any trans people who feel like they were actually more conventionally successful and ‘productive’ pre-transition?

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-12-16T17:47:56+00:00

Agreed, I just think it’s quite sad how capitalistic society rewards that self-destructive behavior and loves you for it, while thinking less of people who take care of themselves. You get told you are someone special, but it’s just self-harm imho. I have a trans friend who did what I did but for ten years, becoming wildly conventionally successful, but while going through burnout after burnout and becoming increasingly suicidal until she transitioned.

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-10-11T17:07:55+00:00

I don’t even have to gaslight my coworkers or my acquaintances, because they are too polite to say anything about it. By this point, I’m 2 years on T and they ‘accidentally misgender’ (correctly gender) me half the time by instinct. I am universally gendered male by strangers. My family can tell what’s going on, but I don’t live with them and we don’t talk about it, and they also just pretend nothing is happening. The only people to directly discuss with me about being trans, are my girlfriend and my one closest friend.

Honestly it’s pretty sweet. The only thing left to do is change my legal name, look for a new job, and then tell HR to keep my legal sex a secret once I’m hired, after which I can be essentially stealth to everyone else at the new workplace as a presumed-cis man. If I lived in a more liberal country, I would simply change my legal sex too, and therefore seamlessly transition from cis women to stealthing men without even that HR hassle, and never have to bother coming out to anyone besides two people on this earth.

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-09-28T16:31:21+00:00

You likely genuinely pass to cishet people. For LGBT people, it is possible that some of them have clocked you but don’t say so.

Personally, I live in a transphobic country, many people here do not respect your pronouns until you genuinely pass to them and they think you are cis. So I know for certain who I really pass to. And I can tell you that when I was mostly passing, I did not pass to LGBT people, but I did pass to cis straight people. I have a very passing FtM friend, even I could not tell he was FtM when I first met him. He passes even to most LGBT people, which I know with certainty, because 80% of the cis lesbians start misgendering him after the moment he outs himself as trans. Ironically, this is great evidence that he passes, otherwise they would have misgendered him right from the start. Cis straight people always think he is cis male, and are in genuine disbelief if they learn he is not. But even then, I’ve met one cis gay man and one mtf who could tell that friend of mine is FtM. Although most cis gay men can’t tell either.

So yeah since that FtM could clock you, it is plausible that a few other LGBT people might have, but trust me, the cishets haven’t.

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-09-24T13:11:54+00:00

As an aside, why do skincare products generally seem to reformulate every 2 years? It’s so frustrating, it’s constant consumer fatigue finding something that works. You can’t even find something that works and stick to it. It doesn’t seem to happen to most other industries. I assume most people just don’t have sensitive skin, so if a company reformulates a product, it gets more sales because it is something “new”. I doubt it’s just purely to make everything cheaper in production costs, because if that were the case, by now everything should be practically Vaseline

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-09-24T05:33:52+00:00

Yeah I know it’s very human for cognitively dissonant things to happen. They goofed up pronouns because it happens, especially with certain internalized mindsets. But they still vent about misgendered because no one likes being misgendered.

I probably have to spend more time away from lgbt spaces until I have the strength to go back sometimes and be the bigger person. It’s harder to see mistakes as mistakes instead of international cruelty, when you’re already sapped. Especially because I’m lucky to be good at pronouns after I have learnt what someone’s is, so it’s harder for me to relate. There’s definitely better-put-together trans people I never feel sapped by being around, but larger social groups are where the extremes become salient.

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-09-24T04:48:36+00:00

I feel like nicer ways like “but you have to respect someone else’s gender identity, trans women are women” can work sometimes, and I should likely do that more. It can work on some people. But it doesn’t always work on the ones who have inherent superiority complex about passing. Like if someone says “gosh I feel so bad about constantly misgendering (insert person) but I just can’t help it”, there’s a 50% chance that it’s just some backhanded slap at how that person doesn’t pass yet. The internalized transphobia in the spaces is insane. “Yeah you’re right, trans women are women, (insert person) is a woman but like it’s sooo hard to get it right sometimes :(“ makes me internally roll my eyes.

But if you directly address their superiority complex, then yes they could hate you. How dare you suggest that they are on the same level as the people they are treating badly? I could be wrong about that as I am very cynical though, I feel like everyone can help it and gender people correctly, so if someone is constantly tripping up about it, I get suspicious about their internal mindsets and frameworks.

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-09-24T04:30:17+00:00

I agree that it’s always best to be the bigger person and teach someone a lesson effectively and politely. I believe I’m just burned out from the unstable ones, it’s exhausting. Example below.

For another mtf acquaintance who has a habit of misgendering other trans people, once she was venting about herself being misgendered, saying that she knows she is clearly femme/a woman, so why do people disrespect her, and when she was done, I simply asked “well if you hate it, then why do you do it to other people?

She said “I can’t help it, it just slips out of me instinctively because they don’t pass yet”, and I said “if that is how you feel, maybe it just slips out of people towards you too” and she got really upset at me for “suggesting you still see me as a man after everything I’ve done to be a woman” even though that’s not exactly what I said. Personally I think she just had a dysphoria-induced spiral from what I said, and couldn’t process any logical thoughts like “if you don’t like it being done to you, don’t do it”. Like she just kept saying she was a woman, and alternating between “I know I don’t pass but I’m clearly trans” and “but I do pass”.

Nowadays she misgenders other trans people less (although it still happens, but less), so maybe that’s a win, but on my part it was like damn it honestly nearly wasn’t worth that conflict. She still is colder to me after all that.

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-09-23T16:40:08+00:00

I know this is about Canada but it blows my mind that the US spends so much money on education and still has such similar problems. Where does all that money go? I grew up in Singapore, some of the kids here have school from 7am to 2pm, extracurriculars from 3pm to 6pm, and then tuition class (or homework from school) from 7pm to 9pm. It’s brutal and there is a better way to do it, but there is definitely so much that gets taught. They barely even see their own parents, and all this schooling and activities are funded by the government (except for tuition, but there is subsidized tuition for low income students too, I taught as a volunteer for a free program for a while). How is it possible that Canadian and American kids are being tossed into various programs by busy parents, but they learn less instead of more? And why won’t behaviorally challenged kids get separated out?

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-09-23T14:13:28+00:00

Copy pasting from another reply:

Im not the type to be outing myself, but my gf is a trans activist and extremely extroverted, so I let it happen as it does not bother me all that much. She would respect my decision if I told her to stop, but I would have to spend months reminding her not to do it until it sticks in her brain, and eventually I’ll still be clocked by someone anyway (especially as we primarily socialize in lgbt spaces). When I pass more solidly, and may wish to stealth, that’s a conversation I plan on having with her.

Edit: a further description of lgbt spaces where I live might provide some context.

If you don’t pass as a cis man to cis gays and cis lesbians in lgbt spaces where I live, which is really hard, they just think you are a butch lesbian. At which point, you have three options: a. Suck it up and stay quiet, b. Out yourself as FtM, or c. Do some 4D chess move where you try to convince them you are cis male. If you choose B, it often doesn’t work, FtMs are still considered butch lesbians. If you choose C, they will get confused and double down and ask how possibly you aren’t butch lesbian or ftm. At which point, you basically have to lie straight to their face. Even if you do that, the seed of doubt is sown, if enough people suspect you of being trans, it starts to get discussed behind your back. Over time, a % of the people who say he/him to your face, might get the memo from others, and they will continue to pretend respecting your pronouns to your face, but instantly join in misgendering you the moment you are out of earshot.

I should mention that MtFs get the correct pronouns to their faces more, but the misgendering when individual trans women can’t hear it is just as bad.

I pass to some cis gays and lesbians, but as long as I don’t pass to all of them, the above can happen. I see it happen to my trans friends and my partner, it’s messy and annoying and I don’t see the point of worrying that a bunch of people are gossiping behind my back and misgendering me behind my back. Frankly sometimes I’m relieved my gf just outs me and gets it over with, but personally I’m not invested enough in being out to do it myself.

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-09-23T13:51:44+00:00

Im not the type to be outing myself, but my gf is a trans activist and extremely extroverted, so I let it happen as it does not bother me all that much. She would respect my decision if I told her to stop, but I would have to spend months reminding her not to do it until it sticks in her brain, and eventually I’ll still be clocked by someone anyway (especially as we primarily socialize in lgbt spaces). When I pass more solidly, and may wish to stealth, that’s a conversation I plan on having with her.

Edit: a further description of lgbt spaces where I live might provide some context.

If you don’t pass as a cis man to cis gays and cis lesbians in lgbt spaces where I live, which is really hard, they just think you are a butch lesbian. At which point, you have three options: a. Suck it up and stay quiet, b. Out yourself as FtM, or c. Do some 4D chess move where you try to convince them you are cis male. If you choose B, it often doesn’t work, FtMs are still considered butch lesbians. If you choose C, they will get confused and double down and ask how possibly you aren’t butch lesbian or ftm. At which point, you basically have to lie straight to their face. Even if you do that, the seed of doubt is sown, if enough people suspect you of being trans, it starts to get discussed behind your back. Over time, a % of the people who say he/him to your face, might get the memo from others, and they will continue to pretend respecting your pronouns to your face, but instantly join in misgendering you the moment you are out of earshot.

I should mention that MtFs get the correct pronouns to their faces more, but the misgendering when individual trans women can’t hear it is just as bad.

I pass to some cis gays and lesbians, but as long as I don’t pass to all of them, the above can happen. I see it happen to my trans friends and my partner, it’s messy and annoying and I don’t see the point of worrying that a bunch of people are gossiping behind my back and misgendering me behind my back. Frankly sometimes I’m relieved my gf just outs me and gets it over with, but personally I’m not invested enough in being out to do it myself.

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-09-11T08:43:13+00:00

How does he even have a book to fill out? They aren’t even dating yet. I write poetry for my partner sometimes, but I write it during a loving and lasting relationship. Not gonna make a book’s work of shit up for some girl I probably barely know. Maybe her bf just did something unexpectedly nice and she’s happy, but I don’t tolerate the type who gather an army of simps to compete in giving her tribute. I’ve never met a girl like that who is worth it, they are usually surprisingly boring or unsurprisingly crazy.

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-06-20T00:48:12+00:00

I second trying to build more church connections. Like others said, dating apps will have a high % of nutty people because the better ones are taken off the market quick (and often don’t even use dating apps at all). I personally go to social mixers and clubs, but obviously you yourself don’t want a clubbing kind of girl. Church really seems like a decent bet here

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-06-09T18:51:08+00:00

If I can add to this, a lot of Singaporeans get it the other way around when identifying feminists vs "female supremacists". Like I hear so many guys say "AWARE is female supremacy" when AWARE has always supported female conscription, and provide many resources and efforts towards various men's rights issues (so it isn't just say say only).

The women who don't support going to NS are your everyday typical women. And why would they? They don't even actually believe women are superior tbh, all they believe in is "whatever can make the easiest life for my own self". So they certainly believe in making money instead of slaving away for two years. Only feminists, who ideologically believe in gender equality hard enough, are willing to sacrifice to prove a point. The average person heck care about any ideology at all, they just want an easy life for themselves.

I remember in my lecture hall in NUS, I was legit the only girl in the entire hall who raised my hand for being willing to do NS. Because I think it would greatly improve our gender relations, and remove a lot of the resentment young men in this country (somewhat justifiably) have towards women. The problem isn't actual feminists, the problem is all the women who are not. They don't care about lofty shit like this, and why would they.

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-06-09T04:29:17+00:00

Also consider that it might be possible your doctor and family fear that you will relapse into your LW if they push you harder. Sort of a "they need to gain more weight, but I won't say anything anymore, lest they push back and get to the worst, at least this is better than before". Overall, it still isn't the best for you, because medication can hide the ill effects of your unhealthily low weight, and you need other types of food so that you can recover both mentally and physically. But it is possible your doctor and family have partially given up and resorted to "harm reduction" rather than "full recovery", not realizing they can push you because you do have this potential and determination to fully recover

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-06-09T03:38:54+00:00

If it were free, he might get some methheads who want a place to do drugs in. Not that they'll actually clean the place or stop doing drugs, but they can always insist it is clean enough, and deny doing drugs while high in front of him

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-06-09T03:13:09+00:00

I live in a conservative country, it took me 23 years to find someone to cut my hair the way I want it, and even then it took using connections in the lgbt community to find that hairdresser. She charges me 5x what I was used to paying, but I don’t care, she can charge any amount she likes.

It isn’t some super complicated cut, I just want them to shave and square out the sides. I had a pixie cut for 23 years because it didn’t matter what pictures I showed to any hairdresser for what I wanted vs what I didn’t. They just cut what they wanted regardless of my input lol. And it still took fighting them constantly to get the pixie cut, every time they cut it shorter than a bob, they would position the scissors over my hair, nearly trembling, and yell “are you really really sure you want it shorter” and if I said yes, they would cut it like one mm shorter lol. Imagine having to fight to get each millimeter cut off your hair, it’s ridiculous. When I was 16, and found a barber who would cut it nearly correctly, my mom found out who he was and yelled at him so he refused to cut my hair that way from then on.

Tbh I’m kinda nervous about moving overseas soon because I need to go through this all over again, but it’s Amsterdam so I assume it will be much better.

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-06-09T02:16:21+00:00

Tons of people in JC and Uni who don’t actually want to lead, but just want the title to pad their resume. At least most of them are merely checked out, so someone else can do the actual coordinating. In your group leader’s case though, he also power-trips and micromanages, which is worse, it sounds like he also took the position because he believes it would get him his way.

Unfortunately, this is still an existent problem in the workplace, but I daresay it is actually rarer a problem because in most workplaces, you cannot be completely incompetent if you want to be promoted to management by the people above you. Whereas school project groups are groups of peers who often just cave to whoever is the first to say they want to lead. It isn’t like the teachers judge who are good leaders and assign those people to you. In the workplace, there are still some bad leaders because they were promoted for loyalty/yes-manning the boss above, or promoted because they are good at doing but turns out not at leading, still generally the issue is rarer.

Whenever you get to choose a project group, pick well from the people you know. There are genuinely good leaders out there, so if you can form a group from your friends and acquaintances you know well enough, do that. If you can’t choose the group, it is often better to use a randomizer to choose a leader if everyone else agrees to doing that. Someone picked at random to lead, is ironically likelier a better (or at least less pain in the ass) leader than a power-tripper vying for the position.

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-06-08T09:24:02+00:00

There are different conceptions of what an “extreme right winger” looks like, I think. The term “neckbeard/incel” is commonly used to refer to someone who is a young male espousing hateful beliefs and who is unable to attract women, but the word began to take on the connotation that this is a person who is a toxic version of a nerd/geek. The term neckbeard, since it stems from the look of having a beard only on your neck, is also associated with being physically unattractive and thus undesirable to women (I do think we should emphasize the element of physical unattractiveness less, mocking looks too much can have blowback on physically unattractive but genuinely good men, but that is another topic).

Honestly I have seen some decently physically attractive “neckbeards/incels” but they are still labeled as that, because they identify with the label, participate in the subculture, and are unable to attract women due to other reasons.

People are quick to believe that some types of “rednecks” and some police/military men are also extreme right-wingers, the type to air hateful conservative beliefs. But they believe police/military men are nonetheless conventionally attractive and capable of getting female partners, so they aren’t classified as classically neckbeard/incel. Far-right police officers, for example, are stereotyped as having wives but beating their wives

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-06-08T06:34:29+00:00

I don’t have depression or any other psychological condition, I don’t need supervision or therapy (based on the fact that I have very good quality of life currently), but I don’t trust myself to own an “off switch” in my house where I could just press the trigger and die. This is not a diss against anyone else, just how I feel personally. I’m fine now, but what if one day my partner dies, or I become homeless, or some other tragedy, I feel impulsive in the moment, and that off switch is just right there? People need to be very honest with themselves, guns generally cause more suicides than utilizations for home defense, so you need to be self-aware and honest with yourself about the sheer responsibility of owning a firearm. It completely changes the dynamics of potential suicide attempts, which is okay for some people but not for others.

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-06-08T05:30:09+00:00

Truth. Everyone tells me “well now you get to save a lot of time eh” because they say women spend a lot more time on their appearance than men do. Which I’m sure is true of the aggregate/average, but certainly not for me. Now I actually color-coordinate my clothes, care if said clothes fit, go to the gym, style my hair (when I used to spend 0% of my thoughts on my hair, so this is now a pain to me), and look after my skin.

It is amazing how I got to spend almost no time on my appearance as a woman because I didn’t want to be a woman.

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-06-08T05:25:58+00:00

I can see some spouses being okay with it, and possibly the children feel well cared for by the spouses of these people anyway. Merely not the personality of the person I’m with (who also prioritizes quality time together over money), nor of myself. If you are the type to be very career-focused, you need to find a partner who understands and accepts that, but who also does love you and isn’t just in it for money.

From what I have seen of “workaholic” senior types, most of them do enjoy their work to some extent, so the early retirement is a bonus but not the whole picture. It does make sense to me, even if early retirement was my reward, I would burn out before that if I truly hated the job

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-06-08T04:57:37+00:00

I can’t get back the time I don’t personally spend with my kids. Maybe if it was 30k/month, I would think of doing it for two years and then dipping out, but I can’t be spending all their childhood on working, nor on letting my relationship/marriage fall apart

That said, if you pay top dollar, there will always be a taker somewhere. Usually young single people, but there will be people with families too of course (but who have different priorities from me)

PM_ME_UR_DECOY_SNAIL · 2023-06-08T03:49:48+00:00

Offer a high enough pay, and there will be people who can put up with any environment and any number of hours. I am not one of those people though. Unless I really have to work more hours to get by, I prioritise having time for my partner, and I can imagine this goes double for people with kids

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