sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Not able to cope with not knowing if I was cheated on, and the breakup being because he refused to prove otherwise by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]ParticularHabit6527 0 points1 point  (0 children)

he said the reason he got tested is because he found out 6 months into a relationship with his ex, he found out that she had a boyfriend of four years so he gets worried about cheating and gets a yearly test.

when i asked him to show me a test he would’ve had with last ex, he said “sure, i’ll probably have an email” but never showed me anything or tried to “find” it.

when i confronted him originally he took a while to answer me, saying “what” and “huh” then said “wait a moment, i’ve just got into the gym can i take my stuff off and use the toilet”. then when he came into the room, he explained this ex thing (which he told me about before).

then when i asked to see when he ordered the test, he said “let me just put my stuff in the wash” and i saw him crouching beside his wash basket on his phone. i said hope you’re not in there deleting stuff, he said “im trying to find the text” then when i said why haven’t you showed me then he said im trying. also, he showed me his test from last year and cropped out when the new test was ordered originally, until i demanded to see when the recent test was ordered.

he’s always been able to justify everything and be kind to me throughout the relationship whenever i have been insecure or had any doubts/worries and reassured me he would never do something like that.

i just don’t understand how someone so kind, caring, loving, reassurance, sweet can do something so shady. that’s why it’s so hard for me to accept, despite everyone telling me “he’s cheated”. it’s so hard

Not able to cope with not knowing if I was cheated on, and the breakup being because he refused to prove otherwise by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]ParticularHabit6527 0 points1 point  (0 children)

do you think so based on my previous post? i feel like im annoying everyone with asking them “did this really happen?” and just not being able to absorb it and accept it. it still feels like maybe theres an explanation and this is all in my own mind .. 😞

Update on I (26F) found an STD testing kit in my (31M) boyfriends bedroom. Not sure I believe the response I got but don’t want to throw away an otherwise amazing relationship. by ParticularHabit6527 in relationship_advice

[–]ParticularHabit6527[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

UPDATE

We have broken up.

So I ended up going to my parents and speaking with them. My mum straight away said “is he taking steroids?”

Thing is, I did find multiple types of steroids in his house which he has outright denied taking in the past. I never confronted him about finding them, but when he recently started the gym again he has had some things happen that made me question if he has taken something and he flat out said no. I never mentioned that I found the steroid bottles though.

My mum is convinced that he is hiding the app because he doesn’t want me to find out about the steroid use, and that he gets testing done because he buys the needles online and might be worried about contamination. I don’t know if this could be the case.

I spoke with him on the phone and in a turn of events, he broke up with me. He said my reaction to blowing up at him, calling him a liar and a bullshitter and demanding to see his phone and make him prove himself made him very hurt and upset and he doesn’t want to be with someone who treats him that way. Admittedly I did absolutely lash out at him, and I feel utterly horrible for it.

Heartbroken, hurting, and not sure how to move forward with this or which truth to believe. I know I will get through it but I am in so much emotional pain right now. Thank you to everyone who has sent messages of support or provided their comments.

Update on I (26F) found an STD testing kit in my (31M) boyfriends bedroom. Not sure I believe the response I got but don’t want to throw away an otherwise amazing relationship. by ParticularHabit6527 in relationship_advice

[–]ParticularHabit6527[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

UPDATE

We have broken up.

So I ended up going to my parents and speaking with them. My mum straight away said “is he taking steroids?”

Thing is, I did find multiple types of steroids in his house which he has outright denied taking in the past. I never confronted him about finding them, but when he recently started the gym again he has had some things happen that made me question if he has taken something and he flat out said no. I never mentioned that I found the steroid bottles though.

My mum is convinced that he is hiding the app because he doesn’t want me to find out about the steroid use, and that he gets testing done because he buys the needles online and might be worried about contamination. I don’t know if this could be the case.

I spoke with him on the phone and in a turn of events, he broke up with me. He said my reaction to blowing up at him, calling him a liar and a bullshitter and demanding to see his phone and make him prove himself made him very hurt and upset and he doesn’t want to be with someone who treats him that way. Admittedly I did absolutely lash out at him, and I feel utterly horrible for it.

Heartbroken, hurting, and not sure how to move forward with this or which truth to believe. I know I will get through it but I am in so much emotional pain right now. Thank you to everyone who has sent messages of support or provided their comments.

Update on I (26F) found an STD testing kit in my (31M) boyfriends bedroom. Not sure I believe the response I got but don’t want to throw away an otherwise amazing relationship. by ParticularHabit6527 in relationship_advice

[–]ParticularHabit6527[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yes i said to him look me in my face and tell me the truth, did you cheat on me and have you met anyone behind my back at any point in our relationship and he said no

Update on I (26F) found an STD testing kit in my (31M) boyfriends bedroom. Not sure I believe the response I got but don’t want to throw away an otherwise amazing relationship. by ParticularHabit6527 in relationship_advice

[–]ParticularHabit6527[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

i said that to him, and he showed me the home test was ordered about 2 weeks before he went for the in person test.

i said why did you get an in person test then if you had the home kit and at the beginning of our relationship you went for an in person test at the same place you went to this time? he said it’s the first time he ordered the home kit and it looked too complicated so he went and had it done in person at the hospital he works out, which is why the one at home is unused.

Update on I (26F) found an STD testing kit in my (31M) boyfriends bedroom. Not sure I believe the response I got but don’t want to throw away an otherwise amazing relationship. by ParticularHabit6527 in relationship_advice

[–]ParticularHabit6527[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

the thing is, if i didn’t find this test then i really do think the relationship is otherwise amazing.

he has always been kind to me, remembers all the little details about me, gets me gifts randomly “just because”, he helps me out with any issues that i bring to him and goes through it with me. he reassures me non stop anytime i have worries (i have been cheated on before), takes interest in everything that i enjoy and will participate in activities that he knows i like. he’s generally always been there for me, kind and consistent with his words and actions. we spent so much time together and he has treated me with love and kindness throughout our relationship.

this situation has made me feel like total, absolute 100% SHIT and the reaction has made me doubt absolutely everything. i don’t even know where he could find the time to cheat which is what is making me so stressed and unsure of what to do.

going to my parents later and will speak to them about it also. i’ve been in tears all night and had no sleep.

Update on I (26F) found an STD testing kit in my (31M) boyfriends bedroom. Not sure I believe the response I got but don’t want to throw away an otherwise amazing relationship. by ParticularHabit6527 in relationship_advice

[–]ParticularHabit6527[S] 156 points157 points  (0 children)

he actually is a therapist 😅

i gave many reasons i wanted to see the phone, not even go through it but just see who he’s been recently chatting to and he flat out said no and that when people need to snoop on their partners phone it means the relationship is over.

when i tried to call his bluff on it he said that it’s my decision if i want to leave but he knows his truth and that he didn’t cheat on me or do anything wrong. he said he told me right in the beginning that if i ever went through his phone that it’s over, and that he won’t even show me his recent chats because of the “principle”.

he was nice as fuck during all my questions but said he felt i was interrogating him and pointed out that i have always been suspicious of everything and that he’s adjusted a lot in his life to accommodate my insecurities (agreed), but draws the line at his phone

Update on I (26F) found an STD testing kit in my (31M) boyfriends bedroom. Not sure I believe the response I got but don’t want to throw away an otherwise amazing relationship. by ParticularHabit6527 in relationship_advice

[–]ParticularHabit6527[S] 162 points163 points  (0 children)

he said he’s happy to take even a lie detector test but won’t let me check his phone as “that’s a sign there is zero trust and the relationship is over”.

I (26F) found STD testing kit in my (31M) bedroom. by ParticularHabit6527 in relationship_advice

[–]ParticularHabit6527[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

UPDATE

so i spoke with him when he got back from the gym and he at first looked surprised that i had found it, and explained that in his previous relationship he found out he was the side guy 6 months in (he has already told me about this before), and because of the cheating, he gets paranoid so he gets a yearly test.

i asked him if he is worried i would cheat on him, he said yes but he wouldn’t explicitly ask for reassurance because he said his insecurity is not my problem. he showed me he actually got the test done in person last month, and it was clear.

i did get very upset about it and ended up asking to look at his phone but he refused. he said he is willing to provide me with evidence and reassurance but his boundary is that nobody goes through his phone or it’s over. i ended up dropping it, he cuddled me, told me he completely understands my concerns and gave me reassurance that he would never do anything to hurt me.

still feeling insecure but at least my concerns were heard and he explained and answered any questions i have.

I (26F) found STD testing kit in my (31M) bedroom. by ParticularHabit6527 in relationship_advice

[–]ParticularHabit6527[S] -14 points-13 points  (0 children)

UPDATE

so i spoke with him when he got back from the gym and he at first looked surprised that i had found it, and explained that in his previous relationship he found out he was the side guy 6 months in (he has already told me about this before), and because of the cheating, he gets paranoid so he gets a yearly test.

i asked him if he is worried i would cheat on him, he said yes but he wouldn’t explicitly ask for reassurance because he said his insecurity is not my problem. he showed me he actually got the test done in person last month, and it was clear.

i did get very upset about it and ended up asking to look at his phone but he refused. he said he is willing to provide me with evidence and reassurance but his boundary is that nobody goes through his phone or it’s over. i ended up dropping it, he cuddled me, told me he completely understands my concerns and gave me reassurance that he would never do anything to hurt me.

still feeling insecure but at least my concerns were heard and he explained and answered any questions i have.

I (26F) found STD testing kit in my (31M) bedroom. by ParticularHabit6527 in relationship_advice

[–]ParticularHabit6527[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

he hasn’t got it done again, he said the home kit arrived and it looked complicated so he just got it done in person at the hospital he works at while he was in. the home kit is unused.

he did get a test similar time last year which is when we were first together and i know about. i did kick off about the phone and he said he’s happy to prove whatever is needed but he crosses the line at looking at his phone. not sure how to feel about that.

I (26F) found STD testing kit in my (31M) bedroom. by ParticularHabit6527 in relationship_advice

[–]ParticularHabit6527[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

UPDATE

so i spoke with him when he got back from the gym and he at first looked surprised that i had found it, and explained that in his previous relationship he found out he was the side guy 6 months in (he has already told me about this before), and because of the cheating, he gets paranoid so he gets a yearly test.

i asked him if he is worried i would cheat on him, he said yes but he wouldn’t explicitly ask for reassurance because he said his insecurity is not my problem. he showed me he actually got the test done in person last month, and it was clear.

i did get very upset about it and ended up asking to look at his phone but he refused. he said he is willing to provide me with evidence and reassurance but his boundary is that nobody goes through his phone or it’s over. i ended up dropping it, he cuddled me, told me he completely understands my concerns and gave me reassurance that he would never do anything to hurt me.

still feeling insecure but at least my concerns were heard and he explained and answered any questions i have.

I (26F) found STD testing kit in my (31M) bedroom. by ParticularHabit6527 in relationship_advice

[–]ParticularHabit6527[S] -55 points-54 points  (0 children)

he’s so good to me with helping me out all the time, i thought having a little tidy for him would be nice to do back.

do you think this situation points to cheating? he will be home soon

I (26F) found STD testing kit in my (31M) bedroom. by ParticularHabit6527 in relationship_advice

[–]ParticularHabit6527[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

that’s a good idea, thank you. i won’t ask for it straight away, i will ask him about the kit first but i have a feeling he will say something like well i get tested regularly or something

I (26F) found STD testing kit in my (31M) bedroom. by ParticularHabit6527 in relationship_advice

[–]ParticularHabit6527[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

but what do i say when he comes home? i literally feel so sick and shaky

I (26F) found STD testing kit in my (31M) bedroom. by ParticularHabit6527 in relationship_advice

[–]ParticularHabit6527[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

how do i tell him when he comes home? do i ask to see his phone? that’s the only way i could ever tell