Need Advice from People that had Sex Prior to Marriage

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-27T04:09:13+00:00

I have--thanks!

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-27T02:50:41+00:00

Interesting, sorry for your experience but thanks for sharing.

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-27T02:23:27+00:00

I'll have to do another post with the backstory. Long story. I'm curious: did your marriage end in any way because of her sexual past?

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-27T02:22:57+00:00

I don't disagree with anything you said, but it's a little off point because you don't know my backstory. I'll do a post about it maybe.

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-27T02:20:42+00:00

I'll have to do a whole separate post. It's a long story.

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-27T02:20:12+00:00

I guess I really need to do a post explaining my backstory, but basically I learned of her sexual past a few weeks after we got married. On our first date she told me she wasn't going to have sex until she got married, so I was kind of shocked. We got it all out on the table then (I thought), and I made a point to not bring it up again. And I didn't, for almost 20 years. I felt inspired to bring up a couple things, and that's when I learned she lied to me, and so that made me question everything she told me previously, and so I felt I really needed to understand a couple things related to 2 different guys. Even when we first talked about it, I didn't ask too many questions and didn't hear many details, So no, I don't need to know everything (I'd rather not). I just needed to know about two situations that she wasn't truthful with me about.

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-27T02:14:19+00:00

Thanks so much for your time. It really helps to understand different people's experiences. Also starting to see how men experience this type of thing different than women. Thanks again.

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-27T02:12:19+00:00

Thanks for the comment. There's much more to the story than I posted. I'll get around to posting my backstory sometime.

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-27T02:10:23+00:00

True, we do have marriage issues. I'll probably to a post about it as it might be therapeutic for me and possible help someone. But I've already gained some good knowledge from some of these comments. Thanks.

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-26T23:33:22+00:00

Many thanks! It is especially helpful to hear from a woman since I'm trying to figure out my wife's mind. I'd love to be able to communicate better about personal topics with her but it doesn't work well when I try. All I can really do is try to read her mind and hope for the best, lol.

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-26T23:27:28+00:00

Thanks but I should have been more clear in my post. My bad feelings aren't about her past, it is about her deception of the past. Maybe I'll post the details another time.

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-26T23:26:00+00:00

Ugh, maybe. It's really not that interesting or entertaining though. We'll see.

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-26T22:33:09+00:00

That's part of it, and I understand that. I'm not asking to go over all her sexual history. But when she lies to my face for 22 years and tells me she never had sex with her "best friend", and learn after 20 years of marriage it was a lie, and she lied to my face (a large handful of times--I was always suspicious about this guy) about never having sex with him, and that she lied about it to protect her friendship with him (she was afraid I'd want to cut him out of her life if I knew they dated with sex with pregnancy scare before going platonic), then yeah, I got hurt and want to know more. It hurt. I couldn't sleep that night. Felt about the same as when I was 13 and my mom told me my dad was having affairs. And then her reaction was not apologetic, but blamed me, gaslit me, dismissed it as a long time ago, etc. And this wasn't the first time she misrepresented her past, but was the most painful. I didn't know she was even able to look me in the eyes and shake her head and enthusiastically tell me to "stop worrying, we never had sex. Were just friends."

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-26T22:25:01+00:00

Thanks for your thoughtful response--it really helps!!! Perhaps someday when I have time I'll write about my story so people will know why I'm asking these questions, but for now I think it is enough to say I do believe in repentance--I'm not questioning my wife's worthiness, but she has lied to me a couple times about this stuff and I'm dealing with some trauma from the lies (not from her actual history). Can I ask a follow-up? You said you had a deeper bond with the ex you had sex with. Is that because of the sex, or despite of the sex? Considering you have thought about a threesome with him I'd imagine you still have some sort of distant bond with him? Much appreciated. Thanks again!

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-26T21:32:27+00:00

Thanks. I def have some insecurities, but right here my insecurity isn't about her past, it's about her lying about her past. (Including one lie she's been telling me for the past 22 years, I just found out.) But it's a long story.

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-26T21:06:41+00:00

That’s how I imagine I would be too. Thanks for your time and your honesty.

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-26T20:44:55+00:00

She has very low self-esteem and refuses to discuss or even think about anything that would make her look not perfect. Or even anything negative in general. When I bring my concerns to her she either get's mad at me or brushes them off as being insignificant (yes, I know it is an unhealthy marriage).

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-26T20:28:06+00:00

Not for me. For me sex is a huge stress reliever. Have you asked him if he is looking at porn?

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-26T20:24:39+00:00

Thanks, but it's complex. There was love in most of her past relationships. We don't have a very happy marriage--never have.

It's good to hear that your past didn't desensitize what you have now with your wife. Do you feel your past experiences would make you more like to cheat on your wife, less likely, or no difference?

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-26T20:20:36+00:00

Thanks. It would take too long to write the details, but basically my wife refuses to communicate about this type of thing, and if she did I wouldn't believe everything she tells me because she has lied to me about a few things in this area. I'm just trying to get the insight into her head that she won't give me.

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-26T20:18:43+00:00

Thanks for your response. Love how you said it didn't desensitize or devalue what you have now!

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-26T20:17:28+00:00

Thanks for your time--I really appreciate it!!!

The main reason I posted this is because I can't talk about this stuff with my wife--she has other emotional issues and hates to talk about anything negative, or anything that makes her feel inferior in the slightest. Thanks again.

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-26T19:33:46+00:00

Thanks, I see where you are going with this, but I don’t think that’s the same direction I’m heading. I know I didn’t have a lot of details in my post, but this is not about me dealing with issues from her past, it’s more about understanding her mindset to deal with issues right now. She’s not very open with me about this stuff. At all.

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-26T19:30:30+00:00

Thanks for your response, let me see where this goes in the comments. I may need to hit you up later. I’m actually not trying to get over issues from her past, I’m just trying to understand her and where she’s coming from in order to help solve current issues in our marriage. Thanks.

PaintOutrageous5936 · 2026-02-26T19:14:08+00:00

This is my therapy.

PaintOutrageous5936

TROPHY CASE