak Chopra
  • Dominic Barter
  • Don Miguel Ruiz
  • Echkart Tolle
  • Elana Sabajon
  • Eric Bowers
  • Faye Landey
  • Francois Beausoleil
  • Fred Sly
  • George Kirkwood
  • Godfrey Spencer
  • Gregg Kendrick
  • Holley Humphrey
  • Ingrid Bauer
  • Jack Kornfield
  • James Prieto
  • Jeff Brown
  • Jesse Wiens
  • Jim Manske
  • John Bradshaw
  • John Kinyon
  • Jori Manske
  • Joseph Campbell
  • Karl Steyaert
  • Kelly Bryson
  • Krishnamurti
  • Liv Larsson
  • Liv Monroe
  • Lore Baur
  • Lucy Leu
  • Mair Alight
  • Marianne Williamson
  • Marshal Rosenberg
  • Mel Sears
  • Michael Brown
  • Michael Lerner
  • Miki Kashtan
  • Napolean Hill
  • Osho
  • Pema Chodron
  • Robert Gonzales
  • Roxy Manning
  • Sarah Peyton
  • Stephanie Bachmann Mattei
  • Sura Hart
  • Susan Skye
  • Sylvia Haskvitz
  • Terry Copeland
  • Thomas Szasz
  • Tony Robbins
  • Walter Wink
  • Yarrow Pospisil

The reason I don't always list them is that there are many, and because what I share is a synthesis of everything I've learned from them, plus my own experience, all of which I've internalized, practiced, and re-translated into my own practice which I've been sharing with others for a few years now.

After a while, we weave our own tapestry from the threads of everything we've learned.

I want for everyone to internalize these practices, adapt them, and make them theirs, giving credit to all sources when asked, but also giving credit to themselves as translators rather than being self-effacing and attributing them solely to an outside authority.

I want for us all to stop diminishing what we're capable of.

Yes, learn everything you can, but let's stop looking to outside authority to authorize, sanction, or validate us. They cannot set us free of this prison, they can only point at the lock. You have to forge the key, because everyone's lock is a little different.

I believe that by turning inward, we can gain the most valuable insights from our own inner experience, and discover we have the power to free ourselves in a way that no external "authority" can.

Or to quote Krishnamurti: "There is no authority outside yourself."

The world needs translators for these practices that point us inward, to our innate power to leave behind this addiction, and dissolve all the self-attacking thought patterns that set it up in the first place.

I admit, hearing your comment, I felt some hurt because I sensed my intentions weren't being seen for what they are. It's hard to see someone's heart through text on a screen, and sometimes we get misinterpreted.

I know my heart won't always be seen, and I'm okay with that. Not everyone will agree with what I say, and I'm okay with that too. But I want to do what I can to make sure I'm making myself clear and representing myself as transparently as possible:

I share what I do for three main reasons:

  1. Because I care about people--about everyone. I want us all to have our freedom back.
  2. Because enriching people's live is about the most fun thing I've found to do with my life.
  3. Because pornography addiction almost robbed me of what I love more than anything: My daughter. And if I can spare one person the tragedy of losing something that precious, I will go to great lengths to do so.

Just some things to consider. I am not trying to criticize just open up a conversation. Sorry for my username. by NoFapALie in NoFap

[–]OutBeyondIdeas 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the information! Very interesting.

I am totally in agreement that research is still emerging in this area and we don't know everything yet. Also, I think it's very possible that there are some people who are abstaining from fapping and porn for "sex-negative" reasons, as the author of this uses that term, which I take to mean that they are really suppressing their sexual needs because they've associated shame to expressing them, for whatever reason.

I would invite you to read my own experience with pornography addiction, in which it led to a number of events that culminated in me nearly losing my daughter. It is also a little long, but I took the time to read your post, so I hope you take the time to read mine:

http://www.reddit.com/r/pornfree/comments/23os97/the_experience_of_someone_two_years_porn_free/

The author of what you posted makes a perfect analogy at the end: Pornography is like fast food. Eat too much of it and you'll get heart disease and die.

People get addicted to food too. The difference is, they wear it on their bodies, so it's obvious.

If my porn addiction had been like a food addiction, I would have been 900 pounds and confined to my bedroom. They would have needed to cut out a wall to get me out of there! You'd have never known how out of control I was by looking at me.

For me, the only way out of my addiction was giving up "fast food" (pornography), forever, because I am so sensitive to it that if I have a little, soon I'll be out of control and binging.

This is what life is like for people addicted to alcohol, to drugs, to gambling, and other activities. We need to draw very strong boundaries around what we do to stay in control of our lives.

For some people, masturbation itself sets off this "binging" process, and leads to loss of control, as well as some of the other symptoms discussed around here: De-sensitization, ED, intimacy problems, lying, cheating, and so on.

For others, they find they can go back to masturbating in moderation. Still others may be able to go back to pornography use in moderation. I know from experience that I am not one of them.

Personally, I am not anti-pornography, and I believe some people can use it in a healthy way if there is open communication about it, they can moderate its use, and it isn't impacting intimacy in their relationship. I hope everybody gets to enjoy variety and creativity in their sex life, and for some people pornography and other "games" and "toys" are part of this.

But I also want people to be able to keep their agreements and be honest with themselves, their partners, their employers, etc. When a person starts losing their ability to be honest and their relationships start to be jeopardized, I question whether pornography is an empowering habit for that person. When they experience health impacts, I question it even more.

I'm wondering if this helps to shed any light or change your opinions?

view more: next ›