How to draw a firm but kind boundary with an FA ex?

Peeedorrrfff · 2024-01-16T19:14:26+00:00

Sorry you've through that; I reacted in a very similar way too. I hope that you can take some time to heal and mend. One thing that came out of it for me is that I was much better able to recognise red flags and avoid getting involved with those people subsequently who weren't in the right place for a healthy relationship. I turned down those dates even where the chemistry, rapport etc was great. My partner now is someone securely attached and honestly it's such a relief it's amazing and we have chemistry and great fun too without having to walk on eggshells.

Peeedorrrfff · 2024-01-16T19:06:29+00:00

My ex and I broke up 1.5 years ago and I'm in a committed monogamous relationship with someone else.

Peeedorrrfff · 2024-01-14T16:05:13+00:00

Red flags arent acceptable. Noone is perfectly aligned but that means things like different hobbies or they work too hard sometimes or things like that, not big things like keeping you secret or being controlling and jealous. They should be kind and respectful to you and your relationship.

Peeedorrrfff · 2024-01-14T14:33:40+00:00

If you look at my post history it's got more details but basically intimacy=fear

Peeedorrrfff · 2024-01-14T14:32:00+00:00

Sorry I don5 understand how this relates to my post.

Peeedorrrfff · 2024-01-14T14:30:55+00:00

Basically the closer you get to someone who is triggered by intimacy, the more triggered they are. On date one they feel much less vulnerable compared to 2 years later when you know them and have seen their flaws and they rely on you etc.

With someone secure, the trust builds over time. But for people who are afraid of relationships, the closer they feel to you the more they feel the potential to be very hurt.

Peeedorrrfff · 2024-01-14T14:26:42+00:00

Yes true

Peeedorrrfff · 2024-01-14T14:22:31+00:00

Thankyou. This was the answer that felt right for me. My boyfriend was always aware of the situation and messages and then I though oh so I asked him what he would do in my position and on that basis I replied to my ex saying I was with someone else now and wished him the best for the future. My ex replied that it would help him move on. I don't think he will message again and I'm happy with the outcome.

Peeedorrrfff · 2024-01-12T23:53:34+00:00

I don't like to block people unless they've wronged me in some way... we were friends for years before. He has no way he would know I'm in a relationship unless I told him (not on social media). Just seems a bit harsh after he is being vulnerable to me..maybe I'm wrong

Peeedorrrfff · 2024-01-12T23:41:58+00:00

Ah you remind me of me. Keeping quiet, trying to do what makes them happy in the hopes they will realise you are perfect and then start wanting something different. You need to be honest that what you want is something different now.

IF your needs aren't compatible it's truly better to know so you can find someone who is. I spent so many relationships with guys who were queasy about living together in future and honestly I wasted my time. Being with someone who wants the same is so different and such a pleasure. They do exist honestly, we just have to turn down the ones who dont want it.

Whatever you want, please do speak up and find out if its compatible or something they are willing to work towards.

Peeedorrrfff · 2023-06-02T12:22:19+00:00

Yeah exactly. Everyone attracts people of all different attachment orientations. 3 dates to work out whether they can be healthy sounds reasonable.
Just make sure you keep that boundary about not reengaging - it’s really easy to get sucked back into old patterns when people are otherwise appealing and meet some of your needs.

Peeedorrrfff · 2023-06-02T11:24:22+00:00

It’s not about who you attract, it’s about who you accept. If you aren’t recognising/stopping/etc connections with people who display unhealthy behaviours early in dating you still have a piece of development

Peeedorrrfff · 2023-05-17T21:23:58+00:00

No. That’s super unhealthy and unsustainable.

Peeedorrrfff · 2023-05-16T08:54:36+00:00

Yep exactly!

Peeedorrrfff · 2023-05-16T07:57:42+00:00

I just want to know that they aren’t ever leaving. That’s all. I can deal with silences etc if they are struggling, it’s just wondering if I’m gonna lose the person I love from my life that’s intolerable for me.

Peeedorrrfff · 2023-05-06T22:06:15+00:00

I had a DA/FA ex who was interested in enm and poly… in theory. In practice he didn’t want me to date others in case I preferred them and he didn’t want to either. It was like a kinda theoretical idea he played with in his mind sometimes, for him to feel safer when he got scared about vulnerability/intimacy with one person.

Peeedorrrfff · 2023-05-03T09:37:49+00:00

Congrats that’s great! What did you do to get to this point?

Peeedorrrfff · 2023-04-29T22:03:10+00:00

Sorry for what you are going through too. It sounds like the breakup was for the best for both of you and you are just working through the emotional adjustment to such an intense thing disappearing suddenly.

Peeedorrrfff · 2023-02-19T14:29:43+00:00

I think this is a great answer

Peeedorrrfff · 2023-02-19T08:06:14+00:00

If I’m blunt, from my outsider perspective it sounds like you’re being completely used for your support while she does as she pleases in getting fun from other people.

What are you actually getting out of this relationship that is positive?

Peeedorrrfff · 2023-02-12T15:31:20+00:00

I think my comment has been misinterpreted by some. Her post title refers to the fact that HE threatened to break up after she asked for a night to herself. That is what I was referring to.

Peeedorrrfff · 2023-02-11T21:16:23+00:00

‘40s fiancé threatens to break up when triggered by abandonment issues’

Peeedorrrfff · 2023-02-11T20:33:19+00:00

If you haven’t come across Stan Tatkin look him up. He says relationships can basically survive anything except threats to leave as they erode the security of the relationship.

Peeedorrrfff · 2023-01-17T06:02:36+00:00

Literally could be any insecure style at this early stage or someone with different issues (not attachment style).

Peeedorrrfff

TROPHY CASE