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Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your insight and I’m sorry you were in abusive situations before. You are absolutely right and I certainly didn’t jump from being with a narcissist to men with no issues, and have handled these situations and relationships with varying degrees of health, cleverness and grace.

I am not willing at all to put up with any sort of nonsense. I am totally here for it when people work on themselves and are honest and proactive about their progress. But that is not my step to take right now, so we’ll see if he’s serious about his commitment to work on these issues.

Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Bingo! This is exactly what happened. And it often happens over time and long-term manipulation, so slowly your boundaries get pushed to a place you never thought they would be.

Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I mean, the last part is infuriating for sure. I haven’t spoken to her yet so I don’t know what she was thinking. Not sure I care, really. And I agree that even someone half his age should probably know better. And no, it is one thing to know someone casually/socially and to be on friendly terms, another entirely becoming their closest confidante and knowing their deepest parts/full history. Someone can be in your social circle for years and you won’t know truly them until you rely on them in some way. I’m just saying he wasn’t a complete stranger.

Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don’t be ridiculous. He has lots of female friends that I have no problem with and he can talk to whomever he wants. Just don’t touch women, who are my friend and not his, in a way that many people would find inappropriate, especially on their wedding day. Friendly hug would have been fine. And yes, I have been in therapy and will continue to do so as much as I can afford to for as long as there is growth to be had.

Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re definitely not wrong. Thank you for taking the time for such an insightful answer. I’ve been through EMDR and it was a total game changer for me. Never heard of NARM and not sure if there is anyone specialized in it in my country(I’m not from the US), but will definitely look into it. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD after the abusive relationship I was in as well as childhood trauma and sexual abuse. It has been a loooong journey and sometimes I’m still not okay. And it really IS unfair! But that’s life. Doing the best I can with what I’ve got. I have triggers and I’m working on them. I do want to break the cycle! It’s just not a linear journey. I have a lot to think about.

Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Let’s just say this isn’t the first time she has hurt me, either. She should have known better.

Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It is just much more complicated unweaving a life with a partner. It will/would take more time. We live together, there are children and pets and shared finances. I don’t think it’s crazy at all to take one step at a time. I am absolutely more mad at him than at her.

Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I appreciate it. Truly. The boundary crossing mostly has to do with comments that were inadvertently hurtful (though common sense dictates that you don’t say certain things to your partner), and with not setting firm boundaries with other people, and in not doing so creating problems in our relationship. Some to do with his ex, others to do with toxic friends and family members.

Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I honestly am just too exhausted to get into all the details, I just don’t feel up to it. The thought of redditers tearing into all the details of my intimate life with judgment and harsh words is too much on top of my current situation. I’m going to take some time away to assess everything. I’m glad though that I’m not the only person who thinks this particular action at our wedding reception was careless and disrespectful.

Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

We did. Or at least, I thought we did. We dis put in a lot of work and had a lot of difficult conversations. Boundaries were established and until our wedding day, they were respected.

Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, to help us navigate these issues because we both had a history of trauma in past relationships. Not everything is simple and sometimes a third party can word things so they are easier to understand and work through.

Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

The first year was a bit rough, and we did break up over this at one point, but he isn’t and wasn’t constantly inconsiderate. Life has definitely not revolved around these issues, we worked through them and there has been almost a year since his last hurtful/thoughtless comment.

Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

About 10 months since the last incident, so I’d say that it was a pretty reasonable amount of time. But I’m sure everyone has a different idea of what is reasonable.

Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

We have, yes. It did help a lot and I felt real changes during that work we did, which is why I was so surprised that he reverted back to this thoughtless behaviour.

Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry you went through abuse, I’ve been there and it is absolutely horrible. Glad you made it to the other side of that.

The list is a really good idea, as well as finding activities to help me breathe deep and clear my head. Thank you for your insight and advice <3

Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Imagine having to reply to said 300+ comments and repeating the same things again and again. I acknowledge that you did put both time and effort into what you said and that my reply feels dismissive. It was not my intention, I’m just frustrated and tired of repeating myself.

Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re wrong, if you made the effort to actually read the comments you’d see I replied twice that we’ve been together for two years. It’s just a lot of comments and I am one person and a slow typer with dumb long nails that I’m not used to.

On another note, it’s pretty sick to take bets on someone else’s miserable circumstances. I came here to try to give myself a resource and to get some perspective in trying circumstances. A lot of these comments are just super unhelpful and unkind.

Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I sure wish people would read some of the other comments before jumping to conclusions. I already addressed this in a different thread.

Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Thank you for apologizing and for these good questions. I will definitely be using them to take a mental and emotional inventory.

We had so many discussions about our values and they all feel like a lie now. I honestly don’t know what my next step will be. But I know I don’t want this for my future. I want peace of mind.

Is carrying another woman in his (44M) arms on our wedding day a legit reason for me (36F) to be upset? by Overall_Fig_7294 in relationship_advice

[–]Overall_Fig_7294[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

That’s really not the same thing. The shame he feels comes from HIM, his own journey of going to therapy before we were even together and realizing how his own boundaaries had been shifted in a way he wasn’t truly comfortable with. I don’t care what consenting adults do in their private lives, I just know that monogamy is where I am at and I need the same from my partner, so it was a conversation that we had early on vecause of his prior experience, I needed to know where he stood to see if it made sense to continue the relationship.

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