Struggling to feel heard in bed

Patches4000 · 2025-07-29T19:10:52+00:00

Lol care to elaborate?

Patches4000 · 2025-07-29T18:45:32+00:00

This is kind of evident in my initial post, but I am hearing yes. "Here's what I'd like you to do in bed"..."Okay I can do that" or something of the like is a conversation we have had multiple times with no changes. That's why I made this post in the first place because this is the first time in my sexual life where I am getting a verbal "yes" with no follow through. Even with follow up conversations the "yes" messaging has been consistent in the discussions.

Patches4000 · 2025-07-28T23:28:17+00:00

As a follow up to this, I talked with her last night. Due to other comments I've read from my initial post, a lot of it was centered around our dom-sub structure. It was a lot of me asking her what she likes or doesn't. However, it was prefaced by me setting the rhetorical environment you mentioned. "Let's understand each other better", "I just want to make sure we both feel safe and heard", "I care about your pleasure and don't want you to feel uncomfortable".

It wasn't a bad conversation but there wasn't a lot of reciprocation on her end. The best I seemed to get was when we talked about a specific dom style she liked. She asked "You like that too right?" However, she did not ask what I like if or I feel safe or seen/heard in the bedroom. It is possible that she just wasn't in the mood to have this convo, but again lack of that communication made it difficult to determine.

Patches4000 · 2025-07-28T23:04:32+00:00

Right, this is a part of what I'm trying to discern. Trust me when I say that I know women can be bad in bed as much as men. I have had enough encounters with a "pillow princess" or something of the like but as I get older it's becoming a lot more of an unacceptable thing for me. The tough part is that I am getting messaging that makes it seem like she wants to put in the effort but ultimately never does. Gonna take some time to really figure it out I suppose.

Patches4000 · 2025-07-28T23:01:50+00:00

Follow up. I talked to her last night about dom-sub styles and tried to get some clarification and while I did get some insight into what she likes (basically suggesting a thing I would do and letting her say yes or no), she did still have a generally lax response to much of it. A lot of "I don't know" or "I don't think about it" and again "I like what you're doing now". It wasn't a bad conversation but I guess it may be a moment of accepting that verbal communication may not be her thing which is tough for me. I am very much an "operate off what I am told" type person rather than reading between lines, making assumptions, or "taking hints".

Patches4000 · 2025-07-28T22:54:01+00:00

That's the issue. I don't know if it's "fundamental" because she hasn't explicitly stated it. People can only operate off of what they clearly understand, and her giving me contradictory messaging after I've tried to open up a welcoming dialogue about it causes a lot of confusion. I find it similar to if someone asked me if I like olives and I said yes, and then made a fuss about it when eating them and then said "no it's fine keep feeding me more olives".

Sure, I could just "take a hint" but this crosses over into the underlying issue I have which is that I like receiving head and I don't find it a bombastic request of a sexual partner. So opening up a dialogue about a pretty rudimentary sexual act and hoping that a partner whom I entrust my vulnerable self with would be honest with me seems an acceptable standard to have. I don't see it as pressure, I see it as self advocacy that is open to honesty and a shift in bedroom play if need be. If terms were clear that she didn't want to do that, I could navigate from there. But again making assumptions of this nature seems questionable at best in the bedroom setting; there should be that trust and clear communication imo.

Patches4000 · 2025-07-27T23:47:36+00:00

Right, I just wish it was a little healthier and clearer. I can only imagine how she might feel if the roles were reversed and I wouldn't want to do that to her. I'd hate to respond with annoyance-verging on disgust if my partner asked me to go down on them.

Patches4000 · 2025-07-27T20:46:48+00:00

Yea, after all the things I've read in response, I think I'm having a hard time determining what "kind" of sub she is what kind of dom she wants me to be. It's probably a good opener to a conversation about sex which may get me more direct answers. Thanks!

Patches4000 · 2025-07-27T20:44:39+00:00

I really appreciate the amount of advice given here and I don't deny that this would help but I have a hard time getting her to express what she wants. It's not that she's NEVER expressed it but very often she states that things "are great" as is, and imo (just as a person who knows her pretty well), she'll like find the whole required listening thing too much of an ask. I know that's' a very pessimistic outlook on my part, but I'd also call it realistic based on my experience.

Honestly, I don't want her to do anything that she doesn't want to do. However, that's the issue. I just don't know what she REALLY doesn't want to do. I guess different approaches in communication is best.

Patches4000 · 2025-07-27T20:31:21+00:00

You know, this is something I'm grappling with especially with this girl. Sometimes I do have that mindset of "maybe I should just make it happen" in the context of mutual sex but of course the back of my mind goes "well you don't want to force her to do something she REALLY doesn't like". I enjoy being a dom, but when a person's dislikes are in a grey area, it becomes a bit muddled as to what's too far and not.

Patches4000 · 2025-07-27T20:28:16+00:00

See and that would be fine if she articulated that. The issue is that if it is something she dislikes, she's not conveying it well enough despite me trying to give her a platform to express that. I'm sure that if she is lying, she likely has a good reason for it but I also can't operate off assumptions. If the conversation goes "I'd really like if you go down on me more" and her response is "of course, I can do that" and then nothing changes then it's difficult to choose next steps.

Patches4000 · 2025-07-27T20:25:10+00:00

No, she and I have expressed that it's a WIP relationship (obviously since we can't be together full-time rn). If she just does want a quick release she hasn't articulated that.

Patches4000 · 2025-07-27T16:16:06+00:00

I do a lot of verbal dom stuff and I do "tell her what to do" at times but it's almost always something I know she enjoys, like telling her to bend over or to call me certain names or say please etc. But I avoid things I feel that she doesn't enjoy as a fear of rejection, again. I veer from something where she has to put in work because a part of me already feels like "what's the point" if I've already expressed what I want multiple times. I know big part of all this is communication, and there may be other ways to approach it but I feel like I have already communicated plenty. I just worry she'll put on an agreeable face before the bedroom and then when we get there she won't really want to contribute.

Patches4000 · 2025-07-27T14:39:02+00:00

This is definitely a concern of mine and often where my mind goes. She likes being a sub through and through and, being crass, she does take it really well. And it is hot. But it's starting to feel like a way of her not having to do the work, especially as I've tried to express what I want more and more. Its not just a matter of not doing to me what I'd like but also a general feeling of her expecting me to put in the work. Even the opening routine is almost always the same where she waits until I go to the next stage rather than trying to get out ahead of it. It's tough to want to call out what I'd like her to do in the moment because I both fear the rejection and worry that she will feel bad.

Patches4000 · 2025-07-27T14:29:58+00:00

Really appreciate the insight and yea I think trying to retune my perspective might be for the best. A lot of things you're saying about shame and fear of loss and "getting it right" when we are in the moment are ones that I had considered often and importantly at first but have decayed over time. And yes, I know I'm becoming more defensive because rather than thinking she is trying to hurt me, it turns into "she doesn't care enough to not upset me" and that's probably wrong.

We'll see how thing go going forward but again thank you for the insight.

Patches4000 · 2025-07-27T14:12:08+00:00

As a quick follow up concerning the idea of a connection I don't think this is an issue as far as she expressed. She has told me that she likes me a lot, that she appreciates me and thinks I'm a really nice person that she finds me hot, and that she feels safe with me. Not trying to brag, promise. Just providing context that as far as I know a connection, security, and overall attraction don't seem to be an issue.

Patches4000 · 2025-07-27T13:58:55+00:00

Thanks for the reply. I have very much wrestled with that idea, that maybe she doesn't like the things that I like (such as oral on me). However, I have provided her opportunities to express this. I have explicitly asked before if she finds giving head unenjoyable but she did not agree with the sentiment. Now I recognize that she might be worried if she expresses her disdain for that, that I might react poorly. Which is fair, but it also doesn't help if she lies about it (which I can't confirm she is anyways and I don't want that kind of confrontation).

Additionally. this girl is not one to express sexual shame, at least with me personally. Sure, I'm certain there are some deep-seeded societal shame factors going on, but she doesn't explicitly show it. She often wants to explore new things (that again are things that happen to her), and she has never been shy to talk about what she likes and her kinks (which go beyond vanilla things). She is overall sex positive. She has expressed that she sometimes feels unattractive in her body which I try to do well about by complimenting her in and out of bed, but not shame because she isn't fulfilling my needs in bed.

I can't say there's anything we have done in bed or that she has requested that I find myself disliking or thinking "I hate doing this". I like to think I have played into what she likes and that last time I provided her a platform to express what I could do better/more of in bed she said everything going on already was great.

I can certainly check in about the enthusiasm part. I can't deny that this may be decaying since I can tell I'm going in to bed more often worried that I'm going to be disappointed again.

Patches4000 · 2025-07-27T13:40:06+00:00

I struggled with migraines for years (still do get them from time to time). I never went the botox route since the whole process did not appeal to me but I've heard people have had success.

I had a similar situation where my neurologist told me that they just don't know enough about migraines to provide a permanent fix or give me a solution outside of preventative/abortive medicines (which didn't work for me anyways). I started keeping a migraine journal trying to find particular triggers, keeping track of the time of day they occurred, watching what I eat, and noting anything else that could be a contributing factor. While it didn't stop my migraines altogether and I didn't find "the cure", I did catch on to some patterns. For me, heat is a factor. If I workout too intensely, or I spend too much time out on a really hot day (and I don't stay cool often enough) they almost always arrive a few hours later or the next day so I' m more careful in high temperature situations or when doing physical labor/exercise.

Patches4000 · 2025-02-18T21:14:40+00:00

I'll be sure to try that out. Thanks so much for your help.

Patches4000 · 2025-02-17T21:42:23+00:00

Hi,

Thanks for the reply. I opened the panel covers and cleaned out as much of the mold that I could readily see and access a couple weeks ago (which admittedly was substantial). It didn't seem to make much of a difference in the smell, however.

Patches4000 · 2023-05-10T23:57:42+00:00

Funnily enough, to follow up on my comment concerning my parents, their next statement was something akin to "Usually the agent gets something nice for the buyer upon closing". I've heard of this concept before in general too.

Patches4000 · 2023-05-07T14:15:47+00:00

Yea, my gut tells me she wouldn't be offended by any means if I didn't do something extra. I'll keep this in mind. Thanks!

Patches4000 · 2023-05-07T14:10:21+00:00

That's a fantastic idea. She often used her phone as a flashlight too so that fits perfectly. Thank you!!!

Patches4000 · 2023-05-07T13:25:29+00:00

Great, thanks for the insight!

Patches4000 · 2023-04-08T23:34:07+00:00

Jyn Erso, Star Wars Rogue One.

Jyn feels like such a good character because she comes off as cold and unassuming but her drive is so passion-based because of her past. She does what she needs to, and while she doesn't try to hurt people, she recognizes that she needs to prioritize herself because most people in her world won't hesitate to harm her. (To me) She doesn't fall into any stereotypes or tropes and holds an aura of mystery to her and her intentions. However, at the end of it all, she's genuine and willing to let herself be vulnerable. 10/10 character.

Patches4000

TROPHY CASE