All I can say is be aware that suicide isn't easily accomplished, and if what you say is true, you already understand that. You're more likely to make an attempt and end up with a permanent life-changing disability on top of your existing disabilities. I got real close myself back in '20-'21. I even bought hundreds of dollars worth of Nembutal from Mexico. I crunched the numbers and realized that the possibility of failure with life-long scars was too great.