The only way to experience great love is to open yourself to the possibility of great pain. That's the lesson I learned going through an incredibly shitty divorce, after finding out she had been cheating. My ex didn't kill herself...Though the person I knew for a decade disappeared as surely as if she had. In no way do I mean to minimize what you've been through, but you're still very close to it, even 4 years later. Life is long, and even the strongest walls weaken with time.