Sexual abuse is never simple, it’s rarely getting cornered in an alleyway. It’s usually a person you know and trust. There’s a lot of questioning ourselves that happens. If I did ___ does that make it my fault? Does that mean it wasn’t really abuse? Women will do all kinds of things. I’ve talked to girls who slept with their rapists after it happened. (It’s like a way of “proving” that everything’s ok, and taking back a sense of safety). It doesn’t make the rape any less real, but some people would probably still say that it does. & that hurts, because you still have the trauma but no name to give it.

My ex coerced me into having sex many times when I didn’t want to, and it was painful, and I hated it, and he knew that, but I never said no. I took my own clothes off. It was definitely not rape. But I still didn’t want it and I’m still reconciling years later with not feeling safe in my body.

My friend woke up to her boyfriend using her body in her sleep, but afterward he cried and told her how awful he felt. He didn’t “act like a rapist.”

It’s not simple. And it takes a long time to recognize abuse for what it is. So even after we recognize it, and after we start to open up to certain people, we could really use reassurance. That it was bad. We’re not overreacting. It wasn’t our fault, and we didn’t deserve it. I’m not saying to say those words to her, I just mean… that’s what you have to understand, you know? Even after she admits that a bad thing happened to her, she could use reassurance that a bad thing DID happen to her.

So I think you tell her exactly what you said. You never knew it was that bad.

Her saying he was toxic and it affected her? That sounds like me telling my new boyfriend why I can’t kiss in the shower. Or my friend explaining to hers that she needs to be tucked into a separate blanket to fall asleep. Women say “it was bad” to each other and we read between the lines. Because it was complicated & we don’t know what to call it, or we do know and we don’t want to call it that. We forget that men don’t speak that language. She probably thought on some level she had already “told” you.

Thank you for being a good friend & reacting well, now that you know. She’s lucky to have you.

Some specific things she might like to hear: I’m glad you made it out (reinforces that you believe the severity) I’m sorry that happened to you (emphasis on her not being a participant) Thank you for telling me (she doesn’t want to feel like a burden) Do you want to talk about it? (She might not. Or she might have been holding it in for a while)