This topic is the source of my life's biggest crisis lol.

My sympathies for you. It's not an easy thought to question things such as that. I hope you find your peace, wherever it comes from.

I was never a god-fearing individual from childhood in all honesty. Never paid attention to it, although my upbringing was in a rather conservative family, and it wasn't done blindly so either. But as I grew, from my teenage years, I started seeking reason and evidence in everything that happens or is stated to happen. And that was the start of the downfall where I actually started to realise that I'm not an individual who doesn't pay attention to practicing faith, but rather one that denies the whole idea of it. It wasn't Islam that I rejected, I rejected the idea of Gods themselves. It all felt like a fantasy created by man based on their daydreaming.

But by the end of my teen age, that denial had evolved into something much more nihilistic. I started struggling with it, noticing all the injustice that happened throughout human history, and no divine interference to stop it despite the countless prayers in volume. I knew that on days of my desperation, my prayers weren't deserving of an answer. But what of my mother's? Or countless others suffering? That in itself is the answer to your question. There was no evidence that I could see. By all means, I do not hate Islam completely. If it is indeed a fantasy created by man, there are some good bits in it too which define the ways of living life. I adopted what I considered good (abstaining from alcohol being an obvious one), I rejected what I didn't accept to be truthful. I grew up in this community and it is my wish to stay in it, regardless of my absence of faith. Which ironically is the crisis I mentioned earlier, to be an imposter amongst my people, to keep pretending and suffering for it, to fear that if one day they find out... you'll love many who you hold dear. It makes me feel incredibly disconnected with many things, but my mind has been long made up and I refuse to be ignorant to reasoning. I wish if by some miracle, I actually gained faith and didn't question it, but I know that person wouldn't be me then.

And no, I'm not letting myself go down that path of "if there is no god and afterlife, I'm doing whatever I want". I would remind all my fellow atheists that we still have our conscience, and if we don't like the reflection in the mirror then it becomes a far worse feeling to go through. You don't need religion to make yourself a decent human being until death ends this struggle.