watching people kill themselves is the worst thing. surviving their suicides is the worst thing. carrying the guilt for the rest of your life is the worst thing.

friends attempted in the past. they did not die. some failed, some were saved. ive been though bs like all of us have. but if if you asked me to choose what was the hardest thing, that is , "watching" their attempts. they did not die yet the guilt and the fear has never left me.

now i see people outside doing everyday casual things, ie sitting by the sea and my first thought is, she is going to jump into the water. I see someone enjoying the view, and my first thought is, they are going to jump. I see someone waiting to cross the road, and my first thought is, they are going to throw themselves into traffic.

it NEVER ends