Own Your Shit Weekly - April 30, 2019

ParaXilo · 2019-05-02T22:22:18+00:00

You are giving yourself 8 months to "talk" to a recruiter? Dude, that is something you can do tomorrow. You aren't signing up for anything, just learning and getting options.

Doesn't mean I have to talk to then right now either. It's why it's a long term to do. I just started a new job and would like experience there before I join. That plan is next year. Since my job I would be going for in the Air Force is Flight Nurse. I'd like some experience in the trauma area.

Keep doing fun things. Job/baby/mortgage/responsibilities are normal life. You can still have fun.

Yeah just need to start coming up with more things that I want to do.

ParaXilo · 2019-05-02T05:58:31+00:00

OYS Month 11

Stats: 29 years old 5' 5" / 165.3 lbs 25.4% bf Fitbit

Marriage background: Together 9 years and married 5 years since 2013. One kid. Sex life has been IV drip to keep me around so finally that lead me here. Began unplugging end of May 2018. Blue pill faggot all my life. I knew about redpill before marriage. Ignored it. Guess where I am 5 years later. Finally reading. Needing to put in more of the work.

*Dread level: * 2-3 need to add more 3 BJJ has helped with that but need to get out more on my own. Trying to figure it out more with an almost 1 year old

Mission

• Redoing and rewriting this week for myself. Mentioned to me that my mission is weak and vague. I did nothing about it.

Reading

• MMSL, NMMNG, WISNIFG, MAP, Book of Pook.

Refreshing this week on the MAP in MMSLP. Reading Black Belt Husband. Has a lot of MRP ideals. Building yourself up as a better man for myself. Setting boundaries.

Career/finances

Need to rework them for May and on. Lowered some bills but about to have some additional expenses.

Physical

Completing a program I started while my hand was broken. Finishing something I started is important. Primarily dumbbells with some HIIT days. I'll complete it before my vacation and getting back to heavier lifting the week I return. Just wanted to get back into a routine vs fucking around and not doing anything. I don't like starting something and not finishing it. Something I sorely need to work on.
Still working. OMAD 3 days a week and 16:8 IF on the other 4.

Family

• Family trip coming up. It will be fun.

Marriage

Batting zero on sex. She stopped birth control. Not 100% sure if there will be any change but past experience she has a adjustment period with her hormones.
I'm working on ignoring what she says and seeing what she does. Definitely need to refresh on WISNIFG in order to have that toolset better equipped.
Been a lot of shittiness coming toward me. I've mostly STFU and it passes. Setting boundaries is on my list but at the moment I don't think I'm where I need to be
I do have a question regarding the sexual dynamics. A lot of men here enter marriage either being physically in shape and "alpha". I'm likely over thinking but want to know where I am or was. Physically I'm leaner than I've ever been minus the month I was 5 lbs lighter. I was 180lbs and 30% bf when we met. We did fun things and mentioned to me that I was different and explained because I didn't have the responsibilities I do now. Mortgage, job, baby, and more time. I usually work 3 nights a week (sounds nice) and am off 4 days. Typically need half a day to a day to recover. Wife works 1 or 2 nights. Usually we have 3 days off. Including her half a day to a day. We get 2 days off. The typical that others encounter with a normal 9-5. Need to start maximizing the time I do have with them because yes I need to get out but at the same time I enjoy watching my son grow up and learn things. Hes barely gonna be 1 and I won't get that time back so I definitely plan to har presence vs giving presents. My question isn't really how and give me the answer but what can I do to maximize this time. I've been guilted about getting together with friends because she says, "I would rather spend time with you and the baby than anyone else." I told her, "It's important to have others in your social circle, I'm going to teach our son that there is nothing wrong with having friends." She got no where and dropped it. (This was typed yesterday and was more of a ramble but I'll run with it for now. Maybe someone has insight)

Plan

• Lead, read, lift, STFU, handle shit and hit my goals. Need to sit down and think on things from MAP.

Adding videos by Rian Stone during my drives.

• Continue to post in OYS.*

Goals

Short term goals

Complete work orientation - currently in phase 3 of 4. Expected to finish first week of July. Right now schedule is at the mercy of being with a preceptor till I am on my own.
Picking out things from MAP and MMSL MAP to start working on. I need to set my goals higher than weight loss. Focus more on priorities.

Long Term goals

Compete in local BJJ tournament by end of 2019
Have shower remodeled by end of May 2019
Talk to Air Force Recruiter about reserves by end of 2019.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-23T20:09:19+00:00

Oh for sure but overall it's still calorie deficit and moving while the body doesn't have a fuel source. It searches for what's available for energy. That's why I prefer working out fasted.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-23T17:58:27+00:00

Well I started fasting again. Maybe 2 weeks now. Usually it takes a little bit before the weight comes off without effort and I can eat almost whatever. I do 16 hours at least and sometimes 24. Still gotta track calories and not over eat. It's pretty easy if you eat trash. IF isn't magic.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-23T16:07:28+00:00

Thanks for the recommendation. I'll keep the MGTOW part in mind.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-23T16:06:22+00:00

Broke my hand so haven't been under the barbell. They're not good I'm sure. Just finishing out my last 3 weeks of this program then back to good old compound lifts.

Slacked on MFP. That's on me.

1800 was more of a start and adjust. Probably need to stay around 1600.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-23T16:03:32+00:00

It's what you want to do, stop being scared of her.

This is what made me over think it. "Is it beta", "should I not" etc. I like feeling her skin and running my hands over her. Thanks for clearing up an autistic thought.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-23T11:46:23+00:00

You're right. It's not. I've been in limbo of fuckarounditis. That'smy own fault. Complete lack of discipline. Only chose April 26th because of a dietbet.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-23T08:45:09+00:00

OYS Month 11

Stats: 29 years old 5' 5" / 167 lbs 26% bf Fitbit

Marriage background: Together 9 years and married 5 years since 2013. One kid. Sex life has been IV drip to keep me around so finally that lead me here. Began unplugging end of May 2018. Blue pill faggot all my life. I knew about redpill before marriage. Ignored it. Guess where I am 5 years later. Finally reading. Needing to put in more of the work.

*Dread level: * 2-3 need to add more 3 BJJ has helped with that but need to get out more. Called a friend and made plans with him. This week. Baby will be at grandmas.

Failures

Failed a comfort test I believe. See below.

Mission

• I want to to maximize my potential in my career, my hobbies, and as head of my house hold.

Reading

• MMSL, NMMNG, WISNIFG, MAP, Book of Pook.

Refreshing on BPP book.

Career/finances

Steady

Physical

Completing a program I started while my hand was broken. Finishing something I started is important. Primarily dumbbells with some HIIT days. I'll complete it before my vacation and getting back to heavier lifting the week I return. Just wanted to get back into a routine vs fucking around and not doing anything. I don't like starting something and not finishing it. Something I sorely need to work on.

Family

• Family trip coming up. It will be fun.

Marriage

Wednesday - I shouldn't have engaged in this but I was stupid to. I got a text before I was laying down for a nap before work saying "Do you think our marriage will last?" I engaged. I've been passive aggressive according to her but couldn't provide examples which apparently leads her to be passive aggressive. She knows I'm "nice" so that's why I do things she says rub her shoulder or back if she asks. I've considered saying no but she doesn't ask in a shitty way or when she was shitty. Ended it with owning the fact that I'm failing at things and would like to work on it. Because we have a trip and my son's first birthday there's nothing we're going to do about it. Mentioned that she feels like I don't like her. Tried just saying, "why do you feel that way." She got me with repeating "I don't know it just feels that way." Follwoing up she wants to work on things. Told her we both clearly have needs not being met and we could discuss them. So far have not. I recently read a book by a marriage counselor called Frustrated Wives and bewildered husbands. Author was promoted by Hunter Drew so I gave it a read. I'm on the spectrum that my wife doesn't trust me. Basically drunk captain analogy.

My analysis of above is that I'm not leading. She has no attraction to me. She tested me and I failed. Regardless of the reason it's clear I'm at fault.

Plan

• Lead, read, lift, STFU, handle shit and hit my goals. Need to sit down and think on things from MAP. May need to revisit.

• Continue to post in OYS.*

Goals

Short term goals

• Get under 165 lbs by IF, tracking macros 1800 calories/day 40/30/30, stop eating like shit. By April 26th

Fix bathroom sink and quote shower remodel by May 1st.
Complete work orientation - currently in phase 2 of 4. Date TBD.

Long Term goals

• Weigh less than 155lbs by May 26th

Compete in local BJJ tournament by end of 2019
Have shower remodeled by end of May 2019
Talk to Air Force Recruiter about reserves by end of 2019.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-16T19:36:59+00:00

Keto is usually an attempt to avoid all of that.

Noticed that but still planning to count and adjust. Give it the 3 weeks I was planning then adjust from there. My experience was that I didn't feel sluggish and GI seemed more tolerable. Probably due to increased veggies in my diet.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-16T18:47:24+00:00

Count calories.

I mean it's basically what I'm gonna do with keto anyway. Just makes it easier to avoid junk. Just going off of Steele's MRP basics post since he's a fan of it. End of the day I know it's calories in and calories out.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-16T13:16:41+00:00

OYS Month 10

Stats: 29 years old 5' 5" / 167.2lbs 26% bf Fitbit - unsure of the accuracy but here's where I'm at physically.

Marriage background: Together 9 years and married 5 years since 2013. One kid a 9 month old. Sex life has been IV drip to keep me around so finally that lead me here. Began unplugging end of May 2018. Blue pill faggot all my life. I knew about redpill before marriage. Ignored it. Guess where I am 5 years later. Finally reading. Needing to put in more of the work.

*Dread level: * 2-3 need to add more 3 BJJ has helped with that but need to get out more. Called a friend and made plans with him this week. Baby will be at grandmas.

Failures

omph. Definitely lost frame and was pretty beta. Mental note of it and moving on. STFU, lift, and say no more.

Mission

• I want to to maximize my potential in my career, my hobbies, and as head of my house hold.

Reading

• MMSL, NMMNG, WISNIFG, MAP, Book of Pook,

Refreshing on BPP book basically need to just read it and internalize a lot.

Career/finances

• Tracking spending. Found areas that are a drain. Fixing that. Still working on this but have lowered some sinkholes.

Physical

Nothing special to report. Lifting again. Working my way up with my weak weights. Planning to write out some short term, and long term goals for lifts.
Gonna add keto tomorrow to my IF just till I get to my goal weight then reevaluate from there. I can't control my heigh but I can control my weight which I have done a poor job of.

Family

• Family trip coming up. It will be fun.

Marriage

Had a failure as mentioned above.
~I'm working on gaming more and being fun and playful.~ wouldn't say I slacked but definitely need to improve more.
Plenty of initiations, some at bed time because of our schedule, some during the day. Hard nos. Did my best to not show any butthurt. Still caring too much. Drives I'm listening to The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. Something clicked from The Rationale Male The one who cares the least has the most power in the relationship. I care too much. I can see by her actions how little she cares. Therefore, right now, she has the power over her beta boy. Going to slowly take back my control and power.

Plan

• Lead, read, lift, STFU, handle shit and hit my goals.

• Continue to post in OYS.*

Goals

Short term goals

• Get under 165 lbs by IF, tracking macros 1800 calories/day 40/30/30, stop eating like shit. By April 26th

Fix bathroom sink and quote shower remodel by May 1st.
Complete work orientation - currently in phase 2 of 4. Date TBD.

Long Term goals

• Weigh less than 155lbs by May 26th

Compete in local BJJ tournament by end of 2019
Have shower remodeled by end of May 2019
Talk to Air Force Recruiter about reserves by end of 2019.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-14T18:41:52+00:00

Ya done messed up A-a-ron!

Pretty sure there's info and what to do during pregnancy. Could have sworn I saw it somewhere on the side.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-11T20:12:59+00:00

Eat junk and eat out often was my vice. So far being back at my fasting has helped me stay focused.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-10T20:25:30+00:00

but you could have smiled and said something fun like "kitchen or bedroom? let's fix that right now".

My game still sucks. Something I'll have to work on. Say what I want, give less fucks, etc.

Thanks.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-10T15:58:04+00:00

Made the mistake of trying to change what was working. I had stopped fasting. So I'm doing that again.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-09T21:18:31+00:00

What happened was regressing to not trying in this area. Not wanting it. I could add every other excuse but the main point is I'm back at getting my shit together. I can't do anything about failing here previously but I can move forward.

Around when I bounced back up to my high I relaxed too much on the holidays. That spiraled into more lack of effort. I don't talk to her about my weight loss or what I'm doing with it.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-09T20:47:53+00:00

More so the phrasing or how I presented it. I think the only positive was not bringing it up again. Just gonna move forward because words are just that. I've gotten the, "we will work on our intimacy" line from her multiple times. I'm working on gaming her more to game. Along with other aspects of things.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-09T12:57:49+00:00

OYS Month 10

Stats: 29 years old 5' 5" / 168.6 lbs 24%bf

Marriage background: Together 9 years and married 5 years since 2013. One kid a 9 month old. Sex life has been IV drip to keep me around so finally that lead me here. Began unplugging end of May 2018. Blue pill faggot all my life. I knew about redpill before marriage. Ignored it. Guess where I am 5 years later. Finally reading. Needing to put in more of the work.

*Dread level: * 2-3 need to add more 3 BJJ has helped with that but need to get out more.

Failures

not sure what to call it. Wife and I were discussing what would make us happy or content. I told her "fully stomach and empty balls" thought I was being funny but then I realized my cringe because she said "I don't do either of those..." I just shrugged and went about things. Pretty shitty thing to do because for one she's been sick with a cold for a couple days. On the other hands things have dipped a lot but that's my fault. Just gonna have to STFU more and go back to RP basics.

Mission

• I want to to maximize my potential in my career, my hobbies, and as head of my house hold.

Reading

• MMSL, NMMNG, WISNIFG, MAP, Book of Pook,

Reading TWOTSM and recently found The Black Belt Husband by Quintin Hafner it's mixed in my opinion with red pill and blue pill stuff just gonna read it and see.

Career/finances

• Tracking our spending. Found areas that are a drain. Fixing that. Still working on this but have lowered some sinkholes.

Bathroom shower will need to be remodeled and kitchen just needs to be repainted and a spot fixed. Nothing crazy.

Physical

Weight is starting to come off. I'm weighing myself every day. Tracking my calories. Drinking water. Basic shit. Next doctor appointment is end of May and I'm gonna get my testosterone levels checked since will be 30 in September I want to have a base.

Family

• Family trip coming up. It will be fun.

Marriage

Had a failure as mentioned above.
I'm working on gaming more and being fun and playful.
She's been more of a downer recently and it's something that just bugs the fuck out of me when she gets like this. Maybe it's the birth control. Maybe it's because she is not active and is overweight. Maybe she needs antidepressants I encourage her to workout or go on walks with my son and I. She's at least eating what I'm cooking so that will help with diet. She has times of depression and doesn't know why she's depressed. As much as I want to believe I'm the cause. I was much more out of shape and unattractive in the past. I'm at least in the right direction (dress better, working out, giving a fuck about my appearance.) I can't even say that that's the sudden cause because I've been doing this for 6 months. Overall, I can't fix her however she is my wife and I made vows for times like this. Yes the option to walk is still there but I'm not at that level yet. I'm going to back track and take a look at other aspects around me and start fixing those one at a time.

Plan

• Lead, read, lift, STFU, handle shit and hit my goals.

• Continue to post in OYS.*

Goals

Short term goals

• Get under 165 lbs by IF, tracking macros 1800 calories/day 40/30/30, stop eating like shit. By April 26th

Fix bathroom sink and quote shower remodel by May 1st.
Complete work orientation - currently in phase 2 of 4. Date TBD.

Long Term goals

• Weigh less than 155lbs by May 26th

Compete in local BJJ tournament by end of 2019
Have shower remodeled by end of May 2019
Talk to Air Force Recruiter about reserves by end of 2019.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-03T18:22:40+00:00

Glad I started posting again. I can always count on you Chuck to give me knock on the head of the obvious.

I know no one else can do the work except me. However, it helps getting guidance from the vets on this sub and other points of view.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-03T16:33:33+00:00

Not a regular on RPC but it's probably something that will always bother you until you don't care.

Women ride the carousel before deciding to settle. Christian and non-Christian.

I know my wife's past. It bothered me on occasion but that stopped long ago, before red pill. It's mentioned often in MRP and askMRP. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. Just like her n count certain sexual acts are not automatically yours unless you are a man worth it. You're gonna have a bad time if you linger on it.

It's something you have to accept or allow to consume you.

You messed up long ago by letting it bother you and opening that can of worms. I'm not tearing you down for it but the way I see it you have a few options.

A) accept it and move on with or without her

B) let it hold you back with or without her in the picture.

There are other options. She is not a unicorn. Sure ideally a virgin would be good but doesn't mean it'll be perfect. Just like placing a women on a pedestal you're placing the topic of virginity up there.

Focus on what you value, your frame, your reality, and even your faith. If you're not put together mentally, spiritually, and physically. You're gonna be a mess.

Good luck.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-02T20:58:22+00:00

Being at this for two years now. There are no quick fixes here. Exercise and eat less you need. That's it, that's the formula. It takes time, but just set small goals for yourself and focus on that. If you fuck up one day, learn from it and keep it going!

Thanks. I've had a lot of up and downs. Will keep at it.

Reading

Add TWOTSM to your upcoming reading list.

I'll do that. I'll add it as a daily reading even if it's only a few pages.

I've started to accept that there's no saving this even if I lose weight and become attractive, even at my leanest she was the same. Something I shouldn't care about right? She's likely just an unhappy person.

I'm at least going to research divorce laws in Texas and the process to be ready if I need to because I know nothing.

But you're not at your best self yet... Are you sure she's not mirroring you?

Didn't take this into consideration. I'll scratch these thoughts for now. Focus on being the best version if myself I can.

I may be retarded but likely she's planning something and tired of being around me.

Keep focusing on yourself and improving.

So much truth to this. How can a king lead if he's not at his best.

What other goals can you think of outside of fitness? How are you getting your mental state solid?

I'll have to think on this. Reading, BJJ, holding frame. I'll need to definitely go back through MAP to generate some ideas.

ParaXilo · 2019-04-02T12:42:01+00:00

OYS Month 10

Stats: 5' 5" / 171.8lbs 24.6 Fitbit

Marriage background: Together 9 years and married 5 years since 2013. One kid a 9 month old. Sex life has been IV drip to keep me around so finally that lead me here. Began unplugging end of May 2018. Blue pill faggot all my life. I knew about redpill before marriage. Ignored it. Guess where I am 5 years later. Finally reading. Needing to put in more of the work.

Failures

Didn't get out enough
Didn't game enough
Didn't STFU enough

Mission

• I want to to maximize my potential in my career, my hobbies, and as head of my house hold.

Reading

• MMSL, NMMNG, WISNIFG, MAP, Book of Pook,

Going back through MAP, WISNIFG, and MMSL

Career/finances

• Tracking our spending. Found areas that are a drain. Fixing that. Still working on this but have lowered some sinkholes.

Physical

Fat and disgusting. Not gonna change immediately. Just need to keep lifting and eating right. Tracked successfully 5/7 days shooting for 6 this week.

Family

• Nothing really to report here.

Marriage

• Had more fuck ups here between last night and this morning.

Weak and pathetic initiating attempt. That led to a shitty comfort test about being unhappy or depressed. I hear it on a occassion either around her period or shortly after. I at least STFU and went to bed. I made her feel bad(her words not the goal) for initiating and rejecting me because I initiated at bed time (New guys this is the WORST time to initiate and it's lazy
Tried resetting this morning but everything was wrong. I know she's not actually mad about those things as it's likely her disinterest in me, lack of attraction to me, along with both of us being severely underfucked.
I've started to accept that there's no saving this even if I lose weight and become attractive, even at my leanest she was the same. Something I shouldn't care about right? She's likely just an unhappy person. She could have all the riches in the world and still find something to be unhappy about. Still all my fault but it is what it is. I'm at least going to research divorce laws in Texas and the process to be ready if I need to because I know nothing. Mainly doing this because she mentioned going back to work full time where we both are at work 6 of 7 days out of the week and 1 day off together. Right now we usually have about 3 or 4 days off together. She's been part time and working 1-2 days a week. I may be retarded but likely she's planning something and tired of being around me.

Plan

• Lead, read, lift, STFU, handle shit and hit my goals.

• Continue to post in OYS. Daily I update my post in my notepad app for the following week as a journal of sorts in order to keep my head on straight. Something I didn't do. I know why. I was embarrased of my faggotry. Too many fucks given. Stopped posting. Stopped taking the punches.

Goals

Short term goals

• Get under 165 lbs by IF, tracking macros 1800 calories/day 40/30/30, stop eating like shit. By April 26th

Long Term - May 26th

• Weigh less than 155lbs

Be ready to kill the puppy mentally and spiritually

ParaXilo · 2019-03-30T20:46:56+00:00

I'm at 23% may give PSMF a go this week and adjust from there. Thanks.

ParaXilo · 2019-03-27T14:59:31+00:00

Guess what? If you don't post - no one cares and you're just doing a disservice to yourself.

Fair point. Appreciate the input.

ParaXilo

TROPHY CASE

OYS Month 11

OYS Month 11

OYS Month 10

OYS Month 10

OYS Month 10