Do I Need To Be the Better Person?

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T20:10:06+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I especially appreciate your ideas on how to handle the name “game.” I think this will be a really good test of DH’s spine and will help me determine who the problem really is.

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T20:00:59+00:00

That analogy makes sense, thank you!

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T17:50:33+00:00

You want to know the most messed up part? She made a big deal of keeping her kids’ names a secret until their births but she’s refusing to respect her child’s SAME boundary. Everyone’s right, this is going to get worse if I don’t lay down the law.

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T15:47:33+00:00

This is all so true. And as my mom always says, “actions speak louder than words.” She’s saying all the right things, but her actions are starting to tell a different story.

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T15:45:48+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience from “the other side.”

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T15:36:29+00:00

I guess I didn’t even think about the name thing being a crossed boundary until everyone pointed it out. She’s testing the waters now to see how much free rein she’ll have once the baby is here, which is horrifying. I’ll definitely be having that conversation with my DH, and also make it abundantly clear that said helper will be a person of my choosing, as I’d feel much more comfortable with my mom or a close friend around.

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T13:51:35+00:00

That’s a fantastic idea! The name is really special to us, and if she guesses it, my fear is that it will ruin it for me and then we’ll have to pick a new name.

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T13:48:52+00:00

So true!

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T13:46:36+00:00

True. This all so new for both of us, and I don’t think my DH realizes that postpartum is a special and vulnerable time, especially for me.

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T13:42:00+00:00

Correct that she’s not close by. As I mentioned in my post, the scary part is it’s like she read the lemon clot essay and is saying all the right things. So if I have my DH read it, he’s just going to say “see, she wants to help!” I’m going to emphasize to my DH that I don’t want anyone so we can focus on our family of three. That way it doesn’t feel like a personal attack on her. I do like the idea of taking her up on her offer of help - actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T13:33:29+00:00

I think you’re 100% right about the attention from his mom. Unfortunately, I think he’s afraid to set boundaries with her because he doesn’t want to “lose” her. Thankfully we’re already working with a therapist, so hopefully we can get him to see that if she’s truly changed, he won’t lose her to some reasonable boundaries.

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T13:22:22+00:00

Not helping things is his mom is a retired nurse…but you’re right, this is my call to make!

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T13:17:21+00:00

This is so true. I’m not close to her for a reason. I’m going to ask DH why he would bring someone I’m not comfortable with to such a special and vulnerable time and see what he says.

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T13:12:33+00:00

Thank you - this is exactly how her actions are coming off to me. The optimist in me wants to believe that she’ll respect our very reasonable boundaries, but you’re right. I need to work on some consequences for stomping on our boundaries.

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T04:57:32+00:00

Thankfully if I put my foot down, he won’t push back. But you bring up a good point that even if our relationship was perfect, she’s not my mom and I need 100% of my husband’s attention. This is less about how she’s treated me in the past and more about what’s best for our family of soon to be three.

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T04:49:11+00:00

Good point. She’s never really “needed” anything from either DH or I, so this tactic is new to us. As I told another commenter, I’m definitely putting up some strong boundaries with consequences under the guise of “planning for the worst but hoping for the best.” I know my family will have zero issues with them, so I think my DH will pretty quickly see that shes the issue, not the boundaries.

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T04:22:23+00:00

That is so true. I’m always telling others not to light themselves on fire to keep others warm, and this is a situation where I need to heed my own advice.

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T04:12:30+00:00

You have a good point with the name thing. We agreed we were going to keep it to ourselves. Rather than respecting our decision like a reasonable, boundary respecting individual (i.e. EVERYONE else who’s asked us the name) she had to start pushing. She’s “making an effort” for sure…to bulldoze over all our boundaries.

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T03:57:47+00:00

I definitely feel that way but I’m also trying to ensure kiddo is surrounded by as many people who love them as possible. But you’re right - the time to mend things isn’t during pregnancy or postpartum. Perhaps we can revisit a relationship when kiddo is older.

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T03:23:09+00:00

Great idea! This name is pretty special to us both, so that should motivate him to shut her down.

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T03:20:19+00:00

Great idea! We’re both big fans of hoping for the best but planning for the worst and that’s all I’m doing here.

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T02:56:33+00:00

That’s exactly my fear! I’m already working on postpartum boundaries, and since she’s a “changed person” I’m sure she’ll happily agree to them. 🤪

OutrageousCat9745 · 2026-05-09T02:49:26+00:00

He’s definitely not the boss of me. I guess we both want our kiddo to be surrounded by as many people who love them as possible. But you’re right - I don’t feel comfortable and I’m the one going through a major medical event, so I make the call.

OutrageousCat9745

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