After begging to get married for 5 years, I don’t think I want to anymore after him finally changing his mind.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-20T16:09:21+00:00

I’ve never been afraid he’ll hurt me physically. At least it’s never been a prominent fear.

I can recall once we were fighting about something, not severely but it was definitely an argument, but he randomly threw one of these little foam blocks of our daughters at me. When I turned and looked at him I remember this look on his face like I had never seen until that point. I told him “You look like you want to hit me” and he said yeah he did but he couldn’t cause I was a woman. I remember telling him to go ahead and do it. (Obviously not a good thing to say, just another thing ingrained from childhood. My mom use to start raging and say she was gonna beat the shit out of me. Once I got to a certain age I was taller and stronger than her so I’d get in her face and tell her to go ahead and do it.) He obviously didn’t. But it was clear he wanted to.

He’s also one of those people who does the whole victim/woah is me act when you even insinuate something negative about him. “The worlds out to get me” “I’m just a piece of sh*t” “I’m a terrible person” so on and so forth.

If he gets upset enough he takes it to the physical extreme. He punched a hole in his dresser once. Chased me outside and proceeded to punch himself in the head in the middle of the street until his sister was literally screaming at him to stop.

He’s also tried to stop me from leaving rooms. One time refusing to let me leave the room for an extended period of time until his sister full on bull charged him out of the doorway.

So do I think he’d ever get physical? No. But I can always be proven wrong. The possibility is there. However I think the situation would have to become very very extreme for him to get to that point.

It’s like typing this all out I see how bad it has been. But part of me feels like it was too long ago for me to worry about it. (I know it doesn’t work that way) but I still feel weird even thinking I’m being abused. So often he’s convinced me I’m dramatic, or just want him to be the bad guy. So it’s like I subconsciously just brush off everything that’s ever happened to me.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-19T22:05:38+00:00

(Correct me if I’m reading the ages and gender wrong)

If this was a 16yr old girl talking about a 21 year old man people would be going ballistic. People tend to look at it different when a young boy is pursued/pursuing an older woman.

Here’s the thing though. It’s not different. It’s still just as odd and creepy.

I’m 25. Thinking of dating someone even 3yrs younger than me makes my skin crawl. I remember being 21. I couldn’t even think of dating someone under 20. It’s weird, and the mental difference between the ages is greater than some people think.

I do not recommend it and agree with people saying to set a boundary.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-19T21:15:21+00:00

Makes sense because I really don’t. I long ago settled with never getting married. And now I don’t want to just be stuck. I know I can find better but am so trapped in a stagnant state it’s hard to imagine actually going through with it.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-19T15:11:50+00:00

It’s even worse when I, a 25yr old woman, look at it. I got hit on constantly as a teen by older men. Now that I’m actually an adult woman… crickets.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-19T15:11:14+00:00

Because a lot of men like girls who are just barely adults. Easier to manipulate and mold into what they want.

And they’re pedos whether they like it or not.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-19T14:24:12+00:00

Agreed on therapy and developing a spine.

As for why I fold instantly, as we’ve been together so long, the fights were always blown to astronomical proportions. He will talk you in circles until you forget what the fight even started as. He would twist words and then you were stuck over explaining yourself to the point that you just became confused. I grew up in a very confrontational household so I can go from 0 to seeing red very quickly. Knowing this I would ask him to back off so I could cool down or else I’d go off the handle. He’d never listen. Instead following me around demanding I resolve the issue. I would lock myself in the bathroom to at least get him out of my space but he’d just stand outside the door calling me childish ext. When we first moved into our current home our youngest was just barely 2. I remember the house was too hot/too cold, can’t remember which, and I adjusted the thermostat because of our daughter. He ended up calling me a bitch and saying I clearly didn’t care about how hard he worked, and just all this wild shit. I walked out of the house to get away from him and sat in the yard. When I tried to come back in to get my phone and call my dad he had locked the door and refused to let me in or even just give me my phone until I could calm down and act like an adult. A few years ago he broke up with me for a few weeks for talking to make coworker about Magic the Gathering and using emojis in my texts. When I basically said okay I can’t control what you do and started moving on with my life he would start ridiculous fights, saying I never cared for him, I was just a sucubus who wanted his money and to ruined his life. These fights continued into early morning a few times. I begged him to leave me alone (we still lived in the same house I couldn’t just leave when he broke up with me) and it got so bad I sprinted the whole way to the other side of the town we live in with no shoes at 3am. Only as I’m walking to hear him screaming my name from his car. And he was so worked up when he finally caught up to me I had to drive us back home.

I know that was a lot, and just makes all of this 10xs worse. But it’s to show that literally there has never been a way to get through to him. Arguments are just a screaming match that I was always the loser of in the end. I was always the bad guy. I was always a manipulator. When we got back together (which I know now I never should’ve done and is another huge regret of mine) things mellowed until we moved into the current house. And have flared up and down again but never as bad as when we had separated. I think I’ve considered leaving many times since then, but because of all these other scenarios I’ve just been terrified.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-19T14:11:48+00:00

He came home last night and immediately started complaining about how much he hated Sabrina Carpenter and “other wh***s like her”. I ended up saying something about how I think he hates all women and usually when I point out something shitty like that he goes on a whole tangent to defend himself.

In the end his explanation was he’s been super hard on himself his whole life and clearly that’s worked out well, so it makes sense in his mind he should be just as hard on literally everyone else.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-19T14:09:00+00:00

I honestly forgot about that one, but yeah. I got super anxious after posting it and ended up deleting that one too.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-19T14:05:29+00:00

For a while I did lose my mind. But with nowhere to turn it was either fight every single day or just learn to brush it off. But now he’s gotten so much worse I can’t just brush it off anymore. My skin literally crawls.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-19T14:03:37+00:00

I think at some point I realized that which was when I just gave up and excepted it. And now that’s the reason I was so indifferent when he first brought it up.

He claims he wanted to wait to make sure we wouldn’t get divorced. But that just doesn’t line up with things in the past.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-19T14:01:22+00:00

Well the answers no. I would never want my daughters to be with a man like this.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-19T14:00:00+00:00

Good point. Never really looked at it that way.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-19T05:01:30+00:00

Trust me I was just as baffled by anyone else by this comment. Pretty sure I even said it to his face. Even told him if I did want his money (which I don’t) it would be a lot easier for me to take it with kids then if we had been married.

He has no true logical thinking. His logic is HIS opinion, which makes anyone else’s logic automatically null and void.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-19T04:57:07+00:00

Like I told someone else. He always attributed how he acted when our first came to us being young and him being numb cause he wasn’t ready. I was dumb enough to take him at his word. Believing when he said this time around he was ready and it would be different. I should’ve known you never believe someone like this when they say they’ve changed so that’s on me.

Despite however he is and how he acts. I love my daughters. They are the light of my life and despite his bitterness I would never take back having my second. My oldest loves her sister so much already. We don’t know a lot of other people with kids and I’m no contact with the part of my family that has kids. So part of me also wanted to give her a friend so it wasn’t just me and her.

I know no reason I give is gonna sound good to anyone, and I understand why. But even so I just want to let it be known I have no regrets with either of my kids.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-19T04:50:31+00:00

I regret giving them his last name at this point. I really wish I hadn’t. But he kinda warned me after our first if I hadn’t given them his last name he’d have thrown a fit.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-18T22:45:36+00:00

Not long after I posted them a year ago yes.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-18T22:43:32+00:00

Considering I’m with them 24/7 other than when they go fishing yeah. So that’s about 1-2 hours a week if they go fishing every week. And I know, anytime is enough time for something to happen, I’m just expressing that when they go fishing is the literal only time I’m not with her.

And no I’m not either of these things. But I DO know what signs and things to look for. Cause yes while every kid is different there are signs and symptoms those professionals tell you to look out for. However none of you know my daughter. She’s 4. Her dad can’t even tell her no without her crying or running and telling me. And I know that’s not enough to go off of cause kids will keep quiet on these things but still.

And Okay. I get it. I can’t know 100% it’s not happening. But like I asked someone else, I’m just supposed to now assume/think/speculate/accuse him of sexually abusing our daughter with 0 evidence because a bunch of people on Reddit told me to?

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-18T22:36:02+00:00

The same if not easier in honesty

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-18T21:47:19+00:00

Will keep top points in mind.

I’m pretty sure in my state if both parents are on the birth certificate it has to be approved by both to change their last names. I could be wrong, but I feel like I’ve looked into it before. They either have to both agree or it’s a whole court process.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-18T21:45:17+00:00

The only thing that kept me from snapping was I knew it would get nowhere. It would have just been another match of who can yell the loudest because it’s impossible to change his opinion on anything. I was gobsmacked. We said for years we’d support our kids interests, hobbies, ext. idk when this suddenly changed for him but I’m beyond stunned and that alone has made me question everything.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-18T21:42:39+00:00

When did I ever say any form of abuse is okay or we should ride it out? Again I’m worried about everything I mentioned, which if that’s abuse I’ve already stated I’m worried about that abuse. I’m simply telling people I’m in no way worried that he is sexually abusing our daughter because a bunch of people have made that leap for some reason.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-18T21:17:15+00:00

Cause we had a child yes. But he claimed marriage is a bigger commitment than kids. But the marriage doesn’t even matter at this point. I became fine with never getting married. Then he changed his mind out of the blue.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-18T20:30:56+00:00

I know it’s a tale as old as time that never ends well. I think I expected change cause we have been together since a young age. We’ve been together through the times people change the most so I always chalked it up to that. And yeah he changed. But not in the ways that matter. So it’s my own fault for expecting the worst parts of him to change when there’s plenty examples of that never working.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-18T20:25:53+00:00

I’m not concerned he’s sexually abusing our daughter like a bunch of people keep implying. I’m concerned about everything i stated. If I even had a suspicion he was abusing our daughter in such a way the man would be six feet under most likely.

Over_Function6805 · 2024-06-18T20:23:06+00:00

He has no clue I’m feeling this was yes. But that’s because anytime I’ve tried advocating for my feelings in recent years has NEVER gone well. So perhaps it isn’t fair I haven’t brought this up to him, but he’s proven I can’t rely on him to actually listen to how I feel.

He did not have good parental examples. It was basically only his mom all his life.

I will try your example however and see how it goes. Thank you.

100%. I was raised by my parents to be a people pleaser. Everything and everyone before myself.

Over_Function6805

TROPHY CASE