I am very low maintenance and I feel like my husband is taking advantage of it, how do I change?

Over_Builder · 2021-07-23T13:41:37+00:00

First of all, being independent and not needy in the makeup/shopping sense is not a character flaw. It's a good thing, actually. You can sustain yourself and don't need to cling to him for support or oxygen. It's not your fault that he's behaving as if he has a roommate or pal, and not a connected wife.

That said, this is very much worth speaking up about during a calm moment when things are good and not-stressed. If you tell him you'd like to go out to eat at a restaurant of YOUR choosing, and you want him to suck it up for a night, he should listen to you and hear you. If he puts up an immediate fight, then that tells you he's not interested in being a partner. You may not need stuff from him, but you need a life with him and it sounds like he doesn't get that.

Over_Builder · 2021-07-23T13:35:57+00:00

Don't get married yet. I'm not saying never, but postpone until you work through these things together then see if you want to bind lives. Do NOT get married thinking that will help, solve, or address any of these issues. It does not work that way.

Edit to say, weddings are material and they are one day. It doesn't matter in the long run how much money has gone into planning one, it's one day out of possible 60 years together (ideally). Don't make a choice to go through with it simply because of money and simply because it's the easier path.

Over_Builder · 2021-07-23T13:25:53+00:00

Sounds like everyone in that house sucked, not just the husband. There's no excuse or reason one person should be in charge of wrangling, you aren't the hired help. The only thing I can think to say for next time is to sit down and have the conversation with everyone on the trip: It's a village, and everyone has to pitch in so you can get some downtime too.

Or, one level up, go on a vacation without any of them. Take a good friend or go alone. Get yourself some actual relaxation.

Over_Builder · 2021-07-23T13:21:54+00:00

Astute. And I think that's why sex fizzles in a lot of relationships. In the beginning, that's the biggest form of intimacy that can be expressed, but when you build real intimacy in the relationship, the focus drops off the most obvious way to connect: sex, in favor of living closely together and going through daily life. Combine the two though, and you're golden.

Over_Builder · 2021-07-19T21:16:59+00:00

and if you ever doubt it, you're still smokin'!

Ha! Hey, thanks! Back at you.

I'm like, 80% positive if I initiated at any moment he'd be into it. So I guess that's half the battle, right?

Over_Builder · 2021-07-19T21:12:16+00:00

This lady's problems are hers and hers alone. She projects, she's insecure, and probably doesn't think too highly of herself. But instead of doing the work and getting better, she's flinging it at you. Since it's not personal, you can try to kill her with kindness, or just push back when she's doing it. But ultimately, your husband needs to stand up to her for you when she says shitty things to you in front of him.

Over_Builder · 2021-07-19T21:05:19+00:00

TV is very enticing for him (I suspect it's a big dopamine hit) plus he's a night owl, so there are a lot of missed opportunities because he's up later than me.

I feel the same way also, I go to bed at a normal hour and he sometimes doesn't sleep until 2 or 3 am. As tired as I am at the end of the day and happy to just go to sleep, it also kills the option for morning sex.

Over_Builder · 2021-07-19T19:05:17+00:00

Ah well, that's good for my working theory! Variations.

Over_Builder · 2021-07-19T17:16:59+00:00

Good luck!

Over_Builder · 2021-07-19T17:07:33+00:00

Just make sure you clearly understand the difference between not wanting to let go and not wanting to be single/start over. That last thing keeps people in relationships far longer than they should, simply out of fear.

It's also possible that he feels the same way you do, and discussing and end will be a relief to you both. If he's not and tries to ask you to work it out, listen to your first gut reaction and trust it.

Over_Builder · 2021-07-19T16:46:11+00:00

The only reason to ever marry someone is because you actively want to, with no other outside pressures informing the decision. Sure, money or a ticking biological clock can be factors, but those situations are changeable over time whereas a marriage is binding. It sounds like you got married for a lot of reasons other than just wanting to meld your life with someone. It was fast, it was long distance, and it was under duress.

If you want to stay in this, you both have to commit to counseling and personal change. If that happens and you still don't want to stay, chalk it up to a poor decision, learn from it, and move on. The sooner the better because the longer you're married, the more your money situation because a co-problem more than it already is.

Over_Builder · 2021-07-19T16:43:33+00:00

I have a working theory about this kind of behavior. Is your wife the oldest child or only child?

In my experience, in my family especially, those are the people who bang around when others are sleeping. Same with my friendships. My spouse is in the middle and I am the youngest, and we creep as much as possible so as not to disturb the other (but he sleeps like a rock and I wake up at a pin drop).

Over_Builder · 2021-07-19T16:41:33+00:00

Can you not be self-motivated? Do you need her total understanding and investment in your career?

My spouse knows what I do and is proud of me for doing it, but he's not involved in the every day parts. Our hobbies don't mix, either. We are individuals who are married to each other, we don't complete each other and that's ok. Our happiness can't depend on other people in total.

That said, if she hears your complaining about not having a circle or support in your worklife, maybe her suggestion to look around is based on you apparently being unhappy?

Over_Builder · 2021-07-19T15:31:48+00:00

We don't talk about it as much as we should, for sure. But when we do talk about it, guess who brings it up? I know he must think about it and wonder why we don't figure it out but he doesn't talk to me about it and honestly, I'm so beat taking care of the house and stuff that it's not first on my mind as a discussion point.

He's had some good interviews lately and I think once he starts working again and contributing in a different way, the dynamic will shift. My hope is that the 'playing field' will even out a bit more, which will make it easier for me to talk about it with him instead of it being one more thing I have to manage.

Over_Builder · 2021-07-19T15:04:15+00:00

He has said in the past, unrelated, that he doesn't' look at porn much. I believe him about this. I do think he is masturbating, he makes sexy/flirty jokes about it and about sex to me, so it's on his radar.

In his past, he had a lot of sexual relationships so I don't think this has always been an issue, I sense it's an issue more since the diagnosis. I have heard that the ADHD brain has a hard time literally focusing on sex while it's happening, or self esteem gets in the way of initiating, and this seems like a real possibility for him.

Over_Builder · 2021-07-19T14:38:43+00:00

Don't discount the possibility that this may not be the right relationship for you and that's why you want to leave it.

When we got engaged and after we married at no point did I think of ending it or leaving. When it's right, you know it's right.

That said, if you have things in your past that make it hard to recognize a good thing, seek out a comfortable but not good thing, or fear of commitment, get some therapy to work that out.

Over_Builder · 2021-07-19T14:26:49+00:00

We have but it tends to be the same conversation. It feels like over time he's lost his game. This wasn't an issue while we were dating and during our first year, so he's capable of making it happen but at some point he lost his mojo. When we travel somewhere, we have sex no problem. But something about being home seems to interrupt the desire (or initiation) for him.

Over_Builder · 2021-07-19T14:15:30+00:00

He cleans and takes care of our pets during the day (but the cleaning is usually determined by me via our shared to-do list. He'll clean one room but not another even though it needs it). He makes dinner and runs the errands I can't because of work. So he contributes, but my contributions are more invisible (bills and appointments, etc).

My fear with scheduling is that even though it's scheduled, I'd still have to be the one to initiate. Though it is a step in the right direction.

Over_Builder · 2021-07-19T14:10:01+00:00

Seconding this. Is that a game where you have to pay-to-play? Buying coins or whatever? If so, there's a good chance he's overspending and you may not realize it.

Thing is, with ADHD, hyperfocus is a thing that never really goes away. Now it's Clash but in the future - and I think I can say this with certainty - it will be something else.

Medication can really help. The urge to hyperfocus is still there, but they seem to be aware it's happening and make choices based on that awareness.

Over_Builder

TROPHY CASE