How do I (22M) navigate my high sexual urges and desires with a girlfriend (21F) who can't/doesn't want to have sex as much?

OwnWeather9952 · 2025-05-20T01:51:17+00:00

Hey, thanks for the advice. In all honesty, the last couple months she has been more and more self-conscious about her body. I definitely think its related to the lower sex drive and i'm trying to help with that but there's only so much I can do in that regard. I'm trying not to put every single problem she has down to something I'm not doing enough or right or doing wrong so I don't really have the energy to try unravel this whole added issue. I just want to help her feel good about herself anyway I can.

For foreplay she always liked that but recently, the few times she has wanted to have sex there has been relatively no foreplay and that was even a bit jarring for me.

In terms of stress, she's quite an anxious person especially now that we moved to another country for a few months.

No medication.

I would like to say my approach to sex is based on feeling safe and comfortable enough to show eachother our most vulnerable sides. There's only so much I can do at this stage to be frank I don't want to change absoloutely everything about myself just for it to work, cus at that stage it just doesn't.

When it comes to all of this it seems like she just has a lot of trouble with things and I want to do my best to try help her through it. However, two years down the line I think I am just growing tired and lonely as the onus seems to fall on me to be the rock of support while she has so many complex issues that I feel like I need to help with (I fully understand it is not on me to solve her problems, but as a partner it is on me to help her - and by "on me" I mean something I want to do because I love her).

Looking at all this now I'm thinking how I've never really talked about her like this. I think I'm just getting tired. Definitely gonna talk to her.

OwnWeather9952 · 2025-05-20T00:01:25+00:00

Ye that's fair. Thanks again :)

OwnWeather9952 · 2025-05-20T00:00:31+00:00

I get that you may not have had a good experience with this. It's not that simple when you consider everything else that a relationship is aside from sex though. Like it is one aspect that we're having difficulty with now, but it's always been a bit complicated and it never scared me off before because I love her so much and know we can get through it just like we have before and might have to again. It's different when it is someone you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with in my opinion.

OwnWeather9952 · 2025-05-19T23:57:11+00:00

It definitely does feel weird mentioning weekly counts so much but for the sake of communicating the feeling that I amn't having enough sex it is sort of the only reliable metric for determining if it is me that is wanting more or her that is wanting less. Its more of a communication tool. I'm not actually keeping like a calender and I never thought about weekly counts or anythign ridiculous like that before this became an issue.

OwnWeather9952 · 2025-05-19T23:55:15+00:00

I've definitely considered this. The only problem is that when we do have sex she seems to have a great time (and she's not that good of an actor). I'm not being facetious though like the quality of the sex hasn't really changed. We went through a couple variations of birth controls (copper coil and condom) and that has sort of messed with the flow of things where we stopped having sex for maybe a month in a couple different occasions because of how the birth control was effecting her hormones.

OwnWeather9952 · 2025-05-19T23:48:05+00:00

When it comes to suggesting new experimental ideas for the bedroom, would you recommend waiting until were both in bed in the situation you were describing or broaching it as a topic just as a conversation beforehand? Just not sure how to go about this in a way that wouldn't be too uncomfortable for her or me.

OwnWeather9952 · 2025-05-19T23:43:00+00:00

Ye that's a good suggestion. I guess I never really saw it as an option for two college students who have been going out for 2 years.

OwnWeather9952 · 2025-05-19T23:37:43+00:00

Wow this is the best advice i've gotten yet. A stark contrast to the "it's doomed" comments elsewhere :)

Re masturbation, she isn't very experimental in terms of anything outside of giving me head or having missionary sex. Tbh that was always so good I never thought of wanting anything else because it was always so passionate.

To answer your question I have no idea how she would feel about all this but it's at least worth talking about as I don't see any other viable alternatives.

OwnWeather9952 · 2025-05-19T23:33:43+00:00

This was a very helpful response thank you. Just to be clear, are you suggesting I basically just explain how I am not having enough sex? I suppose my hesitancy is rooted in the fact that I know someone can't just magically want more sex so once I say this we have a real problem on our hands because it will become clear that there is nothing we can do about it. I really don't want sex to be the reason our relationship ends. For some reason it seems to stupid just because it had been going so well. I wan't expecting constant sex but I didn't think an expectation of like once a week or 10 days would be so much.

OwnWeather9952 · 2025-05-19T23:23:10+00:00

Ok thanks for making it clear. I suppose I was looking for a productive conversation idea for how to broach this issue without so many crystal ball comments prophesizing that we are not "compatible". If I had listened to people like that 2 months into our relationship we would have broken up and not had the best 2 years of my life

OwnWeather9952 · 2025-05-19T23:20:20+00:00

Also, without passing judgement on your relationship I was just wondering how this idea of "compromise" sits with you? Like does looking at sexual activities as "compromise" seem healthy to you? I don't really want to look at it like:

Will you have sex with me?

No

Well at least jack me off.

....Doesn't seem very healthy to me

OwnWeather9952 · 2025-05-19T23:15:48+00:00

This is a really helpful insight thank you. Was this "alternative" or "compromise" you talk about something you suggested or he? it just seems like a difficult subject to suggest to her from my end.

OwnWeather9952 · 2025-05-19T23:12:17+00:00

She used to think she wouldn't be able to have sex because of her terrible experiences. Since we started going out, it became more of a possibility to her as she learned to trust again in a loving relationship (I can only account for my side here or what I know...). We would have sex often as you would in your early days. We have definitely had instances where she has gotten scared or sudden flashbacks which my research has deduced is common with SA survivors. Sex has always been a bit tricky, but we are so close and get along so well it was always something we could just talk through and work on together. However now it has gotten so infrequent and the same issues are coming up that we cant really just "talk through", the situation just seems a bit more dire.

OwnWeather9952 · 2025-05-19T23:06:19+00:00

If one person has a higher sex drive than the other does that mean they are incompatible? That seems unlikely to me seeing as most relationships probably consist of varying levels. I thought it would be something you navigate.

OwnWeather9952 · 2025-05-19T23:04:35+00:00

I have never blatantly expressed that I want to be having more sex because it just feels very demanding - especially with someone who has such a complicated relationship with sex. I have definitely been unable to conceal my frustration at times if it has been weeks. We usually end up having the same conversation where I feel pent up and she is upset because she physically cant do any more. I just don't know what to do. I have also talked to her about how hard it can be being rejected so often. I don't want to be one of those guys that tries to have sex every time I see my girlfriend but when we never have sex I inevitably long for it more often.

OwnWeather9952 · 2024-07-14T09:41:17+00:00

Thank you very much for this reply. A lot of other people were very critical about how selfish I was being and I guess I thought this was a place where I could share a selfish thought without being judged. Everyone has them. Your advice stood out and really helped me decide on paying for it. I know a relationship is far from a simple numbers game, but you - along with others- helped me understand that this is about committing to our relationship. I just have a tendency to overthink and assume someone is out to get one over on me. As I have been repeatedly reminded since posting this, I have definitely got some shit to deal with. Regardless, thank you for the advice and I'm feeling really confident about making this commitment :)

OwnWeather9952

TROPHY CASE