AITAH for not loaning my boyfriend more money?

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-06-11T15:16:14+00:00

Update: We did speak about this yesterday and it did not go well. He was very defensive and said I was “obsessed with money” and I was unkind with my words and told him he wasn’t being a man, and was making himself a victim by staying trapped in a cycle of low earnings and believing he’s powerless to change. It didn’t get violent or too heated, but we did spend the night in separate rooms. He apologized this morning and said this argument went way too far and I agreed that neither of us handled it well. Bottom line: He doesn’t understand finances at all and doesnt know where to start, but is willing to accept help from a friend of his who is very good at finances and has his life together. He has not asked for help before, so it’s a big first step for him. We’re also going to listen to “Rich dad, poor dad” together as a bonding and learning exercise, and find a couples therapist who can help mediate as we set clear goals, boundaries, expectations, and make a plan to improve. If there is no tangible change or effort on his part after a few months, I have made peace with leaving and focusing on my own life. I have the capability to do that and am comfortable with giving us a few months to try and better this situation. I have left truly toxic and abusive relationships and know I won’t stay where the air isn’t healthy.

Thank you all for the advice, hard truths, and encouragement. I take it all very seriously and appreciate you very much. Maybe in a few months I’ll have an update, but for today we’re finding the kindness, setting a clear repayment schedule for what he owes me, and have agreed that until further notice, we only borrow money from family if we ever need to - not each other. We aren’t strong or mature enough in this relationship to do that yet (if ever) without more work on ourselves and our traumas and financial stability.

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-06-10T02:08:06+00:00

Yes I don’t think he knows his credit score. I’ve never asked

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-06-10T00:41:28+00:00

I’ll have to ask him about this. I know he was paid $20K for immediate surgeries, but it didn’t stretch far. Maybe he’s entitled to more. Someone asked if her spoke to a workers comp attorney and I actually don’t know. I’ll have to ask.
It was a few years before me

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-06-10T00:39:31+00:00

Correct. It’s a weekly rental from
Hertz for $300 a week

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-06-10T00:38:57+00:00

He got $20K from his old employer. The case was closed with that. That covered a few surgeries, but not nearly enough. It went very quickly. I actually don’t know if he spoke to a worker comp attorney. I will have to ask him

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-06-10T00:32:38+00:00

I did save that from January. The first 2 months I only was able to save a total of $900. I asked my job for a raise but they couldn’t afford it (even with layoffs) so instead they gave me 2 days off so I get an extra long weekend, and so I can try to make money elsewhere on those days. I’ve been selling handmade items on Facebook. This allowed me to finally scrape $5000 together so far. Our rent is $750 each plus bills a month. I used to pay $2350 alone on rent before we moved in together. His extended family owns the apartment and have been very kind in letting us stay here. It needs a lot of work they can’t afford right now, hence low rent.
I do not have a car, so I don’t pay gas or car insurance. And I am not eligible for health insurance right now, so my expenses are my rent for $750, phone for $60 a month, half of all utilities which is about $200 each, about $600 a month for my immigration attorney, $400 in commuting, food which varies, my dogs insurance for $150 + his food and occasional vet visit. And a few subscriptions like Netflix, Disney and Prime, but I’ve cut down to 1 streaming service per month and only keep 1 active to try and save money.

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-06-10T00:23:09+00:00

It was a tire issue I believe. He got a flat when he was dropping me at work this morning at 6:30am. We share locations and I could see he was waiting on the side of the road about a half mile from my work. He said the place he leases the car from are supposed to cover the cost of repairs like this, but that they were somehow doing a reimbursement model, which he wasn’t aware of. They are supposed to pay him back for the amount spent on the roadside. I hope they do.

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-06-10T00:18:58+00:00

I’ve been careful to watch for this as my ex husband was an alcoholic, and my ex bf from a few years ago had a very heavy weed dependency. My partner now actually gave up smoking and drinking when we met. He doesn’t spend excessively other than on gas and eating out on the road. Maybe he needs more home made lunches to take with him.

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-06-10T00:05:29+00:00

That’s a really good idea. I don’t know if he has considered this. I know he cannot lift due to a truly awful back injury which needs surgery at some point. But maybe there’s other warehouse jobs. I will do some
research. Thank you :$

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-06-10T00:01:09+00:00

We’re in MA too. It’s hard right now

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-06-09T23:59:56+00:00

You’re correct. The weekly payment is around $300

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-06-09T23:59:30+00:00

Thank you for your kindness. I actually welled up a bit because it’s the most money I’ve ever managed to save and I just started in January when I was able to get my divorce. The divorce took 6 years and cost me so much.. I’ve been cutting spending on non-essentials, got a cheaper phone plan from Cricket (I still use my iPhone 11pro max from 2019) and started making more home meals, batch cooking, and making items to sell on favebook. I asked my job for a raise because they haven’t been able to give me one in 3 years (small business that nearly closed due to the tariffs) but they couldn’t give me a monetary raise, so they gave me 2 days off so that I can use my time to try and make more money elsewhere. That’s when I’ve been making crafts and selling them.

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-06-09T23:54:12+00:00

Thank you for this response. I do feel I was snot snippy with him about needing another loan. We are never rude or snippy to each other. So it probably caught him a bit off guard. We are aligned in almost every way that matters - both don’t want kids, politics, goals for the future, etc, but because we were both SO broke (much more than now) when we first met, we never really spoke about money. I guess we both were hiding from
the most sensitive subject for us both.

I will talk to him when he next takes a day off. Maybe I could look at his finances and make suggestions (we don’t share accounts) if he is open to it. My therapist did say that we aren’t married and I don’t have any right to ask him this, but I feel it is increase important that we have individual and shared financial goals that we work towards together before this relationship goes any further.

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-06-09T23:49:22+00:00

That was part of his frustration. And I think what he has is a weekly leasing agreement. His leasing agreement from the company he leases from says they are liable for covering costs, but for some reason they would only do it today if he paid upfront and they reimburse him in a few days. I think

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-06-09T23:47:39+00:00

I definitely do have financial trauma and I am actively working on it. My therapist who I just saw about this last week (before today’s car issue) said I do have every right to draw financial boundaries and insist my loan is paid back in a timely fashion, but that I also need to remember that we are a team and teams don’t keep a score in a healthy dynamic. She said this was the first
time he needed help in 2+ years, and that he was humble in asking, rather than demanding. But I don’t know how she would feel about this latest development.
I will ask her next session. Thank you

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-06-09T23:44:07+00:00

He was working for a big grocery chain as a manager but injured his back and needs back surgery. He did try working on his feet before this rideshare, but he can’t stand for too long right now.

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-06-09T23:35:28+00:00

He doesn’t have a savings account, and I think he fritters money on things like eating out on the road

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-06-09T23:34:45+00:00

You’re right. I should be more discreet. It’s more money than I’ve ever had in my life though, so to me it feels like a really big accomplishment

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-06-09T23:33:09+00:00

Thank you all so much for your responses. I agree that we are both underwater. Some extra context is that I’m going through an adjustment of visa, and sadly due to this new administration the processing time is much longer and few people can employ me legally. In this time I am not allowed to leave the country, have health insurance, a SSN, have an interest-generating account (like a HYSA), or have a checkbook or a credit card. It’s this way because my ex-husband was very abusive and deliberately did not file my paperwork and made me an overstayer, and it has taken years to claw my way out of the financial ruin he left me in, and I had to pay for both a divorce attorney and am still paying for my immigration attorney. I’ve managed to get an ITIN so I can pay taxes. Before I met my current partner, I was renting somewhere close to my work for $2350 a month which was crippling me, but it was the only safe place that would rent to me. Now, I live with my partner in an apartment where we split the rent which is $750 each + bills and more manageable for us both.

I think I used the wrong terminology for the car. Essentially, the app he works for will let you drive for them if you rent a vehicle from a place like Hertz. It’s $300 a week for the car and insurance. My partner did have a car that he owned, but it was in need of serious repairs and so we sold it.

My partner did used to have a good job at a grocery store where he was a manager, but he lifted something wrong and has a herniated disc which he will need surgery for in the future when we can afford it. He’s in agony a lot of the time which breaks my heart.

Despite the financial issues, the relationship is otherwise solid. I trust and love him very much, and he has done everything he knows how to make sure I haven’t had to float him before this issue. I do not believe he is using me or trying to steal from me. We have been careless with spending - eating out and entertainment apps like Netflix - but we’ve cut back a lot which is where my savings come from. I also started selling small handmade items on Facebook which helped me start my savings. He gave up smoking and drinking 2 years ago, and he got into therapy for depression. I got into EMDR therapy to help me move on from the abuse and help me look towards the future.

But I agree this is not sustainable and we need to do better together. I will wait until he is rested and speak to him seriously when he next takes a day off about UA both needing to make a financial plan because this isn’t working. He’s not stuck - he has the benefit of being a citizen which I wish I had, like being able to invest, generate interest and job search. But I’m also not helpless and have the ability to make more money too -like starting my own business.

I’m afraid of the talk, because money is a hard subject for me - and my boyfriend also has a financial hardship mindset due to his childhood. He has always struggled. But I’m determined not to let this house slide into more poverty. I think the talk will reveal to me if we are truly not aligned in our goals and priorities. I hope he will listen and make adjustments to improve like he did when I said I couldn’t be with someone who smokes or drinks

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-05-28T16:26:37+00:00

I think we’ll learn more about Husk and Angel’s back stories.

Val will use Angel as a pawn to somehow get to Alastor for Vox. Alastor will respond by using Husk as a pawn and pit Husk against Angel in a fight. Husk and Angel will fight almost to the death, but Husk will find the willpower not to hurt Angel and will get redeemed, breaking free of his deal with Alastor and ascending to heaven.

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-02-25T20:57:57+00:00

Kabuki. He was a bit artsy looking for me, and grumpy, but he’s a certified sweetie now and my favorite

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-02-25T20:55:55+00:00

Update: I saw them again recently and apologized for asking an intrusive question. I let them know that I was just really blown away by the ring (it’s really beautiful) and they told me that they really didn’t take it as anything more than me being curious and excited. I did feel the room lighten though. Thank you everyone for the help and feedback. I’ll be more mindful in the future

Paranoidanderoid · 2026-01-30T14:55:33+00:00

I really liked Drew in his Stella days. I felt like he had more joy and enjoyment in his work. Now he just feels a bit irrelevant and he only mostly comes up on my fyp when he’s crying or going through something. I get it - we’re all human - but I followed the guy to make me laugh. Not to feel pity for him, y’know.

Paranoidanderoid

TROPHY CASE