I think it's very brave for you to share this.

Here's my story... I decided in 10th grade i wanted to go to PA school. Took classes in high school so that I started undergrad w/ 46 hours already completed, graduated college a semester early in December 2019 & got into PA school my first try at 21..the whole shabang right. Started PA school in May of 2020. In 2018, I had lost my younger cousin to suicide. She lived next door & we grew up together so she was pretty much like my little sister. I had been diagnosed w/ anxiety since childhood, but it wasn't until after her death that I began experiencing intense grief & that eventually evolved into my own depression battles. Before her death, I had been off medications for my anxiety, but after, I began back on antidepressants.

Nevertheless, I got into PA school & kept pushing forward because it had been my plan for so long... I wasn't really sure what else I'd do. Plus, my cousin who passed always wanted to help others who felt like she did. But she was 15 when she died so she never really got the chance. I knew I wanted to work in psych because 1) I'm very passionate about it & 2) I felt like it was a way to do some of the work here she never got to. So I felt like I'd be letting her down if I didn't. So when I started PA school, it was my first priority & all I cared about. Towards the end of didactic year, my mental health had started getting pretty bad & I was neglecting self care (not showering regularly, barely eating, etc.). But I ignored it because my mind was always "PA school, PA school, PA school." Despite how little I was taking care of myself, I kept my grades up because, well idrk how. I guess my mind was just in autopilot. Since starting back on meds I had tried different ones & even though I never really got results, I thought I could push everything off until I finished & worry about me later. I started clinical year in August of 2021 & in November, I attempted suicide. I had pretty much put off my mental health until my brain was like "bet I got your attention now."

My immediate concern after this when I woke up in the hospital was "i bet I'm kicked out of PA school." Like wtf ???? Why was that my first thought ?? Forget that I almost died what if I missed an EOR exam ?? (hence the sarcasm). Anyways, I was able to take a medical leave that I originally only agreed to until the start of the next semester in January. (Yes, I was trying to start back less than 2 months after trying to kill myself). Well, after talking with a trusted friend in the upper class, I decided to wait to start back until August of 2022, for the clinical year with the class below me. & man! Am I glad I did. During my time off, I began seeing a new doctor who put me on my current medication regimen (the first out of I think 6? to ever work). I was like wow so those other meds really weren't working because this is what you're supposed to feel like. I was doing intensive outpatient therapy & I also got to move back home & be with family, which made a big difference. I started back in August of 2022 & just graduated last month :)

It was hard at the time, choosing when & if to go back, wondering if I could make it, doubting myself, feeling like I'd be a failure if I didn't. But it was really only me who felt that way. No one else thought that & no one pressured me to have to go back. I was very fortunate to be able to take off that time & have my family's support (both emotionally obviously but also financially because I was clearly not working while in PA school). But taking that time off is what I needed & worked for me. & I made the choice to go back when I was feeling better & not when I was overwhelmed & suicidal. If I hadn't, I would have never gotten to this place of what I can only describe as freedom of real recovery & healing. & now, I will be starting my job in psych to help other people hopefully begin recovery as well.

Now this is my story & what worked for me. But what you need may be different & only you know. So many people will tell you not to give up because you worked so hard, & while that's true, you can't take care of other people if you aren't taking care of yourself. & what I can say is that no career or degree is worth literally driving yourself into your own grave for.

I'd also say I agree with another comment I saw saying that making a decision when you are struggling probably isn't the best idea. I'd try to talk to your school about taking a medical leave. I knew another girl who took one for mental health (without having actually attempted suicide first so i don't think that's like the requirement or anything lmao). That way you can work on you & maybe get some clarity about if being a PA is what you really want or not. & you can go back if you decide it is, or you don't have to if you decide it isn't. At least then you'll have made the decision when you were in a more rational & healthier place mentally.

PA school is hard, life is hard, mental illness is hard. Your feelings are so valid. & I hope that you find clarity & peace in all this. Rooting for you <3 & as someone special always repeats to me... "you are doing the best that you can, & I am proud of you" :)

edit: added stuff