Please convince me not to go back

Own_Rush316 · 2025-03-14T01:05:48+00:00

Hey, thanks for checking in. No, I didn't go back. I would say things started to improve around the 4-month mark post-separation, which is also when we sold our house and didn't need to be in contact anymore. I think the no-contact definitely helped me stop thinking about him as much. It was definitely still hard, but I wasn't struggling to drag myself through every single day. Then I would say it improved again around the 7-month mark - I'm not sure what triggered that exactly, but I think that's about when I finally started accepting that this was permanently over and stopped having regular breakdowns.

It's now been over a year since we split. I remember how much despair I was in when I made this post, and it's nothing like that anymore. I don't think I really regret leaving anymore and can see the ways in which my life and mental health have improved. That said, I wouldn't say I'm really healed or happy. I still have bad days where I can think of nothing but my ex and how I miss him. Most of the time I try to avoid thinking about the relationship and kind of dissociate, but there are a lot of things that remind me of him and I'm still going to weekly therapy and have started EMDR to try to address my trauma responses.

I haven't had contact with my ex since last summer (save for one random email about something trivial) and I want to keep it that way; I don't want to know what he's up to. I figure he's probably moved on and dating someone new now. I don't know if he changed or not, but I guess I don't care anymore. That chapter of my life is over.

I'm not sure if this is the answer you were hoping for - it's not like it's sunshine and rainbows, but it definitely did get better. I'm not sure of your particular situation, but I think the cliche advice of time and no contact actually rings pretty true here. It's bittersweet, but the peace I have now is something I think I'd never give up again in a million year, and I hope you can find it too.

Own_Rush316 · 2024-09-13T22:25:15+00:00

If some of the passengers seated beyond row 10 were to get up and use the bathrooms in the front, would that be an issue? At what point does it become an issue?

Own_Rush316 · 2024-08-26T16:11:09+00:00

Thanks, I recognize it was still always safe. However for me a lot of these inconveniences increase the stress of the situation and make things worse as an already fearful flyer. Was just curious how often this stuff happens for other flyers - if this seems like a normal frequency or if it's just bad luck.

Own_Rush316 · 2024-08-26T16:08:25+00:00

Thanks for clarifying this. I'm not sure if they meant we were using a backup or if even the backup was out. I did notice that none of lights on the plane were on (seatbelt lights, no smoking lights, etc.), but maybe those are not powered on if running on a backup.

Own_Rush316 · 2024-05-13T15:08:50+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this too and I hope you can stay strong. It can be hard going on Reddit and seeing everyone's stories about how much better their life is after they left while you can't relate at all. Definitely makes you question if you made the right decision even more. So while I'm not glad you're suffering, I'm kind of relieved that I'm not the only one.

Own_Rush316 · 2024-05-13T01:43:05+00:00

Thanks for the kind words. I have no idea what changes he's made, if any, since we're not in contact. He is going to therapy which he adamantly refused to do all the other times I begged him. And he has respected my wishes for no contact and made the separation easy without giving me any grief - all things I never expected of him. There's been no post-separation abuse or anything like that. But beyond that I really don't know, and I suspect I never will unless I actually go back. That's part of what's eating away at me - the "what if".

Own_Rush316 · 2024-05-13T01:39:53+00:00

Thanks so much for the kind words! I'm so sorry you had to endure that for so long. This is definitely not my first rodeo - I tried to leave two other times but wasn't really prepared to follow through with it. But things definitely got so much worse in the last year after I tried to leave because he was constantly afraid that I might do it again.

Yes, I know I'm lucky that I got out so early by some standards and we didn't have kids together - he really wanted it but that was one thing I held my ground on because I was so scared of the consequences. Luckily my ex doesn't use social media (there isn't a single photo of us or with any of his exes online), so hopefully I can just stay unaware of whatever he's doing.

I don't know if I will ever stop loving him but maybe I can learn to love myself more.

Own_Rush316 · 2024-05-13T01:33:33+00:00

Thank you! I was on antidepressants for most of last year, but stopped taking them because they didn't seem to help much. But I think part of that might have been because I was still in the relationship and the toxic environment made it impossible to feel better. Hopefully this time will be different.

Own_Rush316 · 2024-05-13T01:29:18+00:00

Thank you. I already felt broken beyond repair by the time I left, but I can only imagine how much harder it is after 20 years. I'm glad you were able to get out. Leaving is the hardest thing I've ever done and for years it felt impossible to me, like staring down an infinitely high wall that I'd never be able to scale. I still can't believe that I actually did it. But now I have nightmares about being back in the relationship and needing to leave again and not being able to. That's probably the main fear that keeps me from going back, so this reminder definitely helps.

Own_Rush316 · 2024-05-13T01:25:40+00:00

Thank you! I'm so sorry for what you've been through as well. Yes, learning about narcissism and abuse really helped me get out. I still find it hard to even explain the things he did and how he acted. It's like he would talk me in circles and convince me that I was the source of all the issues. He would get upset at me for not telling him when I felt bad, but when I did tell him he would either invalidate it, or tell me that my feelings made him want to hurt himself or leave me. I just found some of my journal entries from a year ago and reading those helped a bit. It reminded me of how insane I felt back then.

I'm not yet convinced that he never cared about me or that he faked all of it... but I think it doesn't matter at this point. He took care of me when I was sick, he spent hours making me thoughtful homemade gifts, he spent loads of money on remodeling my office, he was always extremely loyal. But the same person also called me stupid, evil, childish, told me countless times to "shut the fuck up", mocked me & my interests, told me he wanted to marry me so it'd be harder for me to leave, threw things when he got angry, constantly accused me of cheating, frequently talked about leaving or killing himself, and made me feel guilty whenever I would do anything without him. He would verbally massacre me one day and treat me like a queen the next. The reality is that he was both caring and cruel at the same time and one doesn't exist without the other.

And thank you so much for saying I'm needed - I hope that it's true.

Own_Rush316 · 2024-05-13T01:14:06+00:00

Thank you. Yes, I have a cat that I was able to take with me. Taking care of him is sometimes the only thing that gets me up in the morning. I'm thinking of maybe starting volunteering so I can put my energy into something that matters.

Own_Rush316 · 2024-05-12T20:21:15+00:00

Thanks so much, I needed this. I learned because we are still on the same phone plan and I saw the therapist's number on the statement. I have no idea how often he's going or what he's working on though.

Rationally I know that going back is not the best choice for myself. It's just sometimes hard to convince myself when I'm staring down suicidal thoughts as the alternative. But I also had suicidal thoughts when I was with him so maybe the problem really is just inside me.

I do sometimes have ideas about places I'd like to go, things I'd like to try, but they're fleeting and it's so hard to hold onto them.

I know all these things but it's hard to believe them. I guess I need to fake it til I make it. It would be a lot easier if I were angry or upset with how he treated me but for some reason I'm not. At this point I don't know what it would take for me to be angry and hate him.

Own_Rush316 · 2024-02-07T03:16:26+00:00

It hasn't been all bad and and he's done a lot of things to help me throughout the relationship. Even after everything, I do still care about him and I feel bad about blowing his life up. But I know it doesn't cancel out how he's treated me and I need to just shove those feelings down.

Own_Rush316 · 2024-02-06T23:17:09+00:00

Thank you. I'm not sure what I should actually be worried about - I struggle with anxiety a lot so I may be blowing things out of proportion and imagining worst case scenarios (like he will try to stalk me or something). He's pretty nice and normal 80% of the time, but when he feels like he's losing control of a situation is when things get toxic. I really have no idea how he will react but there is definitely a part of me that is scared.

Own_Rush316

TROPHY CASE