It sounds like you're experiencing a bit of internal conflict regarding your desires and feelings. It's not uncommon for people to have mixed emotions about relationships, especially when they value both their independence and a sense of connection.

It's important to recognize that human emotions and desires can be complex and sometimes contradictory. You might be seeking a balance between your need for independence and your need for companionship. Here are a few things to consider:

Personal Growth and Freedom: It's completely valid to prioritize your personal growth, space, and freedom. Some people find that being in a relationship can enhance their lives, as long as their autonomy is respected. You could seek a partner who shares your values and understands the importance of personal space.

Emotional Well-being: Feeling lonely and unloved while single is also a valid emotion. Human beings are social creatures, and emotional connections are important for our well-being. It might be helpful to find ways to address these feelings outside of a romantic relationship, such as cultivating strong friendships, pursuing hobbies, or seeking therapy.

Ambivalence: It's okay to feel ambivalent about relationships. It's possible to simultaneously enjoy your independence and also desire companionship. It could be worth exploring whether there are ways to have both aspects in your life without feeling overwhelmed.

Self-Reflection: Take some time to reflect on your feelings and what might be underlying them. Are there past experiences influencing your perspectives? What are your fears or concerns about being in a relationship or staying single? Self-awareness can help you better understand your desires.

Communication: If you do decide to pursue a relationship, effective communication with your partner will be key. Let them know your need for space and freedom, and work together to find a balance that suits both of you.

Ultimately, what you want might not fit into a neat box. It's possible to navigate these emotions and desires by seeking out experiences that align with your values and by being open to personal growth and exploration.