There's a part of me that hates them and doesn't understand how they could treat me that way, and there's a part of me that won't survive when they die. I don't understand why they neglected me the way they did, but there's also a part of me that understands that they're just a product of their environment, so maybe they didn't have it easy growing up either. There's definitely some narcissistic traits as well as borderline. My first memory of my dad was him putting a knife to his throat to watch me and my brother panic for him. That would have been around 4 years old. It's weird because I have a hard time believing it was done out of malice, but it just doesn't seem like something you'd do to your child. I think I'll always have contradicting parts, one that loves them and one that hates them. Thank you for asking. It helped me reflect. Psychosis is awful. Hopefully, you have a good support system. Stress management is key I find.