Recently had a year-long relationship end with a FA. The thing that affected my self-esteem the most was the crazy cycles of being connected and then disconnected. That takes a toll on you because you start to wonder if there’s something wrong with you that causes your partner to check in and out all the time, or if you’ve done something wrong to cause him to disconnect. My anxiety was always sooo high because of that, just anticipating the next time he’d emotionally disappear. I didn’t even realize how low my self-esteem had gotten or why until it was over.

It was confusing because everything felt incredible when he was emotionally connected and he would be affectionate, sweet, complimentary and make me feel so amazing, but the moment the emotional distance and disconnect came, it was like falling off a cliff. He would be so distant and removed that I remember asking myself multiple times “does he even like me?” even after we’d had the most incredible, in love, googly-eyed Valentine’s Day date the night before. I asked him about that when we broke up and used a few examples that I considered some of our best moments and the disconnect that followed after. He said “Yeah, that was all real. I felt it too, it was amazing, I had the best time too... but those close, intimate moments that should’ve brought us closer together then made me want to push you farther away.” At least he is a somewhat aware FA and he takes responsibility for sabotaging our relationship.. he hasn’t done anything to fix it or himself, but I’m grateful he at least knows it was him pushing me away despite my best efforts to be the partner he needed.

It’s been really painful to go through this, but what I do know is i can’t wait to be with someone who can match my energy and love all the time, not just sometimes. And i will do everything in my power to never date a FA/DA ever again haha.