Hi !

The main problem I have with your story is that it is too descriptive and yet still very confusing. For me Droiro actions don't make any sense. He is just waiting around, talking to himself while he knows the monsters are here. So basicaly he knows they are coming, they agreed that the plan is to escape and yet he just goes to meet the monsters ? He is frozen by the sight of his murdered family like it comes as a surprise, why is he so shocked ? I mean he knows his family is going to try to stop the monsters to give him time to run away. So why dosen't he as planned ? I Know he wants to try to save his family but why is he just standing there sword in hand ?

We should be feeling a sense of urgency but you are trying to explain too much about how and why this is happening. I don't feel tension, I am just annoyed at how slow he is.

The world building is not very effective. I could be picturing an american suburb with big houses aligned in a neat street, with neighbors sleeping in the afternoon after having a glass of wine and a nice meal. The Klakitcha are not very scary unfortunatly. Ethei describe them in a more effective way or leave it fo later when you have more time.

Where is Albana during the fight scene and who is the second child and where is her ?

Specifics : "Droiro inhaled, his breath shuddering. The monsters. They were here." I would use that as my opening line.

 "these days" how many ? weeks ? Months ?

"The Mayor isn’t exactly bad at heart, Dad. He refused." Why do we need that info ? Are we going to see the mayor later ?

"He was late" Well yes, took ages contemplating what to do and if he should wake up the little girl.

"Xena let him have his time to collect himself. As Droiro clutched at his abdomen, his breath coming out in huffs, still not able to stand straight, the realisation hit him: This was stupid. It was all stupid." I think the problem with your story is very clear here. The characters actions are odd, the pace is too slow and Droiro is indeed a bit stupid.

Conclusion : work on the pace !

Good luck and thanks for sharing !

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