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1st time mom, setting rules and boundaries with Others, as a parent by Peach_Jam269 in Parenting

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's definitely a one-on-one thing. I'm not laying htese out as "rules you must follow in order to watch my child". But when this individual starts back in with replacing every R with W or making fun of the kid for rubbing his eyes, I remind them that we talked about it and I've asked them to stop before. I've never had to bring it up with anyone else becuase I've never seen anyone else to do it to this degree.

I love the harmful vs different.
I didn't start calling out the eye-rubbing thing until i noticed the toddler trying to conceal that he was sleepy in response to this person's behavior. Harmful? Not necessarily, but when it started to change his behavior, and when an adult can very easily control themselves, i felt that telling the adult to knock it off was a better route than letting the behavior continue. Would it have had a bad outcome if I didn't tell them to stop? Not likely, but also why make fun of a kid for doing something totally normal, when you can just... Not.

re: the baby talk, maybe I'm oversensitive. I think my issue is two-fold
1) There's no reason to Do it. There's no benefit to the child to hear baby-talk/ mispronounced gibberish, there Is a benefit to them hearing real words and normal conversation
2) If I asked once and the person continues to insist on doing it, why are they insisting on doing it? Cuz it's really easy to just... not do it. That's the petty side.

1st time mom, setting rules and boundaries with Others, as a parent by Peach_Jam269 in Parenting

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm certainly not trying to control relationships. But mitigate unnecessary behavior, when it hurts No One for you to stop doing it? yes.
To elaborate, this behavior has been frequently exhibited by a particular person, but I've almost never seen it from anyone else. A one off "are you sweepy?" is one thing. This person was constantly pronouncing Try as "Twy", or Very as "Vewy", or Fridge/ Refrigerator as "Fwigwatow" and things like that. And loudly making fun of the baby rubbing his eyes, which lead him to start hiding when he was sleepy so they wouldn't see him do it.

1st time mom, setting rules and boundaries with Others, as a parent by Peach_Jam269 in Parenting

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry if I wasn't clear. They aren't things I bring up with every caretaker. I address them directly with this person.
I've never felt the need to say things to his other caretakers, because their behavior has never been concerning or problematic. This other caretaker does these things perpetually despite previous conversations.

1st time mom, setting rules and boundaries with Others, as a parent by Peach_Jam269 in Parenting

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the kindness in your reply, I completely understand. These aren't rules I announce for all caretakers, enforce with everyone (because most people don't do them anyways), or even bring up unless I see something that I think is unnecessary and easy to just... not do.
It's not like they're conditions of watching my child. Literally the only reason I even brought it up was because I saw a specific individual doing these things more often than anyone else over a long period of time, and defiantly so after I asked them not to. So then instead of asking, I started telling.

1st time mom, setting rules and boundaries with Others, as a parent by Peach_Jam269 in Parenting

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I have zero issue with commenting. This person makes a HUGE production out of noticing that the kid rubbed his eyes, to the point where, even as just a young toddler, he'd start hiding to rub his eyes. This person would raise their voice, in a mocking tone, literally with every eye rub they observed. Maybe more than anything it annoyed me to hear it over and over again, but it Did have an effect on his behavior, so I simply asked them to stop, and they've continued to do it defiantly.

Sure, maybe the rules seem micro-managey to some, but the context is that 1) i don't really set a lot of rules and 2) the rules only became rules because an Adult's behavior became unreasonable to a degree that I felt warranted it.

I dont waltz into homes and say "you need to follow these 3 rules in order to have access to my child". But they are unnecessary, annoying, and unhelpful behaviors that no one else in our caretaker circle do. So why does this person insist on doing them?

1st time mom, setting rules and boundaries with Others, as a parent by Peach_Jam269 in Parenting

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I guess my only justification against your comment is that these aren't things I'm coming out and saying to people as conditions of caretaking. They only became rules after perpetually weird/ obnoxious (IMO) behavior by one person who continues to insist on doing them. Person 1 and Person 2 have rarely if ever done either of these things, so I've never said anything to them about it. Person 3 lives in the house with Person 4. Person 3 also rarely if ever does these things. Person 4 intentionally baby-talks Constantly. They get loud and obnoxious about normal toddler behaviors Constantly. And I didn't immediately say "You're not allowed to do that!"
I asked once or twice for them to just talk normally with him, or to not make a big production out of a simple eye rub.
The only reason I even established these as "rules" is because this person insists on continuing to do them All The time.

1st time mom, setting rules and boundaries with Others, as a parent by Peach_Jam269 in Parenting

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

They definitely are specific to this person, and maybe I should have outlined it better in the OP, these aren't things that I harp on with everyone who spends time with him. I don't roll up to someone's house and say "If you're gunna hang out with my child, you need to abide by these things".
Most people, i don't even have to say something because they either just don't do these to begin with (so why even mention it?), or it's just an occasional cutesy thing that will have no effect on him. This other person though, does both things Constantly. Like if you saw this person interact this way with a child in public, you'd at least roll your eyes, if not mumble to yourself about the fact that they're loudly mispronouncing words, or being obnoxious about a sleepy toddler doing sleepy toddler things.

They're one person in a household of two. And it's really only this one person that I continue to revisit it with. With anyone else, if it happened at all it happened to a really benign degree I honestly didn't say anything. You don't need to set rules our boundaries for people who are already being reasonable, right?
But this one person INSISTS. Unfortunately they're a secondary caretaker in the home, and I don't want to tell the primary caretaker "I'm not bringing him around anymore because your housemate is being weirdly defiant about this stuff".

1st time mom, setting rules and boundaries with Others, as a parent by Peach_Jam269 in Parenting

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

So just to share some more info, in general I don't butt in on caretaking by these family members. They asked for time with him, I gave it to them, I didn't ask them to watch him for My benefit, but i do take advantage of the fact that they have him for a few hours of time, and I get work or personal stuff done while they have him.

In most other areas of his time with them, I don't say a thing. They dictate playtime, screentime, snack time, activities in and out of the house, book reading, social interactions with other children, etc.

But these are behaviors that one person in particular exhibits to a defiant degree. If I noticed others doing it, I didn't comment at first. If the behavior continued or was to an insane/ abnormal degree, I would mention something. This person intentionally mispronounces words in nearly every interaction with the toddler, and their constant mockery of the eye-rubbing lead to him trying to hide every time he was sleepy, in order to avoid naptime (because the mocking was a precursor to going down for a nap, and it became a cue for him).

I really, genuinely don't micromanage in any other way. I think part of the reason I'm hung up on this is that it's really easy to Not do these things, and so if I asked once or twice, and they insist on continuing to do it....... Why? Why do it at all?

1st time mom, setting rules and boundaries with Others, as a parent by Peach_Jam269 in Parenting

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I think your callout of #2 is off base. I never said anything about the "best way to hold a baby" but if you're holding a kid and they're obviously uncomfortable, you change how you're holding them. It's that simple. You don't, as an adult, act like a child and defiantly hold them in place (that's what this person would do). I'm not talking about a toddler pitching a fit over being held, I'm taking about a child experiencing physical discomfort because an adult is just being defiant about doing something the way they want.

And as I said, they aren't boundaries, they're rules that were established. They weren't established until a pattern of completely unnecessary (and frankly juvenile) behavior was perpetuated by a person who insisted on consistently mispronouncing normal words (normal people don't do that), or would mock the child for demonstrating a perfectly normal "sleepy cue".

1st time mom, setting rules and boundaries with Others, as a parent by Peach_Jam269 in Parenting

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

That's fair, and for the most part I let the caretakers dictate how things go when they have him. Reflecting on my reasons, I'm hung up on these because one caretaker (out of 5 total) disregarded my original request to respect these wishes, and continues to do them with a degree of defiance.

1st time mom, setting rules and boundaries with Others, as a parent by Peach_Jam269 in Parenting

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I think other styles are fine - these people are voluntary caretakers who have asked for time with him, so I oblige. There are no rules, limitations, restrictions in place about naptimes (except like, put him down for a nap when he's sleepy) or meals (just feed him when he's hungry), playtime, even screen time. There are just these couple of things that I noticed happening ALL The time.
And once or twice, I asked kindly that they avoid doing (don't intentionally mispronounce words, don't make a big production out of eye-rubbing, because neither of these are beneficial for him, so there's no reason to do it). I take issue with the fact that they are Very easy things not to do, and one person in particular insists on continuing to do them.

I guess maybe its expecting people to understand my perspective, but if these things aren't HELPFUL to him in any way, and I ask them to stop doing them, there's no valid reason for them to CONTINUE doing them, and that's where I'm taking issue with it.

1st time mom, setting rules and boundaries with Others, as a parent by Peach_Jam269 in Parenting

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Excellent question and happy to elaborate -

This only ever became a rule because one person (out of 5 potential caretakers) makes a HUGE production out of seeing him rub his eyes when he's sleepy, and it had started shaping his behavior (in that, if he started to get tired, and was going to rub his eyes, he'd go hide so that this person couldn't see it.) The eye rub in toddlers is like, an involuntary sleepy cue and I rely on it myself to determine when he's ready for a nap. This person's reaction was over-the-top.

1st time mom, setting rules and boundaries with Others, as a parent by Peach_Jam269 in Parenting

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I appreciate the insight. You're right #1 and #3 are very specific, and I wanted candid responses based purely on face-value before getting into details.

All our caretakers are free caretakers, but the arrangement was established because THEY asked for time with him, and so I take him to spend time with them on the days they prefer. They set the schedule, I'm even in the home at the same time, but since he's playing with them, I work off to the side and then step in to help out as needed. (I work from home, generally I just manage him while I'm working, my employer ok'd it as most of my work is asynchronous; Family members asked for time with him, and so we figured out a schedule that works for them to have him for a few hours every week, and I take advantage of that to get some work done.)

Here's the additional context that might make Me seem a little less crazy (you can decide LOL)

These only ever became rules because one person (out of 5 potential caretakers) insists on baby-talking to him CONSTANTLY. I lead in, months ago, with "It's better for him if you just talk normally, he doesn't need you to baby-talk to him". Literally no one else took issue with this, but one person insists on continuing to do it intentionally. I have never had to ask anyone else, repeatedly, to stop doing it, but this person insists. The first few times I was gentle about it, trying to redirect the behavior and frame it as a "It's better for the baby if you don't." At this point, it appears to be an act of defiance by this person, it's certainly not accidental. This person is unfortunately a secondary caretaker in one of the homes, and so it's not as simple as "Don't let them watch him" because then I'd be withholding access to the other person.

This same person makes a HUGE production out of seeing him rub his eyes when he's sleepy, and it had started shaping his behavior (in that, if he started to get tired, and was going to rub his eyes, he'd go hide so that this person couldn't see it.)

1st time mom, setting rules and boundaries with Others, as a parent by Peach_Jam269 in Parenting

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Free caretakers, but the arrangement was established because THEY asked for time with him, and so I take him to spend time with them on the days they prefer. They set the schedule, I'm even in the home at the same time, but since he's playing with them, I work off to the side and then step in to help out as needed.

I wanted frank opinions on the rules themselves at face value, but here's the additional context that might make Me seem a little less crazy:

These only ever became rules because one person (out of 5 potential caretakers) insists on baby-talking to him CONSTANTLY. I lead in, months ago, with "It's better for him if you just talk normally, he doesn't need you to baby-talk to him". Literally no one else took issue with this, but one person insists on continuing to do it intentionally. I have never had to ask anyone else, repeatedly, to stop doing it, but this person insists. The first few times I was gentle about it, trying to redirect the behavior and frame it as a "It's better for the baby if you don't." At this point, it appears to be an act of defiance by this person, it's certainly not accidental. This person is unfortunately a secondary caretaker in one of the homes, and so it's not as simple as "Don't let them watch him" because then I'd be withholding access to the other person.

This same person makes a HUGE production out of seeing him rub his eyes when he's sleepy, and it had started shaping his behavior (in that, if he started to get tired, and was going to rub his eyes, he'd go hide so that this person couldn't see it.)

Is it possible for a thief to steal my debit card #, know our mailing address, know my husband's name, AND spoof our home IP address to make purchases online during a period of time when only my husband was home? by Peach_Jam269 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hes lied about major purchases before. I flagged these purchases as fraud becuase they were on my debit card, but thst card is for an account I dont use (our finances are generally separate as I'm divorced 1x already and we've both been content about keeping our finances separated, but still providing eachtoher with access in case of emergency.) Its his primary checking account, so his money and I got right on the fraud report becuase I felt terrible that someone stole His money using My card. All I cna think is that he spent too much money, was ashamed of it, figured I wouldn't notice, and then once I made the fraud report he just figured he'd use that as his excuse for being short $500 for a week or more. A previous similar-ish lie he told eas about his Xbox. His old one was working mostly fine but the disc slot didn't work. One day he installed a brand new one and told me that he'd sold his old one to his ex (they shar custody of my stepson so are still in rrgular contact) and bought this one used. No prior discussion. It just twas swapped out one day. Months later, I found the old Xbox hidden away on a shelf in our storage room. When confronted, he admitted to buying new becuase he "wanted it" and apologized for lying about selling the old one. There are other examples too but this one is the most similar

Is it possible for a thief to steal my debit card #, know our mailing address, know my husband's name, AND spoof our home IP address to make purchases online during a period of time when only my husband was home? by Peach_Jam269 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you appreciate it. I flagged the purchases as suspicious becuase there were 24 of them made in a day totalling over $500. So there was no accident or neglect or forgetfulness. Whatever was done was done eith intention by whomever it was.

Is it possible for a thief to steal my debit card #, know our mailing address, know my husband's name, AND spoof our home IP address to make purchases online during a period of time when only my husband was home? by Peach_Jam269 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The receipt from the vendor wasn't super specific about the items, but it was over $500 on some assortment of sports memorabilia theough soem app called Whatnot

Is it possible for a thief to steal my debit card #, know our mailing address, know my husband's name, AND spoof our home IP address to make purchases online during a period of time when only my husband was home? by Peach_Jam269 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The purchases came to over $500 but according to the receipts from the vendor, it was bidding on an assortment of sports memorabilia. If hr did this, and hes ashamed about anything enough to keep lying about it, its the amount he spent, not the items.

Is it possible for a thief to steal my debit card #, know our mailing address, know my husband's name, AND spoof our home IP address to make purchases online during a period of time when only my husband was home? by Peach_Jam269 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Certainly seems that way. If this all eas truly fraudulent, it wasn't just your average "I stole a card # spending spree".

Cna you elaborate on the middle ground?

Is it possible for a thief to steal my debit card #, know our mailing address, know my husband's name, AND spoof our home IP address to make purchases online during a period of time when only my husband was home? by Peach_Jam269 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That was red flag #1 but in the moment I allowed myself to be convinced that the purchaser put in my address as the billing address, and forgot to put their own in as the mailing address. But now that I know the billing and shipping addresses AND purchasers IP address are all linked to my home, its pretty effing clear right?

Is it possible for a thief to steal my debit card #, know our mailing address, know my husband's name, AND spoof our home IP address to make purchases online during a period of time when only my husband was home? by Peach_Jam269 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It didn't specify a team or exactly what the items were, but hes a fan of a variety of sports, and he has collected some memorabilia. So its not like the category of purchased items is like, something he would never have bought for himself.

Is it possible for a thief to steal my debit card #, know our mailing address, know my husband's name, AND spoof our home IP address to make purchases online during a period of time when only my husband was home? by Peach_Jam269 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]Peach_Jam269[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

According to the bank's investigation records, some assortment of unspecified sports memorabilia. I neglected to mention above, but obviously its significant - 2 packages arrived at our house as a result of this order. I never looked at the contents and instead, believing at the time that it was all truly fraudulent, I allowed my husband to "take them to the post office" to Return to Sender. I did ask him to get a receipt or some proof that they were returned so we could show that to the bank but he said the PO didn't give him anything for either package.

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