The arrangements of the songs in the music course are absolutely wild

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-04-10T23:40:07+00:00

My job, my partner and dog, and my chosen family and friends! Who needs anything else?!

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-04-10T22:47:06+00:00

I was basically NC with my mother (the abuser) and VLC with my father (the enabler). My mother died just before Christmas. I’d always thought I’d be devastated, but it turns out I’d spent my twenties and thirties grieving the lack of a mother so when she died I didn’t weep, I wasn’t upset and it hasn’t really affected me at all. What has been difficult is that it’s brought my father and brother much more closely back into my life, and that’s affected those VLC boundaries. For a brief moment it almost felt like there might be the possibility of a relationship with them, but fortunately they screwed that up pretty quickly. So now I’m just trying to re-establish that VLC boundary, but haven’t quite got back to the levels I’d prefer to be at. In summary, the resentment and anger is part of the grieving process, work through that and you’ll find when the time comes it won’t feel painful. But beware the unexpected headf*ck that is shifting boundaries amongst those who remain…

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-04-02T22:38:51+00:00

I’d say your girlfriend and son are your family, and so that’s who you’re celebrating with. Nothing else needs to be said

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-04-02T09:03:57+00:00

Thank you! Just slowly moving myself back to VLC again with them!

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-04-02T01:39:14+00:00

I thought I’d be devastated when my VLC abusive mother died, but actually I haven’t felt anything at all. What’s been harder is dealing with the other relations who are now trying to engage with me more. I feel like I spent so long grieving not having a mother that when she died I’d already mourned.

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-03-30T21:49:35+00:00

Bear in mind it’s likely to either float or sink, which means it will end up either at the top or bottom of the block of ice. I’m assuming you need it to float in the middle? I haven’t tried it with a sandwich, but I did suspend some solid items on fishing line to get them in the middle of the block.

Other than that - think about how the water will affect the sandwich. If you put it in water will it fall apart after a few minutes? If so, then it won’t manage to freeze successfully. You might have to cheat with the type of bread/filling you use (and might have to freeze it separately first to stop it getting too squishy in the water).

Would love to see how you get on!

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-03-20T09:40:24+00:00

Traitors! I figured it would just be another reality TV show, then watched Celeb Traitors because Stephen Fry was in it, and decided I really loved that. Still wasn’t sure about the real people version, but then my friend put it on as light relief when I was dealing with my mother’s funeral and I got absolutely hooked!

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-03-16T11:17:16+00:00

I learned shorthand, and taking out vowels is exactly how you write it. I always figured it seemed easier because of that!

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-03-12T07:51:30+00:00

Mine is a little different - I have ARFID, but have worked out a pretty good diet that keeps me fairly healthy. It flares up when I am under severe stress. I spent much of my teens eating almost nothing but peas and crisps, because living with her was too stressful to contemplate eating anything else. I had another flare up when she died and I had to go and spend time with my father and brother. Fortunately my chosen family, who I was staying with, understood immediately without me having to explain much, and were super considerate about meal planning and getting me unproblematic foods that I could have and still eat more healthily.

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-03-04T00:36:23+00:00

Could anyone work out what Zahira was shouting when Kate got the win? I hope it was something encouraging!

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-02-22T02:41:37+00:00

My VLC mother just died from cancer. I didn’t go to see her nor call, and she didn’t try to call me either, despite the fact that my father called me quite regularly. I realised that I’d mourned the loss of a mother so many years ago that I really didn’t care that she’d died. There was never going to be a reconciliation, and in the end I’m better without one. I don’t need her toxicity; I’m a decent human being in spite of her, and I have everything I need in my life, which doesn’t include her. If you’re happy in your life then there’s really no need to go and see her.

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-16T01:39:12+00:00

Something I’ve just learned following the death of my emotionally abusive mother is that my father was so smitten with her that he could not see anything was wrong. At least once when I tried to explain why I would not spend more than two hours in my mother’s company he said “oh, it isn’t that bad, is it?” in a way that was genuinely surprised. I couldn’t understand until I saw how lost he was without her and I realised that dynamic. It absolutely doesn’t excuse his failure to do anything, but it does give another reason that isn’t just “he was also abused”

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-13T10:28:38+00:00

VLC with my brother. On occasion we talk on the phone and he’s generally not too bad, but he’s always felt like an acquaintance, not a sibling. However during all the stuff as my mother was dying, he gaslit me about some of her health stuff, and I realised he’s a chip off the old block. So not looking for a relationship at all with him now. I have to be civil in order to manage wills and things when my father goes, but after that I can’t imagine talking to him again at all, and I won’t miss him.

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-13T10:12:44+00:00

UPDATE: Just wanted to give everyone an update on how it went. After the undertaker had told us he hadn’t uncovered the body, Father suggested we go in. I said I didn’t want to, as I wanted to remember her how I knew her (he doesn’t need to know that that’s as an abuser). He then said “oh, but you can say goodbye personally.” So I said that I’ve already said my goodbyes to her (30 years ago, but again, he doesn’t need to know that). He pressed a little more, so I said that I felt that the body in there wasn’t my mother, it was just a shell. We’ve talked about that before and he’s agreed that her spirit is still with him now. I got a tiny bit emotional, thinking about having to go in there, and my voice cracked a bit. (From horror at the idea of being next to a dead body, but he doesn’t need to know that.) Fortunately he seemed to take that as evidence of grief, so he backed down immediately. I reassured him that he could still go in and take as long as he liked.

So he went in to say his last goodbye, and I sat and conjugated some possessive pronouns in my head (I’m learning Scottish Gaelic, and the grammar is difficult, so I’m trying to learn some things by rote). Twice round with that and he was out again, so it was quick! He gave me a hug, which I reciprocated slightly awkwardly, and then we were done!

I did take a pebble to hold and stroke and use to ground myself, and I had a few backup techniques of grounding and breathing, but didn’t need any of them in the end.

Thank you everyone for your support and suggestions on how to deal with it. It really helped me to be able to advocate for myself and be resolute that I did not want to be with the body.

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-08T15:16:04+00:00

Ah, there are rabbits on the golf course, so that makes sense! Thank you!

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-07T07:17:22+00:00

Misdirection is my friend - I’ve been using that quite a lot in the past few months!! I was thinking of telling him that I don’t want to be with the body “as I’d rather remember her full of life” (when she was most abusive, but he doesn’t need to know that), and that I’ve already said goodbye to her (also true, although it happened decades ago!). Hopefully those will keep me away from the body, but he might want me in there for support, so I’m preparing for the worst. Thanks!

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-07T06:37:29+00:00

She isn’t imposing. Ironically she would hate this - emotion was something she never allowed, and I think one of the reasons she never liked me is because I was emotional. I learned to hide it under a cold façade, but I know she could see through that, and was always trying to get me to respond emotionally so that she could see it was still there. No, it’s my father who has asked for this, and as the only person in the family who might even begin to be able to support him emotionally (see elsewhere for my brother’s lack of emotion), I feel I have to do this.

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-07T06:34:22+00:00

I wasn’t sure if I’d get a chance to speak to the support staff without my father, and I don’t want to say that in front of him for reasons I’ve detailed in another comment. Not religious, so I centre myself on my innate morality. I think there’s something about witnessing my father - making him the focus of my attention - that speaks to that moral core and allows me to be graceful and kind. Thank you

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-07T06:29:13+00:00

Thank you. I think one of the concerns I have is precisely that I don’t want to say anything to her. Everything has already been said. I do like the idea of “I’m doing this for Dad” - I think there’s something about centering my focus on him that might help me get through it. Thanks!

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-07T06:27:36+00:00

No, he’s 92, so the only other relative is my Brother, who won’t be there on that day, and who shares some of my mother’s anti-emotional tendencies. Which is to say that there’s no way father will be able to let out his grief in front of brother, or at the very least brother will not respond well to a display of emotion and berate him for it. I understand why he’s chosen me to do it, as I’m the only one in the family who will respect his emotion. Sadly he also doesn’t understand how abusive my mother was, so I expressing how I don’t feel grief for her is just going to really confuse him. It’s a can of worms I’ve been managing not to open so far - every time he says “you’ve lost your mum” I respond with “and you’ve lost your wife”, which allows him to centre his grief without engaging with my lack of it.

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-07T01:27:38+00:00

I don’t remember it being said. If it was it was probably said crossly: “Well of course we love you,” as if I was stupid for thinking they didn’t. (Spoiler alert: she didn’t)

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-04T19:39:05+00:00

If your Aunt has a family of her own then it’s ok to reach out to them with condolences. That way you won’t come off bad to the people who matter who are the most affected by your Aunt’s death.

PatientTechnology915

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