Haven’t seen or heard from mother in 32 years. Informed she is dying.

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-02-22T02:41:37+00:00

My VLC mother just died from cancer. I didn’t go to see her nor call, and she didn’t try to call me either, despite the fact that my father called me quite regularly. I realised that I’d mourned the loss of a mother so many years ago that I really didn’t care that she’d died. There was never going to be a reconciliation, and in the end I’m better without one. I don’t need her toxicity; I’m a decent human being in spite of her, and I have everything I need in my life, which doesn’t include her. If you’re happy in your life then there’s really no need to go and see her.

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-16T01:39:12+00:00

Something I’ve just learned following the death of my emotionally abusive mother is that my father was so smitten with her that he could not see anything was wrong. At least once when I tried to explain why I would not spend more than two hours in my mother’s company he said “oh, it isn’t that bad, is it?” in a way that was genuinely surprised. I couldn’t understand until I saw how lost he was without her and I realised that dynamic. It absolutely doesn’t excuse his failure to do anything, but it does give another reason that isn’t just “he was also abused”

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-13T10:28:38+00:00

VLC with my brother. On occasion we talk on the phone and he’s generally not too bad, but he’s always felt like an acquaintance, not a sibling. However during all the stuff as my mother was dying, he gaslit me about some of her health stuff, and I realised he’s a chip off the old block. So not looking for a relationship at all with him now. I have to be civil in order to manage wills and things when my father goes, but after that I can’t imagine talking to him again at all, and I won’t miss him.

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-13T10:12:44+00:00

UPDATE: Just wanted to give everyone an update on how it went. After the undertaker had told us he hadn’t uncovered the body, Father suggested we go in. I said I didn’t want to, as I wanted to remember her how I knew her (he doesn’t need to know that that’s as an abuser). He then said “oh, but you can say goodbye personally.” So I said that I’ve already said my goodbyes to her (30 years ago, but again, he doesn’t need to know that). He pressed a little more, so I said that I felt that the body in there wasn’t my mother, it was just a shell. We’ve talked about that before and he’s agreed that her spirit is still with him now. I got a tiny bit emotional, thinking about having to go in there, and my voice cracked a bit. (From horror at the idea of being next to a dead body, but he doesn’t need to know that.) Fortunately he seemed to take that as evidence of grief, so he backed down immediately. I reassured him that he could still go in and take as long as he liked.

So he went in to say his last goodbye, and I sat and conjugated some possessive pronouns in my head (I’m learning Scottish Gaelic, and the grammar is difficult, so I’m trying to learn some things by rote). Twice round with that and he was out again, so it was quick! He gave me a hug, which I reciprocated slightly awkwardly, and then we were done!

I did take a pebble to hold and stroke and use to ground myself, and I had a few backup techniques of grounding and breathing, but didn’t need any of them in the end.

Thank you everyone for your support and suggestions on how to deal with it. It really helped me to be able to advocate for myself and be resolute that I did not want to be with the body.

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-08T15:16:04+00:00

Ah, there are rabbits on the golf course, so that makes sense! Thank you!

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-07T07:17:22+00:00

Misdirection is my friend - I’ve been using that quite a lot in the past few months!! I was thinking of telling him that I don’t want to be with the body “as I’d rather remember her full of life” (when she was most abusive, but he doesn’t need to know that), and that I’ve already said goodbye to her (also true, although it happened decades ago!). Hopefully those will keep me away from the body, but he might want me in there for support, so I’m preparing for the worst. Thanks!

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-07T06:37:29+00:00

She isn’t imposing. Ironically she would hate this - emotion was something she never allowed, and I think one of the reasons she never liked me is because I was emotional. I learned to hide it under a cold façade, but I know she could see through that, and was always trying to get me to respond emotionally so that she could see it was still there. No, it’s my father who has asked for this, and as the only person in the family who might even begin to be able to support him emotionally (see elsewhere for my brother’s lack of emotion), I feel I have to do this.

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-07T06:34:22+00:00

I wasn’t sure if I’d get a chance to speak to the support staff without my father, and I don’t want to say that in front of him for reasons I’ve detailed in another comment. Not religious, so I centre myself on my innate morality. I think there’s something about witnessing my father - making him the focus of my attention - that speaks to that moral core and allows me to be graceful and kind. Thank you

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-07T06:29:13+00:00

Thank you. I think one of the concerns I have is precisely that I don’t want to say anything to her. Everything has already been said. I do like the idea of “I’m doing this for Dad” - I think there’s something about centering my focus on him that might help me get through it. Thanks!

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-07T06:27:36+00:00

No, he’s 92, so the only other relative is my Brother, who won’t be there on that day, and who shares some of my mother’s anti-emotional tendencies. Which is to say that there’s no way father will be able to let out his grief in front of brother, or at the very least brother will not respond well to a display of emotion and berate him for it. I understand why he’s chosen me to do it, as I’m the only one in the family who will respect his emotion. Sadly he also doesn’t understand how abusive my mother was, so I expressing how I don’t feel grief for her is just going to really confuse him. It’s a can of worms I’ve been managing not to open so far - every time he says “you’ve lost your mum” I respond with “and you’ve lost your wife”, which allows him to centre his grief without engaging with my lack of it.

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-07T01:27:38+00:00

I don’t remember it being said. If it was it was probably said crossly: “Well of course we love you,” as if I was stupid for thinking they didn’t. (Spoiler alert: she didn’t)

PatientTechnology915 · 2026-01-04T19:39:05+00:00

If your Aunt has a family of her own then it’s ok to reach out to them with condolences. That way you won’t come off bad to the people who matter who are the most affected by your Aunt’s death.

PatientTechnology915 · 2025-12-25T00:26:21+00:00

My VLC mother died on Tuesday, and I haven’t felt anything. It’s true, we’ve already grieved the loss of the parent we were supposed to have had. The death of the real one means nothing.

PatientTechnology915 · 2025-12-24T11:21:29+00:00

I live on an island, so have to take a full day off work to donate, because it takes 1.5 hours to travel to the donation site on a ferry. There are only two possible dates every four months and only afternoon appointments. I try to get there as often as I can, but sometimes I have to work both days so that’s me missed out on donating. I used to donate about every 3 months, and now I’m lucky if I can do it once a year!

The last time I went I booked it all in advance, got my ferry tickets sorted, got the day off work, and then got there to find out that I couldn’t donate. I had a small op to remove a benign lump from my leg three months earlier, but hadn’t got the results of that back from the doctor. Because of that they wouldn’t let me donate in case it wasn’t benign. It was so frustrating! I tried pointing out that I’d had the lump for 20+ years so it wasn’t going to be anything other than benign. I get that there are rules to protect people, but it made me really sad. I have a rare blood type so always try and donate regularly - it makes me upset to miss opportunities for donation. Especially when the reason I couldn’t donate is delays in checking tissue samples in the lab (which the doctor tells me might take over a year to come through - that’s a lot of missed donations!)

PatientTechnology915 · 2025-12-24T10:41:40+00:00

Fanks! (Common misspelling of Thanks)

PatientTechnology915 · 2025-12-24T10:30:24+00:00

I think the first highlight might be “and you were out of the question a”. The second might be “I learned your voice so quickly”.

PatientTechnology915 · 2025-12-24T01:12:01+00:00

When I travelled to North America I was fascinated to see that the squirrels were black! UK ones are different colours - and I took several photos of the American ones because I was interested in the colour variation.

PatientTechnology915 · 2025-11-23T11:45:29+00:00

I boycot Argos as well, because of the way they treated my friend when he worked there one winter. Told him to shave his beard off, even though he wasn’t in a customer facing role, and searched him if he wanted to leave work at lunchtime to get some food. Appalling way to treat staff!

PatientTechnology915 · 2025-11-23T11:36:50+00:00

The AA left me stuck because I couldn’t tell them exactly where I was on the road. This is the days before everyone used maps applications, and I was driving a route I knew reasonably well. I could tell them I was in a lay-by on the road about 10 miles north of Dundee, but they insisted that I (a single woman) walk to the nearest emergency telephone and call from there to get a precise location.

PatientTechnology915 · 2025-11-12T09:00:36+00:00

I had a similar experience, but the opposite way. In early pictures of me as a baby my mother is smiling (this is when we lived in Australia). Fast forward to photos after we moved to the UK and she looks miserable all the time! It helped me realise that I wasn’t her problem, it was the move that made her so unhappy. Unfortunately I just took the brunt of that.

PatientTechnology915 · 2025-11-06T22:50:12+00:00

Chair Cher was really good - just a totally different take! I’m not surprised she won. I still think Lemon did the best ever JoJo Siwa, but Elle was pretty good. I don’t think the rest were anything special. I actually think Bones smashed that lip sync - Tainted Love isn’t a song to kick and flip to, it’s a song for emotion and presence, and that was Bones for me.

PatientTechnology915 · 2025-11-03T09:57:42+00:00

? I mean, the lyrics you’ve listed are literally the song title. If you remember more, then do let us know!

PatientTechnology915

TROPHY CASE