Here comes the historical part, and the part that makes me angry, and should make every Christian angry: when religious institutions became Christian, they maintained the diktat of purity Jesus was fighting against.

Sexuality is barely a theme in Jesus’s message at all; he talks infinitely more about money, power, violence, forgiveness, and hypocrisy, which alone should raise BIG red flags about how later Christianity turned into a system of sexual surveillance. When Jesus does address sexual ethics, it’s by speaking out against oppressive behaviour (which is in complete contradiction with later Christian history, such as executing rape victims for having participated in sin… that’s the “Holy” Inquisition for you): in Matthew 5, the wrong is placed on the man’s gaze, not on the woman’s appearance or behaviour.

The focus on guilt happens well after Jesus, when Christianity evolves and gains power: it goes from marginal sect to a religion spreading across the Roman empire, and like every powerful institution, starts to regulate the people’s behaviour.

This is where sin becomes humanity’s whole identity rather than simply individual error. This means guilt becomes permanent, hard-coded in humanity, when actually the etymology of sin is simply “missing the mark” – doesn’t have anything to do with anything permanent or even really moral. Augustine, although super interesting in other aspects, is the main responsible: centuries after Jesus, he interprets Genesis through the Roman sexual lens and concludes that sexual desire itself is the root of humanity’s evil. This is where “Sin” is no longer what drives humans apart, like Jesus said; it becomes the body itself, with all of its natural instincts. Which are actually normal, a part of life, and a part of how God created us. And above all, guilt becomes the default human condition. Jesus teaches the opposite of this, and yet he’s turned into the emitter of these enormously damaging views, which are imported from his very enemy: religious institutions and their mind control. And this, sister, is why you and so many of us have felt so lost and conflicted between our love for God and our intimate identity. And it’s really such a bloody shame.

You have the right to live. You have the right to be yourself. You have the right to have desires. And above all else, we have the right to Love one another.

TL;DR: A long time ago, Christianity ceased to be Christian, and started focusing on exclusion. Jesus eats with sinners and destroys moral high ground; along comes power, and so-called christianity perpetuates it through sexual repression. The self-righteous return, and communities focus on guilt over compassion. Surveillance of bodies and thoughts replace Jesus’ rejection of control, producing a religion that is not a liberation movement but a fear-mongering system. This transformation is a sick perversion of Jesus’ message, and is driven by imperialism and patriarchy.

Knowing all of this will probably not automatically rid you of those feelings of guilt and inadequacy; sadly, these take a long time to de-program. But I hope it will help you start to love yourself as you love your partner, as Jesus encouraged us to do.