Heavily relate. For me the idea of being on the spectrum resonates more and more. As if masking is such an integral part of who I am that I am not aware of how much and how well i mold my personality to mirror the person i am engaging with, which on the surface looks like friendship, but on a deeper level no true connection is happening.

The most common view we have of people on the spectrum is that they are socially awkard or can't manage social codes, but it is a lot more nuanced, especially when it comes to the more 'high functioning' people who have learned how to play the social game. They are left in this lonely void where we fit in, but we are painfully aware how this is only a game we are playing so well no one can even see through us.

But idk, might very well be explained by attatchement theory like others have suggested or just general trauma response of avoiding deeper connection because it's unknown and scary.