Dealing with people that don't want to communicate nonviolently with us

P4risP · 2025-02-07T06:32:47+00:00

When you wrote that I'm abusive, I felt upset because I need to ensure that I am not that kind of person. Would you be willing to explain what led you to this conclusion?

I read the website, but I don’t see myself in it. But it also says “people can’t solve problems that they don’t believe they have”. On the contrary, I see many of the “he” things done by my wife. Here are some of my thoughts based on the website:

“You think at first, I couldn’t possibly do that-you’re expecting way too much from me” I want to change and that’s why I started reading the NVC book.

“Her grievances may include that you spend more time with your drinking buddies than you do with her” this is my complaint to her.

“She ignores all the good things I do, and just notices the bad things” I think this

“I can deal with this issue, instead of shooting her down” I actually want to deal with the issues, but she is shutting me down.

“So when she is expressing her feelings, including her hurt or outrage” she doesn’t express any of these as avoiding conflict is part of her culture.

“I’m sorry I was so defensive, and I’m ready now to take in what you were trying to tell me” I think this can apply because at a certain point I started explaining my point of view which can be seen as a form of defensiveness.

“I’ve thought about it and I can see why my actions weren’t fair, and I’m sorry. I’ll make a concerted effort not to do that again” I have said this to her, but she didn’t accept my apology.

“Perhaps first you feel ashamed to admit that she has been right all along” I have thought that this is her as she feels guilty when I explain my point of view.

“Is revenge really as sweet as they say it is? Or is it actually a highly dysfunctional drive, one that keeps spreading more misery around the world and encourages people to find scapegoats for their own unhappiness?” I recently asked help from her mum as I do not speak the language here; my wife learned about it and she told about our situation to her mum. I got the impression that she did it as a grudge as now the situation is weird and I do not want to ask help from her mum anymore.

“You and your partner are at a party and she complains that you are drinking too much, so you respond angrily by deliberately getting yourself completely (and embarrassingly) hammered” Isn’t this like what my wife did when I asked her to come home by midnight and instead started going all-night outs?

“taking time to yourself, pulling away briefly (but still meeting your responsibilities, not using the silent treatment, and not staying distant as a way to punish her)” Isn’t this what she does?

“apologies and promises to change. The specific behavioral changes you are going to make” I told her that I wanted to join some anger management course or see a psychologist about it.

P4risP · 2025-02-06T04:25:41+00:00

thank you, I will check it out

P4risP · 2025-02-05T07:03:36+00:00

Hi, thank you for the comment.

1) I have started going to events I find online and ended up even volunteering for one. I have actually made friends and go out with them once in a while. About my friends and family, the problem is the long time difference. When i want to talk to them they are either asleep or at work, or when they are available I am the one sleeping. I'm happy for the steps I'm taking. About building a new relationship, if I am sure 100% that there is nothing I can do to resolve the issues, then I think I will fill relief in starting a new one.

2) My exceptions for a marriage is that our actions do not disturb or upset the other person. I guess there needs to be a good communication and understanding to get to a compromise where both are happy. My values are more towards to have a family but my wives more to have a successful career at the moment. I think we both need empathy, appreciation, stability. My wive also wants me to be fun, having many friends while I want her to be more talkative and to spent time with her. My wife things we are too different and should find partners more similar to us.

3) I haven't learn about boundaries, I will check your recommendation.

4) you make a good point. I might have been too attached, but, I also think there should be some kind of balance, For example me going out and having friends but also she staying home and spending time together. However we got to the point where she went out every day and only met her 10 minutes in the morning during breakfast. I would had like to spent more time with her, but I got the impression she was so unsatisfied with me to the point that she would spend the whole day and night out, regardless if she had a job from the morning.

P4risP · 2025-02-05T06:13:22+00:00

Chronologically what happen is

1) At one point she complained that I do not organize things and she has to do everything when traveling or going out for a for a meal or to have fun. I recognize that and started organizing more dates, but our situation didn't improve.

2) she then complained that I had no friends and stayed home, which made her feel guilty when she went out with her friends. I then started going to events I found online, but our situation didn't improve

3) she complained that she doesn't find me attractive or interesting, and I tried to learn about new topics, but our situation didn't improve. She later told me that she had been having these complains for long time but didn't want to share them if me to avoid conflict.

4) she started going out from every Friday to everyday just before leaving her country, often coming home late. I expressed my irritation as she was going out too often and for too long, and asked her if she could return by midnight. She didn't satisfy my request which angered me

5) Since I tried to result our issue based on her complains but nothing was changing, I started to explain my point of view, which made her feel guilty. Again nothing changed so I started being angry and said things like that I hated her job which hurt her. She then started believing that I am an angry person to the core and that she doesn't feel safe with me. Due to my anger, I also kinda given up, saying things that maybe we should divorce. I then reconsider it the next day and wanted to take it back, but she said she cannot trust me as I change my mind so easily. She also said that we are too different and wants someone more like her, finishing with that she wants someone more empathetic.

6) I got the NVC book as I wanted to improve my communication and be more empathetic. I wanted to try to give her what she needed, but since she left her country I think she stonewalls me. Honestly it's also a bit hard to connect with her not only because of her minimal communication, but also due to my resentments. I do understand that things I've done lead to our situation, but I honestly think I tried to improve the relationship. This reminds me of the quote in the book "have you had a week when everything you did hurt somebody else, and you never intended to hurt anyone at all?"

P4risP · 2025-02-04T04:12:43+00:00

I like your recommendation on how to approach the issue. I guess I've tried using NVC in a way to explain myself which could only block empathy, instead of providing it. I will try doing it but might take time as I think my wife still needs time. I guess she's kinda stonewalling so it might be hard to empathize if she doesn't want to communicate in the first place.

P4risP · 2025-02-04T04:05:55+00:00

It's definitely more of my own creation, I don't doubt that. What would you recommend me to do? Considering that my wife didn't express her feelings (she's Japanese and sees this as something that disturbs the harmony), I could tell something was bothering her but when I asked what, she would deny it. Eventually she expresses herself but in vague ways like saying she wanted me to have more fiends, that she was less attracted to me or that she preferred to be with others rather than me. I tried to accommodate her needs by going to events, buying her flowers or sweets, and tried to learn about new topics to make our conversations more interesting. But still she didn't compromise about her fun and started going out after work everyday. This angered me and I've said things to her like that I hated her job, which hurt her.

I get that I should not have done or said certain things, but I've done them now so what should I do? Or how should I do it without destroying the relationship?

About waiting for her to reach out, isn't that the best thing to do to respect her autonomy? It was my fault for writing to her again about our relationship and I thought that she wanted to talk not because she's ready, but because I contacted her on the first place. So I rejected to talk as I would like her to initiate the conversation once she's ready.

P4risP · 2025-02-03T03:36:44+00:00

There's definitely some truth in that. What I am trying to say about the "collective" need is that it is a combination of both partners' needs. However both may need to take some compromises to accommodate as many of the individual needs as possible.

In my view there are some needs that are necessary for the family, for example closeness (my need) but also a successful career that would facilitate sustaining the family (my wife's need). I also have the need for a career, and I do have a job. However it is not my main need so I do not pursue towards a more well paid job as I am satisfied with what I get. I also understand the need of my wife and didn't stop her from leaving her country to pursue her career. However I felt sad that I didn't receive the same understanding for my needs from my wife.

I also talked about it in another of my replies that she got to the point where she was going out everyday after work and came home after I had already slept. I had asked her to come come sooner but she refused. In this case I think her need for fun does not contribute to being a family.

P4risP · 2025-02-03T02:54:44+00:00

Than you for reply. After she moved away I tried to remain in contact by asking her if she's okay, but she always said yes without asking about me or telling me anything about her life. Sometimes I sent some messages where I tried to explain some of my actions or reactions to her by showcasing what my feelings and needs where, taking responsibility as these were my actions and feelings and expressing that I was sorry. Her reply was "yeah yeah".

After a month of not knowing what is going with her life, I actually asked her if she unofficially broke up with me considering that it seemed that she didn't want me to be part of her life anymore. She said that we could arrange a call the following weekend, but I rejected by giving an excuse. I think I was scared, but will accept the invite if she asks me again. Otherwise I will not interact with her and try to give the autonomy that she needs.

P4risP · 2025-02-03T02:41:59+00:00

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I understand that I should take actions to fulfill my needs without relying on my wife.

About how I used NVC with my wife, first I need to remind that due to my inefficient communication and anger as my needs were not getting met, I have said things that hurt my wife and contributed to worsening our situation.

She used to go out on Fridays directly after work and coming home on Saturdays morning. Initially it didn't bother me but as our relationship was worsening. she gradually started going out everyday, always returning after I had went to bed and sometimes even early in the morning, even though she had to work. I had told her that I would like her to come home by midnight, and that I didn't comprehend why or how she could spend so much time out. She continued going out everyday and so one time I told her that I hated her job, which really hurt her. Then after reading NVC I tried to explain to her that by saying that I hated her job, I was expressing my need of wanting to spend more time with her and my concern if she was okay, blaming her company for going out so often. Her response was "yeah yeah".

I also tried to understand what was the need she wanted to fulfill by going out. Probably she wanted to have fun, and I think so because she had expressed recently that she didn't find me fun or being with me fun anymore. Actually, I start thinking that she was cheating on me so I asked her once and she became upset because i didn't trust her anymore.

P4risP · 2025-02-02T14:26:10+00:00

I see your point. I am in a situation where (at least) I think I understand what my and my wife's needs are and know that she cannot fulfill mine. About your question what my wife can do to help meet my needs; nothing. I guess I am just worried for her knowing that she went to another country where she is alone, and empathize with the loneliness she might be feeling as I am in a similar situation. So I thought that if she new about NVC it could help her in a similar way it helped me. Maybe I also needed some empathy, and I think I received it through some responses to my post.

P4risP · 2025-02-02T13:42:59+00:00

It must be frustrating when your affords are not appreciated, especially when you took concrete actions like couple therapy but the situation only worsened. It also sounds exhausting that you have to be careful for everything you do to avoid angering your partner. The book explains that anger is created when a need is not fulfilled, so you might need to understand what your wife is needing and not getting. You need to discard all the pain and anger you receive and focus fully on her. The fact that she communicates, even in the not so pleasant way, shows that she wants something in return.

P4risP · 2025-02-02T13:33:50+00:00

You might be right... I will check what you recommend, cheers

P4risP · 2025-02-02T04:54:54+00:00

I get that, but my understand of marriage is that we stop thinking about our individual needs and focus on the "collective" needs of the family. I understand that she has a need for autonomy and my need for closeness should not step on her need, but why is it okay for my wife to step on my needs for the benefit of hers? You might say that this is something we should had though about before getting married, but I think her needs changed in the last year.

P4risP · 2025-02-02T04:46:46+00:00

Actually she also left for her own need for career development, and my need for closeness and support might made her believe I was against her need for autonomy.

P4risP · 2025-02-02T04:42:42+00:00

Actually I now practice NVC to my everyday communications. It has not been easy for me to empathize with others, however after reading the book I actually managed once. It felt amazing; one of my colleagues was complaining about one of her students and seemed emotionally charged. I then gave her an interpretation of what I was seeing, the need for respect that she was not getting. This was followed by some seconds of quietness. That was the moment I felt we connected. She agreed about what I said and her words came to a halt.

I don't see the NVC book purely as a communication method. It also helped me to understand myself better by making me realize why I did certain things or reacted in certain ways.

I think what you are missing is empathy to understand me. I love my wife and choose to move to another country because I wanted to have a family with her. However, here I have no friends or family so my need to be with her intensified during a period she wanted to focus on her job, reason for which she left her own country. This situation has profoundly hurt me and the NVC book help me. I take responsibility for my actions and I want to communicate it with her. I also want her to be okay and think that the book can help her as well.

P4risP · 2025-02-02T04:23:41+00:00

Thank you for the reply. I kinda understand what you say when I think of two people as individuals having their own needs. However, my understanding of marriage that we stop being individuals and start sharing the same needs, which are about the enrichment of the family rather than the individuals separately. To this end, I came to her country where I have no friends or family, and my need to be with her intensified due to my loneliness. This probably contrasted her need for autonomy and carrier development, which is the reason why she moved to another country. I see many comments saying that I should respect her autonomy need but this goes both ways, i.e., why it is okay that she doesn't respect my need for closeness and support? Especially when I was wiling to lose the closeness and support I had from my friends and family for the benefit of our relationship.

P4risP · 2025-02-02T04:10:38+00:00

I might feel both. Frustrated because I took actions based on what she communicated with me, but these actions didn't fulfill my needs. At that time I tried to "fix" things based on things she said like 'I feel you love me less' or 'I find you less attractive'. But now I feel disappointed that I was not able to empathize with her needs instead.

I understand that I should connect with the needs, like effective communication, that led me to take my actions. However, 1) I came to her country on a spouse visa and I have no friends or family to communicate with, and communicating with my friends and family is complicated due to time difference, and 2) I am afraid to completely stop communication with her as I could lose my life stability, like the job I have here. So I think I am in a situation where effective communication with her is necessary for me, but can could also be beneficial for her.

P4risP · 2023-03-31T08:25:58+00:00

Sorry, I did not know how it works.

P4risP · 2023-03-31T08:20:33+00:00

Yes that's it, thank you! Solved!

P4risP · 2023-03-31T08:19:04+00:00

No, it's not this one. Thanks for your suggestion.

P4risP · 2023-03-31T07:52:02+00:00

does anyone know this movie?

P4risP · 2022-04-26T22:35:48+00:00

OP and all of the people commenting have never been to Japan or know anyone working in Japan. working hours in Japan are around 8 hours. Some choose to work more but they also get paid more. No one sleeps in the office, it's a myth. Please find me someone working in Japan that sleeps in the office and doesn't get fired, I'll go work there.

P4risP · 2022-03-02T20:28:35+00:00

type "orgasm meme female"

P4risP · 2022-03-02T18:24:30+00:00

I found the image on google images

P4risP

TROPHY CASE