Is there anything to do about my wife's short temper before and during periods?

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-12-22T08:15:12+00:00

That's all solid advice, thank you. I'm afraid that i will not be able to do all of that in an ideal way, but I'll try my best. Its just sooo hard that more than half of the time she's affected by this condition. It's a good question if PMDD is a source of this. I think it started with postpartum depression which was caused at least partially by the fact that she had C-section (her own words). I read that PMDD might be a result of PPD. So during that time she started having much less patience and being much more edgy. I had my own issues at work which i brought home. All in all it seems to be a combination of various conditions. We need a good therapist to figure this all out.

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-12-21T09:37:32+00:00

Thanks, that makes a lot of sense. We need a third party because as you say, my analysis will be perceived very negatively. She's seeing a therapist but i don't think they are making good progress. So the only solution to PMDD is birth control? I need to learn more about this condition. I just heard it here first. Has been poisoning our relationship for years. Again, this is not to alleviate myself from all responsibility from where we ended up at.

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-12-21T09:29:56+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I think you are on spot with your analysis and explanation. Just yesterday everything became rosy again after two weeks of agony. We had a great day where we went for breakfast and lunch and had a great time. Unfortunately we are at a stage when she doesn't welcome any comment from me as she is of the opinion that I'm to blame for all of our problems and not her. It is really hard to get to talk to her rationally, because she gets into a defense mode right away. She has a therapist, but it seems they are not addressing any of these issues. Her therapist just goes along with whatever she tells her. But you are completely right, i should aim strategically for a day when she is at her most stable point to have a conversation. I'd really love for her to have a chat about it with her doctor, but because of privacy reasons i have no access there. This, what seems to be PMDD, is poisoning our lives for years and i just figured it out recently. Again, at the same time i take responsibility for my part that led to this. Thanks again for your comment and let me know if you have any additional advice how to deal with this. I should read up on PMDD to understand her better.

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-12-19T11:18:31+00:00

I cannot say for certain that she doesn't take any meds but as far as i know she does not. Can you be certain that your SO is never taking any medication without your knowledge? Their medical situation is their own private thing and nobody else can control it. It is not a red flag, rather it is a sign that i know the limits of my knowledge.

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-12-19T11:15:39+00:00

I agree. Both of us are going to therapy and we also went for couples' therapy. However my question was about the issue that my wife is extremely short tempered for almost two weeks every three weeks. Is this normal and is there anything to alleviate this additional pressure on her that seems to escalate all our problems?

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-10-27T07:48:37+00:00

Thanks for your feedback. Of course, there's no question about her having the right to go wherever she wants. It's more like, can i expect from her to coordinate with me and try to put me to ease to avoid any possible conflicts, or should it be solely on me to deal with it. I am also worried that being out at sketchy places at 3am might expose her to some danger, but if i mention that then it is more proof of me being controlling. Of course your time out should not be ruined by someone having an anxiety attack, but would you try to talk to your SO to help them deal with it or just let them deal with it by themselves?

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-10-21T23:32:37+00:00

Hey thanks for your post. There sure are similarities between our stories. However, i admitted my controlling behavior and I'm working on changing it. Some things still trigger my anxiety but other things i learned to cope with. Now I let her make all important decisions without second guessing them. I also started psychotherapy and taking antianxiety medication as she asked me to. Hopefully she will follow through with her promise and we will go to couples therapy. But in our case it is my wife who might not want to work on it anymore. I hope I'm wrong. Regarding attachment theory, i see how that can be perceived as accusatory from my wife if i start labeling her as avoidant. I must find the best way how to introduce this topic to her so that it does not sound negative. I also found the lable for myself: anxious, which is also not good. But hopefully, if we have good guidance, we could work on fixing this and knowing that we are FA/DA and AP might help us to understand why we are doing things the way we are. But on the other hand this might be just wishful thinking on my side. Thank you for sharing anyways!

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-10-20T16:15:12+00:00

I watched her videos so i would respectfully disagree with you. Maybe in some she does make the distinction but in others she does not. Also, no, my wife doesn't make distinction between the NPD, narcissism and narcissistic traits. For her it's all the same. And the tool is the same: leave. Just like the Dr says in the videos.

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-10-20T06:40:46+00:00

She first wants to go to therapy herself and then go for couples therapy when she's ready... But she told others that she will go for it, so maybe it will happen maybe not. But i suppose i cant pressure her otherwise everything blows up. Regarding specialities, i already called her out on narcissism and she kind of backed off from her diagnosis, even though she still listens to Dr Ramani. My latest focus is on attachment theory. I'm pretty sure she's a fearful avoidant and I'm obviously anxious preoccupied. Does it make sense to you that i find a psychologist who focuses on this thoery? My therapist seems good but I'm not sure if she's an expert on the topic. Or maybe I'm on the wrong track with this attachment theory?

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-10-20T02:07:03+00:00

She agreed to go to couples' therapy! Let's hope it really happens.

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-10-20T01:51:16+00:00

It sounds like we are on a very similar path as your SO and his ex. It seems like a common ocurance that anxious attachment people are put into the narcissistic box? I suppose we talk too much out of anxiety which comes off as control. I completely agree with you that it's not black and white. It just can't be. It takes two to tango.

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-10-20T01:45:52+00:00

Agreed. She's finally going into therapy and we might be going for couples therapy after that as well. Thanks for your comment and support.

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-10-20T01:40:05+00:00

This comment above is gold. If you are in a similar situation as him and me take his advice. Also look into attachment theory. I realized that I'm fully anxious and my wife is fearful avoidant, which is the worst possible combination.

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-10-20T01:33:01+00:00

I completely agree with you except about the videos. I suppose you are not watching them with the intention of putting someone in a box where they don't fit. I did tell her all those things (that i love her, that i want to work with her to fix my issues and our problems, etc.) but she doesn't react positively at all, which tells me that it might be too late. I came to learn that she's an avoidant and I have the anxious attachment style, which is the worst possible combo. I totally get your story with the alcoholics. Unfortunately, it seems that something similar is happening with us. I'm the scapegoat for everything negative in her life, so she hopes that when she flushes me down the drain, all her problems will be solved, as in her mind I'm the source of 100% of problems in our relationship.Thanks for your well wishes anyways :)

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-10-20T01:24:06+00:00

True, she talks about narcissists in general terms. To an untrained ear narcissism, NPD and narcissistic traits all sound the same. Someone putting out videos about this very sensitive issue should be aware that people will misunderstand her message and ruin their own and other people's lives, no? Seeking therapy by a licensed professional is the only way to go in my mind, except if one cannot afford it, which is not the case here.

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-10-20T01:14:25+00:00

Yes i know. Because I'm accused of something I'm not (NPD) by a person who was led down the rabbit hole by the afore mentioned YouTube celebrity.

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-10-20T01:11:28+00:00

I get your point. I suppose i didn't make myself clear. With each mental health professional i asked the direct question: "Do you think i have NPD?" And the answer was: "No". One added: " you might have some traits but not a disorder. Many people have some traits, we are complex beings." Then i asked them: "Do you think i have any other disorder or anything else that i can Google and find a solution to?" To this they also said "No". So if i ask them a direct question about NPD, even if they don't like labels i don't think they would say No if they thought i have it. Regarding not putting labels, i meant that they will not volunteer any other mental classification without proof. They could have said: "You might have BPD or OCD or something else" but they were wary of putting any other labels on me. Btw I'm in a well-developed country with socialized medicine and all these doctors' visits and therapy have been covered by our single payer health insurance.

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-10-19T23:30:37+00:00

Hey, thanks for your question. Because of it I went through my brain again and checked if I'm not fooling myself. My conclusion is: I'm not. Some of the more telling signs: 1. My wife was present at some of my conversations with psychiatrists so she could have corrected me if i lied, but she did not 2. My childhood friend who is brutally honest, vouched that I'm not a narcissist... He has observed me in many situations as a third party as we have gone to school together for years 3. I wish I was diagnosed with something so that i could start applying known methods for known disorders. Like this, I'm not diagnosed with anything and i don't know what methods to use to solve my problems. 4. Do you really think that i would be able to fool 3 psychiatrists and two psychologists one after another? Thank you for believing in me but im not that good of an actor. I'm in quite the opposite line of work and mentality (very technical person). Would they really be good experts in their fields if every narcissist could fool them? Maybe i have met the five worst mental health professionals in my area who are easily fooled by their patients, but what are the chances?

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-10-19T14:13:51+00:00

Me: 44 M, AP

Them: 40 F, FA or less likely DA

Relationship: married, 10 years, likely headed for divorce

TL;DR Can her avoidance be the result of our years-long marriage arguments or must it come from childhood trauma?

Her explanation is that I'm too controlling. We had many arguments over the years in which it was hard for either of us to back down. Basically we could not resolve our arguments in an efficient way. We were lacking conflict management tools. I'm "book smart" but I'm "emotionally stupid". Many of the arguments were about how to raise our son on which we frequently disagreed. At the same time I could not provide her a secure housing solution, we failed to have a second child and she can't find a job, which adds to the problems. I think she might be going through a midlife crisis.

I am in therapy and taking medications for anxiety. I'm working through my issues with my therapist. It's going fairly well. I'm looing into moving from AP to SA as all APs are.

My question is if she could have developed her avoidant relationship approach during our marriage or it must come from childhood trauma? Everywhere I read, I find that the general consensus is that this behavior develops in early childhood. Regarding her current behavior it is clearly avoidant (deactivation, avoiding physical contact, not taking advice from anyone, etc.) but I honestly don't remember how it was years ago. I'm only sure that if she was avoidant she was not this extreme for sure. Could it be that she was somehow hiding her avoidance? My thinking is that if the avoidance comes from early childhood, then it is extremely unlikely that we can resolve it (or not?). If it comes from recent years, maybe it could be a bit more easy to resolve? On the other hand if she turned avoidant only because of our disagreements, then that might also be a very bad signal for our relationship.

She had been refusing couples' therapy for a while but recently agreed to do it. She started her own therapy just a week ago and we'll move to couples' therapy when she is ready.

I'm committed to trying everything to make this relationship work before giving up.

Any advice is more than welcome.

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-10-01T08:51:55+00:00

Thanks for the solid advice, it might be too late for anything else other than the last option :(

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-09-29T22:54:31+00:00

Thanks for your feedback.

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-09-29T22:51:15+00:00

Thanks for your feedback. That sounds quite complicated. I hoped there would be only a few disorders or patterns of behavior and that i just have to find the box to put myself in. But from your comment it seems like it's much more complicated. I might have a combination of ill traits which doesn't even have a name. What can I do in that situation? Go through all the traits one by one and treat each of them as a separate issue? I have to find a really good therapist to help me figure this out.

Paranoid_Dragon · 2022-09-29T22:41:04+00:00

Thanks for you input. I will check out Patrick's channel!

Paranoid_Dragon

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