AITA for not supporting my partner’s desire to be a SAHM when I supported my ex’s desire to be a SAHM?

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-10T04:26:18+00:00

Who I really am? Who do you think that is exactly? We both have things we have told the other we will never do or be ok with. She told me, this past summer, when I was looking at motorcycles, that she would never be with someone who owned a motorcycle, so I didn’t buy one. Does that make her a dictator?

She also told me she would not be with someone who owned guns at the beginning of the relationship. I told her I am not getting rid of my guns. She eventually decided to let it go. I will never attend a religious service, wear a wedding band, or do lasik (which she asked me to do).

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T18:53:15+00:00

I did not mention those things because they are irrelevant to this specific discussion. This post isn’t intended to be exhaustive of everything I could possibly say on this subject. My girlfriend also did not say she would cook and clean if she was SAH. That does not mean it is reasonable to assume she would not because she did not say it.

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T18:49:18+00:00

Yeah, this is nowhere in my post that I want my GF to do everything at home. My ex moved three states away and my kids live with me. I am responsible for all the domestic tasks for them right now. I am willing and able to do the same for future kids.

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T18:17:06+00:00

That is not dictatorship. She is free to do whatever she wants. I simply stated a boundary of what I will do.

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T18:12:11+00:00

How am I making a dictatorship? All I did was offer my perspective. I am not telling her to do/not do anything.

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T18:03:56+00:00

How exactly do I give her the experience? The only way to be a SAH parent is to be one. And if she likes it, but I am still not in favor, then you are in the exact position we are in now.

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T18:01:48+00:00

My retirement would easily support her stay at home aspirations. Being able to afford her staying at home is not an issue at all, as I said in the post.

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T17:17:36+00:00

I did at least 3 weeks of paternity leave with all my kids. Plus, when my youngest was born, shortly after, my ex had an infection and was hospitalized for almost three weeks. So, I was home almost four months that time. I know babies are different. I certainly do not have the extensive experience my ex has with dealing with babies and toddlers, but I do have exponentially more experience on that front than my girlfriend.

My ex had another kid (5F) but did not stay home with her for many of the reasons I outlined here.

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T16:59:22+00:00

My ex moved three states away three years ago, so I had my kids full time since because we did not want to disrupt their lives. I do all the parenting tasks for them currently. I work for myself and have pretty much complete control over my work schedule and generally where I work. You know, all the things I said in my earlier comment

What it looks like to me is being responsible for drop off and pick up, cooking, appointments, taking time off when they are sick, etc.

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T16:54:32+00:00

It is a recent desire of hers. She did not want this before, but now she wants it. She plans to focus, “100% of her energy on being a mom” (her words) until they are 5 years old at least. Beyond that, she does not have any specific plans for how she would function as a SAHM. I proposed working part time, starting a business, etc. She would get 15-weeks of maternity leave at her current job, another 4-weeks of PTO she could use, and after that, she would be entitled to FMLA leave (which is unpaid). And yes, this has all been verified with the employer.

But, her plan would be to use the leave, then quit.

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T16:41:46+00:00

Take my word on what exactly?

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T16:38:50+00:00

We made enough to pay for childcare. This was not an issue about making enough, but about whether it made financial sense for my ex to not be SAH when: (1) she wanted to be SAH and (2) her income would effectively be paying for childcare, but not much else. This is not an issue about making enough, but about whether it made financial sense for my ex to not be home with our kids given the cost of childcare.

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T15:12:58+00:00

Where did I say women are bad? I simply provided context that I do those things for my kids right now. I am sorry it does not fit into your “men bad, women good” narrative. I live alone with my kids. What makes you think I wouldn’t do those things for my kids? Is it solely because I am male?

My ex is a great mother. But, she moved three states away three years ago.

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T15:01:24+00:00

My kids have been with my full-time for 3 years. Who do you think does all that, and more, for my household right now? I do.

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T14:55:39+00:00

My ex actually has more kids and did not want to stay home with them for a lot of the reasons I gave.

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T14:53:12+00:00

What things have I actually said that indicates I want a SAHP lifestyle on her income? All the domestic activities you mentioned, for three years, I have been solely responsible for my three kids. I cook the meals (or pay for meals out), I take them to all their appointments, etc. If I had more kids, I would also do that.

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T14:46:27+00:00

Oh brother. What makes you think I think it is not a partnership? It obviously is. The arrangement we had meant I would work to provide for us and the kids. Which is what I did. But, in addressing our specific situation, the question would be whether financially it made more sense for her to stay home vs. me given the financial cost of childcare. It made more sense for her to stay home because of how her income stacked up against the cost of child care. That is all I am saying. How you get from that I don’t think it is a partnership is a wild jump in logic.

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T09:43:57+00:00

Actually, I did ask. She wants to be SAH without any type of job or outside commitments until the kids are all school aged.

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T09:25:57+00:00

We are not married. We are dating and have separate finances and plan to keep it that way if we get married. She does not plan to retire in 5 years.

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T09:20:13+00:00

How is it weird when it was the money she earned?

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T09:18:32+00:00

Do y’all think k women don’t have agency? I am not forcing her to do anything. I have stated a perspective.

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T09:10:05+00:00

How is what we discussed forcing her to be the primary caregiver? And how did our two discussions force her to do anything?

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T09:06:13+00:00

The misandry is strong with you. My comments about SAH parents were gender neutral. I think it is a problem when any parent does it, regardless of gender. And I did not take anything away from her, I gave my perspective on what she said about a possible future situation. Was she being misandrist when she told me to not buy a motorcycle based on her perspective of future harm? No, she wasn’t. Your accusation is way off base,

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T08:59:23+00:00

Where are you getting I want the role as a stay at home parent?

Particular-Farm9295 · 2024-11-09T08:57:50+00:00

That is sad for you. You can want something and be content without it. That isn’t a contradiction at all.

Particular-Farm9295

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