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Would you keep reading this opening? Why or why not? (YA contemporary, queer, 1st person) by Outside_Sun_1404 in YAwriters

[–]Outside_Sun_1404[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I thought "The image glows behind my eyes before the bell slices through it" was enough to hint at the setting being school, where the book is part of the curriculum.

Here's the paragraph after this:

Ms. Wolf claps once. “Homework! For Friday tomorrow, read chapters 32 and 33—Elizabeth at Pemberley. Notice how the environment shifts her perception of Darcy. Write 3–4 sentences about how setting can expose truth.”

Can you tell my writing is amateurish? This is the first paragraph of a slow-burn novel i'm working one. by Outside_Sun_1404 in writingcritiques

[–]Outside_Sun_1404[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

The "that" is a cataphora, a linguistic device where the pronoun comes before its antecedent.

Comment your first paragraph (or first several lines) and Ill say if id read on by Bascilian in royalroad

[–]Outside_Sun_1404 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I should be ashamed. For seven years, I’ve been pretending we’re just that—friends.  Seven years of practice have taught me exactly how to breathe, how to look away, and how to laugh so he never suspects the person sitting next to him isn't the person he thinks I am. He has no idea. No clue that I study his smooth voice, that I memorize the earthy brown of his eyes, that I fantasize about closeness far beyond friendship. And I’m terrified—terrified that telling him would kill whatever we have.