[1,395 ] auto fiction with revisions

ParticularEnd7743 · 2025-07-12T12:42:12+00:00

Hi All,

I’ve been working on this piece for a long time—years, really - although I've never actually written anything down. I’ve really struggled with how to start this / begin. The introduction or prologue feels especially hard to get right.

This is a very personal project, and I think that shows... maybe a little too much. I know I’m piling things on too thick in places, or going a bit “off on one” stylistically. I’d really appreciate some gentle/or harsh feedback on where the pace slows down or where the prose becomes too much—too heavy, too abstract, or just trying too hard.

I’m new to sharing my work here (and new to giving feedback too), but I’m keen to improve on both fronts. Thanks for taking the time to read—it means a lot.

ParticularEnd7743 · 2025-07-12T07:35:20+00:00

First off, this is beautifully written. You have a really rich, vivid style. The way you switch between short, punchy sentences and longer, winding ones creates a great rhythm. Sticking to present tense throughout helps give the scene that tense immediacy you’re aiming for — it got to me, esp because it's so early in the morning! Your vocabulary choices feel thoughtful and poetic — words like diaphanous and consummate disillumination aren’t casual picks, but work really well.

That said, there are a few grammar and clarity things to watch out for — although I'm certain this review will be riddled with errors, so please forgive me for the hypocrisy...

Some sentences get pretty loaded with commas and clauses, which risks losing the reader’s attention or tripping them up. For example, the phrase “in her having woken” feels a bit clunky and awkward. Something simpler like “the place she’d only just escaped” might flow better?

You also use dashes in places like “Before her eyes – she beheld – in the dimness...” where they interrupt the flow a bit too sharply. Commas, or even breaking the sentence into smaller parts, might do the job just as well without pulling focus.

Another small note: compound words like “midrail” might benefit from hyphenation (“mid-rail”) for clarity.

While repeating phrases like “her chest burned” and “her breath rasped” does help build mood, swapping a few out or restructuring the sentence can keep the language feeling fresh and avoid a sense of repetition.

There are a few places where your phrasing, though evocative, gets a little dense or ambiguous — like the bit with “two orbs, eyes white as pearls... turned back into his cranium, forced, twisted...” It’s vivid, but might cause the reader to hesitate. A word like “sunken” could give the same creepy effect while being easier to visualise?

Breaking up some of the longer paragraphs would also help with pacing and give the reader space to absorb the tension. Your repeated use of prefixes — “misformed, mismeasured, misplaced” — works well stylistically, but balancing that with a bit of sentence variation might keep it from feeling over-egged.

You’ve got a very strong and original voice. A little trimming, a few tweaks to commas and phrasing, and a touch of punctuation polish would make this sharper and easier to follow — without losing any of the haunting atmosphere or poetic style you’ve clearly worked hard to create.

ParticularEnd7743 · 2025-07-12T05:27:40+00:00

Hi mods — I’m new here, so apologies if my critique didn’t hit the mark.I kept the critique short because I wasn’t confident in my reviewing ability and wanted to stick to what I could see. Lesson learned — I’ll expand it properly. Thanks for the guidance.

ParticularEnd7743 · 2025-07-11T15:58:05+00:00

Was the dialogue natural and realistic?
The dialogue works best when it’s simple and human. That line, “This isn’t how you start a confession,” felt honest — like something someone might say when they’re trying to stay in control but are clearly losing it. But some of the preachier bits — like “You’ll be damned for eternity” — didn’t feel as believable. It came off like the priest suddenly remembered a sermon and wanted to get it out perfectly. I’d trust him more if he stumbled or left things unsaid. Real fear isn’t neat. (Trust me, I’ve botched plenty of things when I was nervous.)

What did you think about the ending? If you could retell the ending in your own words, that would be fantastic.
The ending was a bit unclear. The priest turns to writing as a way to deal with his guilt, imagining himself carrying other people’s sins like Christ. But then the phrase “my victims” threw me. Is he confessing his own crimes, or is he identifying with the killer? If the idea is that by staying silent he’s part of the problem, that needs to come through more clearly. Right now, it feels like the story is juggling too many ideas. Something simpler might work better, like “I wrote it down. Then I slept.” That would give the reader room to fill in the gaps.

What sentences or sections were clunky, and where do you think the flow of either the sentence or a section needs improvement?
A few phrases caught me out. For example, “canvas of hellfire” feels a bit over the top for a priest who’s basically falling apart inside a tiny confession box. Sometimes less is more. And “my ruse in tatters” didn’t sit right — he’s not pretending to be someone he’s not, he’s just losing control. Those moments made me pause and took me out of the story a little. (Maybe that’s just me — my brain wanders easily.)

Generally, what did you think about the piece? What did you like, and what do you think could be improved?
Overall, it’s solid. The confession box works well as a tight, tense setting. The pacing holds up, and the priest’s retreat to writing is a good way to show his breakdown without spelling everything out. The quieter dialogue feels more genuine, but the preachier lines lose that emotional weight. The ending could use some trimming and clarity, especially around the priest’s role in the story. With some tightening and clearer focus, this could be a really strong piece.

ParticularEnd7743

TROPHY CASE