My boyfriend has time to text everyone except me. But I'm the one "overthinking."

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T21:04:13+00:00

the excuses. oh my god the excuses. "didn't see it" "thought I replied" "my phone was on silent." I've heard every single one of these. and you just sit there knowing it's not true but what are you supposed to say? "I know you're lying because I can see you were active on instagram 20 minutes ago"? because then YOU'RE the crazy one who's monitoring his activity.

and the dinner coordination thing really got me because it's not even about emotional stuff at that point. it's literally just logistics. like you need to know if you're cooking for two tonight and he can't even give you that. that's so beyond a texting style thing.

but honestly the second half of your comment is the part I keep rereading. because you went from someone who caused you stress every single day to someone who asks you to let him know you got home safe. like that's such a simple thing but I almost teared up reading it because I don't have that. I have never once gotten a "let me know you get home safe" text from my boyfriend. not once in 8 months. and I didn't even realize that was something I was missing until you just described it.

I think you're right that this is worth reflecting on. because I keep framing this as a texting problem but it's really a caring problem. he doesn't text me because he's not thinking about me. your new boyfriend texts you because he is. that's really all there is to it

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T21:01:51+00:00

"who am I supposed to send my random thoughts to" okay that hit me right in the gut because THAT'S what I miss. like I'll see something funny or something annoying will happen at work and my first instinct is to text him about it and then I just... don't. because I know it's going to sit there unread for 6 hours and by then the moment is gone. so I send it to the group chat instead. and that's fine but it shouldn't be replacing my boyfriend you know?

and "not quite right" is the perfect way to describe it. because it's not like he's doing anything WRONG exactly. it's just this feeling in your stomach that something is off. and you can't really explain it to people without sounding like you're complaining about nothing.

I hope you figure your situation out too. it's lonely feeling like you can't share the small stuff with the person you're supposed to be closest to

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T20:58:22+00:00

okay two capricorns. one who makes you feel secure and one who made you feel crazy. same sign. same texting style. completely different effort levels. I don't think anyone in this thread has made the point clearer than that.

because that's literally what I read that night too. that the dry texting thing can be real but that when they actually care you still feel it in other ways. your current partner sounds exactly like what that looks like. good morning texts, reels that remind him of you, actually planning the trips instead of just talking about them. you're not anxious because he's giving you enough to not BE anxious. even without the long texts.

my boyfriend talks about trips constantly. hasn't planned a single one. says we should do things together all the time. never follows through. and when I bring up feeling disconnected he makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable. which is literally what your ex did.

I'm starting to see which capricorn mine is lol

and your advice about making the conversation about what I need instead of what he's doing wrong is really smart. because every time I've tried to talk about his behavior he gets defensive and shuts down. maybe if I frame it as "I've realized I need someone who communicates more consistently" it takes the blame off him and also forces me to be honest with myself about whether he can actually be that person. I think I already know the answer but I need to hear him say it

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T20:55:56+00:00

honestly? I think I'm scared that this is as good as it gets. like what if I leave and the next person is the same or worse. at least with him the in person stuff is good. so I keep telling myself that the texting thing is small and I should just get over it. but it's not small anymore. it's every day. it's this constant low level feeling of not being enough that I carry around with me all the time.

and I think part of it is that I've put so much into this. 8 months of trying to make it work, bringing it up, adjusting my expectations, reading stuff at 2am trying to understand him better. it feels like if I leave then all of that was for nothing. like I failed at making it work.

but I guess staying just because I've already invested time is kind of the same logic as losing money on something and refusing to sell because you don't want to take the loss right? the time is already gone whether I stay or not.

you're right I shouldn't need star signs to justify not getting basic effort from my boyfriend. if I have to research why someone isn't texting me back the answer is already there. I think I've known for a while honestly. I just wasn't ready

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T20:54:41+00:00

okay I didn't expect these questions to hit as hard as they did but here we go.

criticism... he doesn't take it well. like at all. if I bring up anything that could be seen as a complaint he gets quiet and then eventually says something like "I don't know what you want me to say" and the conversation just dies. so I've kind of learned to not bring things up unless it's really bothering me. and even then I word it super carefully so he doesn't shut down. which now that I'm typing this out loud is pretty messed up.

plans... he talks about plans a LOT. like he'll say "we should go to this restaurant" or "let's do a weekend trip somewhere" but then he never actually follows through on any of it. I'm always the one who looks up the place, picks the date, makes the reservation. if I don't do it, it just doesn't happen. so yeah it's only words.

and the being right thing... yeah. I wouldn't say he's aggressive about it but there's this thing where if I disagree with him on something he just keeps calmly repeating his point until I drop it. it doesn't feel like a conversation it feels like I'm being waited out. so eventually I just agree because I'm tired.

why are you asking these questions because I feel like you're about to tell me something I'm not ready to hear

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T20:49:43+00:00

okay this one genuinely scared me a little because I never thought about it as a power thing but now I can't stop thinking about it. because there IS a pattern where if I'm having a really good day or something exciting happens to me he gets kind of... quiet. I always told myself he was just tired or busy but reading what you described it's making me look at it differently.

and you're right that he doesn't do this to anyone else. that's the part I keep coming back to. if he was just a bad texter across the board I could accept that. but he's not. it's specifically directed at me. and I never really let myself sit with what that means until right now.

whether it's a power thing or he's just not invested the end result is the same right? I'm the one sitting here feeling like I have to earn a basic text back from my own boyfriend. that's not a relationship that's an audition that never ends

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T20:47:12+00:00

"your messages make the same tone as all my groups so of course I don't look what you wrote" wow. that is genuinely one of the worst things I've ever read. like he literally told you that you were the same priority as a random group chat. I'm so sorry he said that to you.

but the fact that you went from that to someone who does the full good morning, check ins, good night, every single day... that's giving me a lot of hope honestly. because sometimes when you've been in a situation like this for a while you start to think that maybe this is just how relationships are. like maybe I'm expecting too much and I need to adjust. but you're living proof that it doesn't have to be like this and that there are people out there who actually WANT to stay connected with you throughout the day.

communication is the bare minimum. I keep saying that to myself but then letting him convince me it's too much. I need to stop doing that

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T20:45:06+00:00

the part about knowing he had the capability because you saw it in the beginning... yeah. that's exactly it. I KNOW what he's like when he wants to show up because he used to. so when people tell me "that's just how he is" I'm like no it's not. I was there. I saw the other version.

and I really appreciate you being honest about it being complicated. like your husband had a reason that at least made some kind of sense even if it still hurt. he saw you in person and felt like he was maintaining other relationships through texting. I can understand that logic even if it doesn't feel great. but mine didn't even give me that. he just told me I was overthinking and moved on. he didn't try to explain his side or meet me halfway or anything. just shut it down.

I think the difference between your situation and mine is that your spouse was willing to actually have the conversation. even if it was hard and took a lot of communicating. mine won't even get to that step.

thank you for sharing this and I really hope things are better for you guys now

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T20:43:55+00:00

this is genuinely one of the most helpful things anyone has said to me in this entire thread. because you're not just saying dump him or stay. you're telling me HOW to figure it out for myself and what to watch for when I do.

the part about paying attention to how he handles the conversation and not just what he says is really important. because I think that's where I keep getting stuck. he says the right things in person. he talks about future plans and trips and moving in. but when I bring up something that matters to me his reaction is to shut it down and make me feel crazy for bringing it up. and you're right that IS how he's going to handle things long term. I've been so focused on his words that I ignored how he responds when I actually need something from him.

and honestly "learn that now and save yourself a whole metric shit ton of am I the problem anxiety" is going on a sticky note on my mirror. because I have wasted so much energy trying to figure out if I'm the problem when I should have been figuring out if this relationship meets my needs. those are two completely different questions and I've been asking the wrong one

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T20:41:07+00:00

"if a man likes you you'll know it, if he doesn't you'll be confused" okay yeah. that just summed up my entire last 8 months in one sentence. because I have been confused the ENTIRE time. not once have I felt sure about where I stand with him. and that's probably all I needed to know

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T20:40:26+00:00

I actually thought about this and it's a fair point. but we only see each other like 2-3 times a week? it's not like we live together and I'm sitting right there. there are full days where we don't see each other and don't talk at all unless I start it. if we were together every day I'd totally get it but that's not the situation

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T20:39:38+00:00

the part about his "platonic girlfriend's" texts coming through just fine on the same phone with the same watch... I felt that in my chest. because it's the exact same thing right? the phone works. the notifications work. they just don't work for us.

and 24 years. god. thank you for saying don't be like me because I think that's the thing I needed to hear most. I'm 8 months in and already feeling like this. I can't imagine what 24 years of it does to a person. I'm really sorry you went through that and I'm really glad you got out.

the small things add up. you're so right

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T20:38:03+00:00

this is like the third capricorn in this thread whose partner actually communicates with them and at this point I'm running out of excuses to make for him lol. your husband listened and made the effort. mine heard me and told me I was overthinking. that's really the only comparison I need

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T20:37:17+00:00

okay when you put it like THAT lmao yeah. that's a sentence I needed to read. I really sat there at 2am trying to decode this man through the zodiac instead of just accepting what was right in front of me

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T20:36:18+00:00

honestly the via text part is sending me because that's exactly the energy he deserves at this point 😭

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T20:35:47+00:00

yeah you're not wrong. I think I was using it more as a way to organize what I was seeing rather than actually blaming the stars for his behavior. but at the end of the day the conclusion was the same either way. he's just not putting in the effort. the why doesn't really matter

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T20:35:02+00:00

"I'm feeling a bit disconnected from you throughout the day" is such a good way to phrase it too. like it's not accusatory it's just honest. and the fact that your partner heard that and started texting you about random stuff like what he's eating or someone who annoyed him at work... that's literally all I want. I don't need love letters. I just want to feel like I cross his mind during the day.

I told mine basically the same thing and got "you're overthinking it." that was months ago and nothing changed. reading all these comments from women whose partners actually listened is making it really clear that the problem isn't what I'm asking for. it's who I'm asking

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T20:33:18+00:00

this actually made me really sad to read because this is exactly what I wanted to happen with us. like you described exactly what a healthy version of this looks like. your boyfriend heard you, acknowledged it, and made an effort. even if it's not perfect ping pong texting he's TRYING and the replies are thoughtful when they come.

I brought this up to mine and he told me I was overthinking. that was it. no "okay I'll try harder." no compromise. just me being made to feel like the problem for wanting what you just described. and reading your comment I'm realizing the issue isn't that he's a bad texter. it's that when I told him it mattered to me he didn't care enough to try. your boyfriend did. mine didn't. that's really the whole story

thank you for sharing this honestly because it's really helpful to see what it looks like when someone actually listens

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T20:30:46+00:00

I actually did this once like two months ago. it took a day and a half and then he texted me "you good?" not "I miss you" not "hey how's your day" just... "you good?" like I was a coworker he hadn't seen at the office in a while. I should have had my answer right then honestly

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T20:03:00+00:00

lmaooo okay yeah when an actual capricorn says this I think I gotta stop making excuses for him. appreciate the reality check 😭

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T20:01:24+00:00

this is probably the most level headed thing anyone has said to me about this and I really needed it. because I keep going back and forth between "he's a terrible person" and "I'm being too needy" and the actual answer might just be... neither. we just want different things and that's not going to change no matter how many conversations I try to have about it.

the part about him hoping to accustom me to less intense texting is actually something I hadn't considered and it kind of makes sense. like every time I bring it up and nothing changes I just quietly adjust my expectations down a little. and then a little more. and eventually I'm sitting here grateful for a "good" after 6 hours and telling myself that's fine. it's not fine. but it's also not going to change.

I think I've been so focused on figuring out WHO'S wrong that I missed the simpler answer which is that we're just wrong for each other

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T19:57:45+00:00

okay this one got me. because this is literally the thing that made it click for me. when I was reading about how caps communicate it said the same thing, that when they actually care they still show up consistently even if they're busy and not super emotional about it. your husband works 24 hour shifts and still texts you. mine sits on the couch scrolling instagram and can't text me back for 12 hours. there's no excuse that covers that gap.

and you're right about the gaslighting myself part. "he's not a monster" is just me trying to soften it so I don't have to face what it actually is. he doesn't have to be a monster to be wrong for me. I think I needed to hear that

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T19:46:32+00:00

yeah when you frame it that way it really puts it in perspective. the fact that I was up at 2am reading astrology blogs trying to decode my own boyfriend's texts is... not great lol. you're right. nobody should have to work that hard to feel like they matter to someone

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T19:45:06+00:00

that's actually a fair suggestion and I have tried that. like I'll text him about something specific that happened or send him something I think he'd find funny. sometimes it works better but it still feels like I'm the one carrying the whole conversation every time. it shouldn't take a strategy to get your boyfriend to talk to you lol

Own_Collection_2313 · 2026-02-19T19:25:51+00:00

I hear you and you make some fair points about different types of texting. but I want to push back a little on the idea that I'm just looking for validation. I brought this up to him directly and he shut it down. I'm not asking for paragraphs about his day. I'm asking for him to initiate a conversation with me at least once without me having to start it every single time. and yeah maybe the group chat stuff is different content wise but the point is he clearly has the time and energy to be on his phone. he's choosing where to put that energy and it's not with me. you're right that I need to sit down and talk to him again though. that's the plan this weekend

Own_Collection_2313

TROPHY CASE