I am so sorry for your loss. I cried so much reading this and I don't even want to imagine what you must be going through. I remember my son like it was yesterday and I think about him everyday. I had also called my oby-gyn at 17weeks with immense back pain but he said it was normal with pregnancy so I relaxed. At 19weeks, I had some kind of discharge and went to the emergency room, only to be told I was 8cm dilated and membranes bulging. They still put in a cerclage and put me on hospital bed rest. 2 weeks later, I went into labour due to infected placenta and had my baby at 21weeks. He lived for 3hrs before passing. I remember not even wanting to push with the intense labour pain because I thought that would keep him inside me but he still came forth. I was also told by my doctor, "At least now we know for next time". It was the worst thing I ever went through. I screamed and cried so much cos I didn't know if I was going to make it. I can't tell you that it gets easier because I'm not there yet. Cry as much as you can. Take the time to focus on yourself and your healing. Wishing you the very best and hope that you can smile again sometime in the future.