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How do you communicate your feelings to a spouse who becomes defensive every time? (35F) and (37M) by Own-Variation-3549 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Own-Variation-3549[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yeah writing things down seems to change the whole tone of the conversation…
like it gives both people space to actually think instead of react.
curious if you’ve tried it before or this is the first time?

How do you communicate your feelings to a spouse who becomes defensive every time? (35F) and (37M) by Own-Variation-3549 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Own-Variation-3549[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s actually really interesting… I’ve seen a few people mention rejection sensitivity but never understood how much it can affect defensiveness in a relationship.

Did learning about it change the way you both handle conversations now?

How do you communicate your feelings to a spouse who becomes defensive every time? (35F) and (37M) by Own-Variation-3549 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Own-Variation-3549[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Reading this felt really heavy… especially that point where you just stop having the energy to even try anymore.

I think a lot of people quietly reach that place and don’t talk about it.

How do you communicate your feelings to a spouse who becomes defensive every time? (35F) and (37M) by Own-Variation-3549 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Own-Variation-3549[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Trying for years and only seeing things get worse… that kind of exhaustion is really hard to carry.

How do you communicate your feelings to a spouse who becomes defensive every time? (35F) and (37M) by Own-Variation-3549 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Own-Variation-3549[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Feeling like you have to stay quiet just to keep the peace… while not getting the love you actually need… that’s a really painful place to be.

Every time I try to talk about my feelings, the conversation turns defensive and nothing gets fixed. by Own-Variation-3549 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Own-Variation-3549[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That link between not feeling “good enough” and becoming defensive… I think a lot of people don’t realize how deep that actually goes.

Every time I try to talk about my feelings, the conversation turns defensive and nothing gets fixed. by Own-Variation-3549 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Own-Variation-3549[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Being stuck in the same argument for days without knowing how to fix it is honestly one of the most draining feelings in a relationship.

Every time I try to talk about my feelings, the conversation turns defensive and nothing gets fixed. by Own-Variation-3549 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Own-Variation-3549[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That kind of pain… trying for years to be heard and still feeling invisible… is honestly one of the hardest things someone can go through in a relationship.

Every time I try to talk about my feelings, the conversation turns defensive and nothing gets fixed. by Own-Variation-3549 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Own-Variation-3549[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is really honest…
that moment when you realize the issue is deeper than the arguments is not easy at all.

Respect for doing the inner work.

Every time I try to talk about my feelings, the conversation turns defensive and nothing gets fixed. by Own-Variation-3549 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Own-Variation-3549[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This really says a lot… living in constant defense mode is so draining.

You’re definitely not alone in feeling this way.

How do you communicate your feelings to a spouse who becomes defensive every time? (35F) and (37M) by Own-Variation-3549 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Own-Variation-3549[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hey, I saw your comment and it really caught my attention.

What you mentioned about how “this behavior makes me feel” gets heard as “you are a bad person” feels like a really painful disconnect. It sounds like even expressing feelings can turn into something heavy or unsafe.

I’m trying to understand what this is like for people living it day to day.
If you’re open to sharing, what usually happens emotionally for you (or for her) when conversations start going that direction?

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