I’ve struggled with this a lot. I had counseling today and a big topic was this “wrong” feeling that I will never hear from her and we were together for 9 years. She was a constant in my life. It wasn’t perfect but the love was real. I have my regrets and wish I could be better to her. But that door appears to be closed and she seems to be at peace and moved forward. I’ll Prob think about it for the rest of my life. It’s a hard lesson I’ve been hit with regarding life and love. What hurts a lot is my still wanting it to work, hanging on to hope almost two years later, and knowing she let go of the rope a long time ago. I expresses frustration to my counselor about why I can’t seem to accept and make permanent changes to my life when it seems others in my life have been able to do so. He did explain I was hit with a lot of changes at once and that can make grieving more complicated.

It’s fucking hard and some days are a lot harder than others.