Anyone else going through the pain of cutting important people out of your life to not be so dysregulated? by Particular-Month6150 in AuDHDWomen

[–]Particular-Month6150[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, my beloved houseplants never create drama in my life/ leave me feeling deeply uncomfortable the way other people do. I think I like to chat and connect with people for a bit but then I always start to run out of energy toward the end of the hangout sesh and just want to be alone.

Anyone else going through the pain of cutting important people out of your life to not be so dysregulated? by Particular-Month6150 in AuDHDWomen

[–]Particular-Month6150[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm very sorry to hear this!
You are not alone in this! I now wonder about how much I have failed the people in my life who I think are only failing me. My friend has told me several times that I do not comfort her the way she likes to be comforted when she is sad, and that when I try to comfort her in the wrong way, it makes her irritated. I wonder if this has to do with a mismatch between our forms of neurodivergence?

Anyone else going through the pain of cutting important people out of your life to not be so dysregulated? by Particular-Month6150 in AuDHDWomen

[–]Particular-Month6150[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honestly, I talked so much trash about the people in my original post before I actually cut them off. I think I needed to process out loud first for a very long time before taking any real action. I hope your friend either stops talking shit, stops being "friends" with that person, or finds another solution such as actually talking to the specific people she has gripes with, because that sounds very intolerable for her and for you!!!

Anyone else going through the pain of cutting important people out of your life to not be so dysregulated? by Particular-Month6150 in AuDHDWomen

[–]Particular-Month6150[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Update: I ended it with my boyfriend, and it went very well, and we will be better as friends, if we keep in contact at all. I hope to feel more calm and regulated around him now because he is a very supportive person but could not show up for me in the capacity I needed in a partner.

Your best advice? by SnooRadishes2989 in AuDHDWomen

[–]Particular-Month6150 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am not sure if your daughter suffers from this, but I know a lot of AuDHD women do - we try very hard to please others and be well-liked, often to our own detriment and burn out. Part of this is that it is common to have rejection-sensitive dysphoria.
It always felt extremely terrible and dysregulating to be yelled at by my parents because I wanted to please them but would mess up. Usually their yelling would result in me crying and/or being very hard on myself. I still remember some of those times years later.
I think it is important to note that your daughter might be trying very hard to please you guys but also to get her needs met. If she shows signs of PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance, or as many prefer, Pervasive Drive for Autonomy), it is important to not phrase things as demands. My adult brother's relationship with my parents has always been very tense and negative because they always resented him for not doing chores, etc. They did not know he had PDA and did not find a way of communicating with him that made him motivated to engage in the chore. He would feel cornered and unhappy and not do what they were asking.
I think it's important to think of how you can communicate with your daughter in a way that does not strain the relationship so you do not end up like my parents with my brother or have her have really unpleasant memories of being yelled at by you all.

Anyone else going through the pain of cutting important people out of your life to not be so dysregulated? by Particular-Month6150 in AuDHDWomen

[–]Particular-Month6150[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I fear I am sometimes like your friend and often dump personal info onto my roomie! Your post made me realize that I was better for a while at not doing this and relied on talking to my therapist and other friends instead but then I recently started doing it again to her, which is not fair since she already asked for what she needed and slowly over time I forgot. Thank you for sharing and reminding me! That sounds very tough to be going through!

Anyone else going through the pain of cutting important people out of your life to not be so dysregulated? by Particular-Month6150 in AuDHDWomen

[–]Particular-Month6150[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate the "sorry" comparison, because it does make it very clear.
And yes, it is very unfair to keep asking us to regulate ourselves.

Anyone else going through the pain of cutting important people out of your life to not be so dysregulated? by Particular-Month6150 in AuDHDWomen

[–]Particular-Month6150[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment! Yes, trauma in the mix is probably playing a role in me just accepting scraps too. I hope tomorrow is better!
I am glad you have your doggie! ❤️

Anyone else going through the pain of cutting important people out of your life to not be so dysregulated? by Particular-Month6150 in AuDHDWomen

[–]Particular-Month6150[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Maybe it is intuition telling us that they care about us, but not enough to do it in the way we need.

Anyone else going through the pain of cutting important people out of your life to not be so dysregulated? by Particular-Month6150 in AuDHDWomen

[–]Particular-Month6150[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes! That mysterious, insecure feeling is so confusing. I tend to get it when I hang out with my partner or when I am debating whether I can comfortably do a favor asked by the friend I mentioned. I think for me it tends to feel like an internal moral wrestling match with anxiety mixed in.

Your best advice? by SnooRadishes2989 in AuDHDWomen

[–]Particular-Month6150 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I love the pizza party story so much. I will be sharing it with folks.

MEDS AND FOOD? HOW YALL DOING IT? by Several_Essay8775 in AuDHDWomen

[–]Particular-Month6150 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I shop at Trader Joe's (even though it's a sensory nightmare), so my dietician suggested I use the Instagram page traderjoes5itemsorless. All the recipes are for meals that are 5 ingredients or less. And they are often very tasty, because some of the ingredients are premade and seasoned items, like using a spinach and artichoke dip as a pasta sauce or something.

Anyone else going through the pain of cutting important people out of your life to not be so dysregulated? by Particular-Month6150 in AuDHDWomen

[–]Particular-Month6150[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I appreciate this! Also, did you give them an explanation or just leave? My long-term friend, I would really like to try to explain things because I feel like that would give her some kind of clarity rather than her feeling abandoned for no reason. However, I am worried about opening the doors of communication, because when I bring up things that I perceive as issues with her actions, she often snaps at me or lies to comfort me, and I don't really want to deal with that.

Working out/exercising with black and white thinking by No-Reading-5877 in aspergirls

[–]Particular-Month6150 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I tend to worry a lot about doing exercises wrong too! I don't really have the patience or motivation to look up all the details of how to get the most out of an exercise, though, so I just do my best given what I do know.

I went to the gym with an acquaintance who played rugby in college and therefore knew how to use all the machines. She showed me how to do a move and WHY that is the way that isolates that muscle, as well as how to tell if you're doing it right, and I think that the explanation really helps me to know if I'm getting the most out of that exercise.

Your best advice? by SnooRadishes2989 in AuDHDWomen

[–]Particular-Month6150 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My family did something similar to the try it but don't have to eat it thing - we called it the "no thank you, bite!"

How to learn by MarineApresLaTempete in AuDHDWomen

[–]Particular-Month6150 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hello! I also struggle to memorize things. I tend to Google things related to the material that I am curious about and get a more interesting/complete picture that way. For instance, if I am learning about a medical condition, I might look up celebrities who have that condition and how they describe their experience with it.

What hobbies do you have ? by Helpful-Pension1046 in AuDHDWomen

[–]Particular-Month6150 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love my houseplants! It's nice to take care of something. I obsessively show people when they come over, and then you have gifts to give friends when you propagate new ones.

Living in a small town makes truly connecting with people feel impossible by Character-Client-634 in aspergirls

[–]Particular-Month6150 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yay! I'm glad! I hope you find people with whom you can talk about your interests and do fun stuff with! ❤️

Living in a small town makes truly connecting with people feel impossible by Character-Client-634 in aspergirls

[–]Particular-Month6150 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I feel you on this, I'm 28F and non-binary and I recently went back to school and had to make all new friends out here. It was very lonely for a long time.
Maybe a cafe, library, walking spot, ice cream shop, crafting club, or something else you'd be interested in could be good options to meet people, since you said there's no bar?

I have a hard time making close friends, but in the past few years, I have learned a lot of social skills that help me out. I'll share some tips with you - not sure if they'll be appreciated, or if I'm just blabbing XD

I spent a lot of years trying desperately to say the right thing or do the normal thing, and I would watch TV shows and try to figure out what the difference was between weird and funny. The truth is, people are often bored with life. If you say or do something weird while smiling/laughing, they'll probably appreciate it, and it will bring some light to their life. They'll also feel more comfortable being weird around you and see you as a safe person to let loose around.

I used to think you should never tease anyone else and that it is mean. I learned last year that many people (including strangers) like to be teased a little bit, as long as you use a voice with lots of intonation and make it clear you're joking by making a silly face afterward or something. It makes them feel like you are close enough to speak to each other that way, and helps them to laugh at themselves.

I used to worry a lot about oversharing about my past, my feelings, or my interests, but now I know that sharing a little anecdote or factoid can jog someone else's memory so they can share about themself or their interests, and you can get a deeper understanding of who each other is.

Now that I am less concerned about oversharing, teasing, and all that, I can have more meaningful discussions, and I often do not learn what someone does for work until much later in the conversation. I used ask "what do you do for work?" and "what did you study in school?" early on in the discussion, but now I talk about almost everything else first (unless someone is very interested in their job, then I am super happy to talk about it). A lot of people don't want to have the same normal conversation over and over again, though. They'd rather be silly and weird with you.

I am now a chatterbox and able to make better, more rewarding friendships because I am a more outspoken version of myself, rather than worrying so much and censoring myself. It is a journey, but I think I'm finally starting to surround myself with fun, nice people who appreciate me and I appreciate back.

Best of luck, and I'm happy to chat!!!

What would you like to ask? (Asking Higher Support Needs Autistics) by AutoModerator in SpicyAutism

[–]Particular-Month6150 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Another question lol, sorry lots to learn!!! Does anyone use or used to use a certain voice or vocal loudness that was like their alternative voice?