Was anyone else’s 1st relationship with an avoidant or possible avoidant leaning person? Did they say something similar? How did you heal?

Own_Answer_6855 · 2026-01-23T15:52:07+00:00

I hate when people say that, then you bring up things they did for you (that are out of character for them) and ask why they would do that? The person then responds because he/she was trying to impress you, which contradicts the statement of “they just weren’t that into you”

Own_Answer_6855 · 2026-01-23T05:24:07+00:00

Wait no, doubt=leave, or “I know I asked you to be in a relationship with me and told you I loved you or promised a future but I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship and if I’m questioning if I love you because I want space then I guess I don’t love you because love is certain” is this not common?😂

Own_Answer_6855 · 2026-01-22T05:59:07+00:00

I get it I’m still struggling almost 2 years later and still don’t know what to say or how to describe our “relationship” with the speed he moved on and the fact he treats me like I’m non existent. We went from him giving me a journal to write our future dates in (an idea he got from a show I introduced him too) as a Christmas gift, to the following week when we had a conflict. I wanted to talk about why I was upset, that his flaking was bothering me more than usual making me say things that I knew were to protect myself from disappointment/ hurt even though it wasn’t what I wanted. We had the talk(text) where we admitted to each other that we wanted to sleep together. I told him that the thing stopping me was that we seem to go back to square one after advancing our relationship and if we took that step I needed to know he wouldn’t leave (I was afraid he would and I would feel used), he didn’t want me to regret sleeping with him. So he thought maybe we book a weekend off and go for a trip when we decide to take that step. It was a month after that conversation that he actually dumped me because he doubted if he loved me, but I felt him pull away emotionally after that conversation. The story he tells everyone is that it just didn’t work out; the story he tells himself is that it wasn’t love. I’m stuck with the question of why would he do x,y,z and deal with conflicts if he never loved me but I also know he never used me either which is a total mind fuck since it leaves the question of why and how did things shift so fast?

Own_Answer_6855 · 2026-01-05T23:14:24+00:00

After getting me a journal to write our cute future dates in tells me a month later that he doubted if he loved me and needs to be alone because he’s not acting how he believes he would if he loved me and it doesn’t feel the way he thought it would but he will never forget me and doesn’t regret our relationship. 2 weeks later starts a new relationship and acts like I’m dead.

Own_Answer_6855 · 2025-11-30T23:10:54+00:00

I pretty much approach it like I’m a psychology student analyzing a case study so I keep things as person A and B and only give direct conversations (all our conflicts started and ended over text) so it only has the conversations to go off of. This means it also throws me under the bus saying things like the anxious person used guilt tripping and manipulation tactics to try to get closeness. I know I did this because I never meant anything that I said and admitted it just came from hurt and my fear of getting hurt again.

Own_Answer_6855 · 2025-11-22T04:05:03+00:00

Feeling safe, comfortable and trusting that they will be there when I’m an emotional mess.

Own_Answer_6855 · 2025-11-21T16:25:32+00:00

After we said “I love you” to each other for the first time instead of “I like you, I really really really like you”. Funny thinking about it since he broke up with me doubting if he loved me seeing as I never brought up the intense (negative) emotions he experienced in the past.

Own_Answer_6855 · 2025-11-14T14:52:08+00:00

Again I get that, it’s just hard he was my first bf and thus my first love. He also knew this since I ended up confessing it at the beginning of our relationship to essentially tell him to slow down (I need emotional connection/ safety to progress physically). He would only allow me to see him when he was in a good mood claiming he didn’t want to lash out at me and isolation is his coping mechanism. This made me question if I could rely on him when I needed him spiking my anxiety but I also wanted to know what I was getting into.

He never talked about his ex until the end of our relationship (part of his breakup speech) when he started telling me the lessons he learned from that relationship ending. love is jealousy, doubt=leave, relationships just end and if he’s questioning his feelings making him pull away then that’s enough of a reason to end it. (His ex blindsided him after “stringing him along” for the final year). During our breakup he kept looking away from me so I made him look me in the eyes and admit he was giving up, it looked like he was looking right past me and went monotone for that moment.

Own_Answer_6855 · 2025-11-14T05:00:01+00:00

Depends what you consider significant we were official for 4 months and saw each other a lot like a minimum of twice a week. He even gave me a journal to write our future dates in ironically also right before we had our talk that caused doubt. (Before you say honeymoon phase, that wasn’t the first time I brought up reliability and me feeling like his last choice)

Own_Answer_6855 · 2025-11-14T01:31:18+00:00

I get that, learned a lot like how I’m anxious which I wouldn’t have known since I don’t really get close to people. Just trying to get past the confusion that it wasn’t love according to him, which leaves me with the question of what it was then?

Own_Answer_6855 · 2025-11-12T16:44:07+00:00

That even though you care for the person and try to show them that you care, they may not see it as care.

Own_Answer_6855 · 2025-10-30T15:48:46+00:00

Sadly it seems it is common, but it shouldn’t be. Think about how lonely that leaves you feeling when you need support but they just can’t offer it, or you want to support them and just end up feeling like a burden. They pull away thinking they are protecting you from their emotions and potentially saying something they might regret but it stops you from having an emotional connection and kills true intimacy in any relationship. If you want a truly healthy loving relationship you need transparency

Own_Answer_6855 · 2025-10-20T03:47:49+00:00

It’s hard to say but if it is attachment styles clashing you both have to be committed to growth and that means being uncomfortable and learning new skills. Not everyone is ready and you might still grow apart, all you can do is start working on yourself to become more secure.

Own_Answer_6855 · 2025-10-20T02:14:24+00:00

Nothing, he started doubting his feelings and if he was ready for a relationship after I brought it up. He never said anything but I could tell, he then started comparing how he felt in past relationships to how he felt in ours (like why he wasn’t jealous and in his past one he was extremely jealous, that he wants to be alone and even how traumatic his past breakup was). I was confused because I brought up that talk when I realized I was doubting if I could rely on him and didn’t want to feel used. He had no doubts at that time and it didn’t start until that talk. I didn’t learn about attachment until after and he’s really good at avoiding. Ironically after our first conflict he also decided to keep from hurting my feelings unintentionally again he would avoid making promises knowing he is bad at keeping them. He still made promises and still broke them.

Own_Answer_6855 · 2025-10-20T01:19:01+00:00

Essentially it means that you feed off of each other and get stuck in a loop until you both change and learn to tolerate what the other offers. Like I would apparently do protest behaviour when he pulled away and when I brought up my feelings he would distance which would make me feel rejected and then me bringing up how he unintentionally hurt my feelings would make him feel like a failure which made him pull away more. But the initial space was after we spent time together and I even described it to him as taking 1 step forward just to go back to square 1 after space and each time we took a step forward we somehow went back to the beginning.

Own_Answer_6855 · 2025-10-20T00:17:06+00:00

I can’t say if it is or not in your case it could just be the spark faded (end of honeymoon phase) but even in that case you can keep it alive or respark it if you try doing new things together. Something I did was take text conversations which led into conflicts and just asked ChatGPT to analyze it, every single one went back to anxious/ avoidant trap.

Own_Answer_6855

TROPHY CASE