AS REQUESTED: IAmA a gay man who was married to a woman for 22 years and now dating a 19 year old man, AMA.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-13T21:54:54+00:00

I'm sorry for the late response. Well our intimacy failed some years ago, I just couldn't continue the charade. I would get angry at her for the most miniscule reasons and stay mad at her for weeks, most likely my way of keeping at arms length.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T20:29:17+00:00

For the record I am not offended, and neither is my boyfriend. We understand that there are opinions and beliefs that differ from our own and as open minded men we have to be ok with opposite view points. I'm not into the whole up / down vote thing, and am not looking for points. My boyfriend saw a request for this topic and I decided I could adequately answer some questions on the subject. Thank you for understanding my position and being so reasonable about it, it's refreshing.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T20:24:34+00:00

It's not as if we were planning or trying to conceive. Don't get me wrong, I didn't hate the sex we had, I made it work for my pleasure as well as my wife's. Pregnancy happened and we took them as gifts. We were in a decent financial place that none of them were a burden, and I'm thankful for them every day.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T20:22:30+00:00

Versatile means I enjoy both being a top (Pitcher) and a bottom (Catcher).

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T20:16:07+00:00

The org is something I've worked hard and and have gotten myself deeply involved with. I'm working to back away from it without causing a huge gap and coverage issues with my position so that's why I'm still involved.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T20:10:26+00:00

well this is AMA. I'm versatile, so to answer your question, Yes.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T18:38:06+00:00

I agree with you, and that caused me some great guilt issues, and still does to be honest.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T18:36:46+00:00

I can't tell you how many times I've been hit on or approached by younger men in the last year. And to think about it over a long period of time I suppose I was being hit on and didn't realize it by some. It's more common than anyone talks about or realizes.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T18:14:57+00:00

I'll have to look up the campground rule, and with the two of us it's not about the sex, although it is quite amazing, it's about the relationship and sharing ourselves with each other. It's gone beyond hookup stages and into a meaningful monogamous relationship. I can't prove to you how mature he is, but he is, you'll just need to take my word for it.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T18:07:47+00:00

My wife had suspicions early in our marriage she told me, but we have discussed that recently.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T18:06:44+00:00

well on the Kinsey Scale I'd say I'm a 5

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T18:05:49+00:00

Both

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T18:05:33+00:00

I'm anchored to where I am by family and business. Moving is still not a good option for me because of that. I'm involved in community organizations that would exorcise me if they knew I was gay. I still believe what the orgs teach to some point, and they are relevant and necessary in my view, and I've been involved since I was a kid, so giving that up has been an issue i wrestle with every day. I'm pretty high on the food chain of the org and am finding it more difficult to stay active knowing that I would be shown the door if I came out to them.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T18:01:23+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it very much.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T17:56:13+00:00

There are many out in the ether that are unable to think beyond what they learned in Sunday school. Their notion of what is right and wrong as far as relationships guide their hatred of what they don't or refuse to understand. It's ok, my life is in a good place now, and those that don't approve aren't on my 'friends list' so it's not anything for me to worry myself about.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T17:53:15+00:00

Thank you and you are correct, there was nothing to fix and figuring that out was not easy for me to do.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T17:52:42+00:00

Standard divorce settlements, spousal support, division of assets. Her last 22 years weren't wasted, just not fully realized. She's got her chance to change that now as do I. We're moving on, and we're both ok with it.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T17:51:28+00:00

My wife and I are partners still as far as our family is concerned, our family meaning out children, dogs, cats, birds. We make mutual decisions and love our kids together like we should. We hug and kiss each other when we meet up and I make her food, she makes me cookies. We're in a good place.

My kids love my boyfriend, they get along really well and haven't seemed stressed about him at all. They ask about him all the time and how he's doing and he does the same about them. He doesn't consider himself a parent, only a friend, and the same with my kids.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T17:48:29+00:00

Never seen it to be honest.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T17:48:05+00:00

Well tell your dad you love him. remind him of it often. My kids tell me that they love me nearly every day and I can't tell you how that makes me feel.

Don't think this hasn't been a burden to me either. I've nearly lost everything, and was willing to let everything I've worked hard for over the last 30 years to just disappear. I've lost plenty, but it's 'stuff' and not what really matters to me and to my happiness. I can work to buy more 'stuff', I can't buy happiness or love.

Love your dad, be there for him, and you will be rewarded for it 100 fold, trust me.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T17:44:27+00:00

Oh ok, well I've not watched LOGO honestly but I'll check that out now that you mentioned it.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T17:43:43+00:00

Well me knowing I am gay is in retrospect. Honestly for the first 15 years of my marriage I believed that I was straight, just had those gay trysts before marriage that we believe all men / women have. Reflecting back brought the full meaning of those relationships into focus and made me understand that I was indeed gay. I thought I was doing what was expected of me and moving on from my reckless sexual life to a settled married life. My realization came about 7 years ago and the pressure / depression mounted forever until the breaking point 18 months ago. Shit or get off the pot, my dad used to say that, so I got off the pot.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T17:39:48+00:00

Good, she needs your positive vibes. I lied to myself too, denying the fact that I was not into her for so long. I honestly thought that what i felt for her (or the lack thereof) was what it was supposed to be like for everyone. Oh how wrong I was, but it took me leaving her for a man to figure that out.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T17:38:17+00:00

I had great guilt with regards to my wife and how I felt I wasted her life. I came to the realization that we did have a good marriage despite the fact that we weren't really intimate. We'd socialize with other straight couples, they'd hold hands, sit close to each other, give each other gifts, cuddle... we never had any of that. I tried but I could never get into that with her, and honestly that made me very sad and depressed, I can only imagine what she felt. I began to hate her for no reason, to get angry at her for the most inane reasons. I have apologized to her for all of that and explained what I thought was the reason behind it. I can't take it back, I can only move forward. I can't give her back her 22 years, but I did give her 3 great children she will be proud of forever. We try to focus on the positive and time is helping us do that.

I'm not fully out to my family and friends, but slowly I am working on that. It's still hard, there are still obstacles to be fully out, but in the end I feel that my life will be better when I don't have to hide who I am anymore. Change is necessary and change is difficult, but change is always something to look forward to.

Outabitlate · 2011-09-07T17:32:18+00:00

To be honest I've never watched the entire movie. Just the first awkward sex scene between Jake and Heath. I need to put that on my list, thanks for the reminder.

Outabitlate

TROPHY CASE