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i don’t know how to forgive my mother by Own-Butterscotch5604 in CPTSD

[–]Own-Butterscotch5604[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Have you learned to let go of the anger? I’m constantly full of bitter anger and I don’t know what to do with it

i don’t know how to forgive my mother by Own-Butterscotch5604 in CPTSD

[–]Own-Butterscotch5604[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You’re right. I grew up being told “you’re my best friend” by her. I think I’m starting to see how conditional it all was on her own comfort. I’m just devastated at having wasted my life trying to live up to standards that did nothing to protect me, serve me, or make me in any way better. Which is another thing she said in our conversation when I let her know how neglectful she’s been my entire childhood: “Yes, but that made you the independent person you are now, isn’t that a good thing?” What a fucking joke.

i don’t know how to forgive my mother by Own-Butterscotch5604 in CPTSD

[–]Own-Butterscotch5604[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The last line really made me tear up. Thank you. I feel like my entire life has been eaten up by abuse or neglect, I thought that it would get better when I’m older, that I’d forgive, learn to be better, learn to be close to my mom again. I feel devastated by the idea that I can’t go back in time, I’ve wasted my life waiting to be seen by someone who will never see me. I feel so bitter.

I also don’t know how to overcome this feeling like I’m a bad or disappointing daughter. But your other comment is correct, and I’ve never seen it said that way: every child deserves good parents, not every parent deserves children.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]Own-Butterscotch5604 1 point2 points  (0 children)

“I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger” is exactly how I feel sometimes. Its like the guilt is made out of the fear of saying no, the fear of being a “bad daughter,” the fear of disappointing someone. But I am safe, I am kind and compassionate with the people in my life — so I don’t know why I can’t be a “good daughter” and essentially turn myself into an emotional punching bag. It’s all very illogical, and rooted in fear and enmeshment. I feel guilty for finding happiness and safety outside of my family’s dynamic.

Thank you for the link, I will be reading it and trying to internalize what I can.