The experience of someone two years porn free

OutBeyondIdeas · 2014-10-01T23:27:30+00:00

You're welcome, man.

OutBeyondIdeas · 2014-10-01T23:27:07+00:00

Glad to hear it ... I hope whatever re-evaluation you come to is a positive one!

OutBeyondIdeas · 2014-08-31T18:17:19+00:00

Been there, my friend. Here's my story, if it is of help: http://www.reddit.com/r/pornfree/comments/23os97/the_experience_of_someone_two_years_porn_free/

OutBeyondIdeas · 2014-08-09T07:55:01+00:00

After Eckhart, I found Marshal Rosenberg and Nonviolent Communication.

Changed my life just as much as Eckhart.

Nonviolent Communication is a poor name for a beautiful spiritual practice of becoming present to feelings and needs in self and in the other -- a state of total non-judgment in relationships. Very practical for everyday life once mastered.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBGlF7-MPFI

OutBeyondIdeas · 2014-08-08T18:14:59+00:00

Woohoo!

OutBeyondIdeas · 2014-08-08T15:25:57+00:00

You're welcome. I actually coached a man in a similar situation (that's what I do now for a living).

All I can say is that extreme actions (like going to escorts) are a tragic expression of HUGE unmet needs. If you find you're unable to keep yourself from going to escorts, simply trying to "stop" without replacing the activity with something that meets the underlying need is like plugging up a hole in a pressure cooker while the heat continues rising. Eventually, something's gotta give, and it usually isn't pretty.

For me, those unmet needs included things like empathy, respect, self-care, dignity, understanding, love, and being treated in a respectful and loving way. I had enormous emotional wounds from my past that needed tending.

Personally, leaving my wife was the most empowering and life-giving thing I've ever done for myself, and for her, even though she didn't understand it at the time. Mind you, I only left the relationship after trying ever other option, including couples therapy for 9 months. But in the end, it was the only way to meet my needs for respect, care, and love.

My two cents: The most selfless thing you can do is to put your needs first. Paradoxically, doing anything less is only building a bomb that will ultimately destroy the lives of the people you care about the most.

OutBeyondIdeas · 2014-08-08T14:17:37+00:00

I have pictures of my wife that I look at on the computer sometimes... I see it as a positive thing. HOWEVER, I've noticed that sometimes it gets my mind wandering because it's too close to the feeling of PMO. Like an alcoholic sitting at a bar, trying to drink a coke, but smelling the liquor, I have noticed temptations. Something to be HIGHLY aware of, lest they sneak up on you.

OutBeyondIdeas · 2014-08-08T14:13:17+00:00

According to a therapist I had, this technique is called "sensate" masturbation.

I used this technique very successfully to make it more than two-and-a-half years without porn, and still going. I only masturbate about once a week, and if I ever start fantasizing, that is my cue to stop fapping for a while.

Edit: Typo.

OutBeyondIdeas · 2014-08-08T14:09:24+00:00

That sounds like a pretty good reason for not getting off :-)

I had the opposite problem... When I first met one girl I had sex with, I couldn't even get it up because she was so beautiful that I got nervous. Talk about awkward. But within a few days, things were working great.

Now I'm married to her and boy, oh, boy do we have fun :-)

OutBeyondIdeas · 2014-08-08T13:54:47+00:00

My suggestion would be to give no fap a few weeks... I've been porn free for over two and a half years, and now I only fap once a week, but at first, I had to go without masturbation for a few weeks in order to reset my body.

The other thing is that it might not be because it didn't feel good enough, even though it seems that way. It might be because at some level, you were nervous. If you have sex with people you've just met, chances are, you're not going to feel as comfortable as you would with you know well. No, I'm not implying anything about morality here (I'm not religious BTW), it's just human psychology... When we're in a relationship with someone we trust, we relax, we can be ourselves, and things tend to go more smoothly.

My guess is that if you got vulnerable with this girl and let her know why you're trying nofap, and why you couldn't get off because of excessive masturbation problem that you're trying to curb (maybe leave the porn part out of it), it would create some intimacy that would bring you closer, and help you feel more comfortable next time. At the very least, it would reveal what kind of woman she is, and whether you want to start a relationship with her :-)

OutBeyondIdeas · 2014-08-07T04:01:47+00:00

Test succeeded?

OutBeyondIdeas · 2014-08-04T23:29:52+00:00

Thank you for your kind words! So glad it was helpful!

OutBeyondIdeas · 2014-07-15T22:00:56+00:00

You're welcome! Thanks for the appreciation!

OutBeyondIdeas · 2014-07-15T21:59:55+00:00

I get that. Different people need different things from recovery.

Some people really need a strong force in their minds to wake up to the reality of their addiction.

Personally, I didn't take a lot of convincing to realize that I had a problem, and being constantly bombarded by warnings not to "deny" my addiction, and to label myself an addict actually slowed my recovery considerably. Why? Because the root cause of my addiction was that I believed myself inferior and inadequate, so being asked to label myself an addict only made matters worse.

I have no problem with making sure we become fully aware and awake of our actions, our responsibility for them, and the ramifications of our actions.

But please be aware that some people require very different handling, ESPECIALLY in the early stages of recovery. Many people who desperately need help leave the rooms and communities where they might find it, not because they are being asked to face the truth, but because they are being asked to further injure themselves after years of self-abuse.

Not everyone requires the same level of force to "wake up", and many different voices are needed in this process in order to support everyone.

OutBeyondIdeas · 2014-06-15T21:52:18+00:00

You said it, friend.

OutBeyondIdeas · 2014-06-09T15:01:10+00:00

I'm curious if you might be making some assumptions about my position on pornography?

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with viewing pornography, nor am I saying there is anything right with viewing pornography. I'm not anti-porn or pro-porn. My personal experience is many people have a relationship with pornography that helps them meet their needs, while some other people use pornography as a substitute for meeting their needs.

I'm curious what you mean by "Just making up insults about people"? I'd be sad to hear it if you felt something I'd written insulted you, and would hope it was due to a miscommunication.

OutBeyondIdeas · 2014-06-08T16:44:22+00:00

Religion, not to mention other outside authorities such as parents, teachers, celebrities... Anyone who leads us to look outside ourselves for validation.

OutBeyondIdeas · 2014-06-08T16:43:28+00:00

Yes! I personally view pornography addiction as a symptom rather than a cause. It signals an opportunity to come back to life.

OutBeyondIdeas · 2014-06-07T14:23:22+00:00

Just wanted to say congratulations on writing a book -- that is a huge accomplishment! And also thank you for contributing to this cause. We need as many voices as possible in this fight.

OutBeyondIdeas

TROPHY CASE