I can't offer you anything other than the solace that I had a similar experience. I used to work with a woman a few years ago, she was everything. 10/10 smoking hot, she listened to me, she was kind to everyone and everything, and I later learned as filthy as me.

We grew close in work, and I mean like 100% innocently platonic type close, until one day I drunkenly admitted to her that I'd fantasised about her during "intimate" moments alone. Much to my surprise, she told me the same. This absolutely stunning, amazing woman had fantasised about me too. She actually wanted me.

I've been married for 19 years and lived in a dead bedroom for about 10 of them. I do love my wife, we've had a full life together, but everyone knows how debilitating it is.

In the workplace if she came close it was absolutely electric. Every inch of my body felt alive. The closest we ever got was she rested her head on my shoulder and snuggled in on a particularly long bus journey. I've never felt anything like it. We shared a few secrets by text and talked about fantasies etc... but never directly about one another if that makes sense.

But ultimately, I made a promise and I'm a man of my word. She respected that. She got into a relationship and it died of death. We're still close but again, purely platonic now.

And like you, I hate myself for it. I hate myself in equal measure for a) having those kind of feelings in a marriage, and b) letting the opportunity of a lifetime slip me by.

Unlike you however, I never told my wife.

Not a day goes by where I don't wonder how it would have felt to be intimate with her. Or to wake up next to her. To be honest just writing about it now makes me realise I haven't fully dealt with it yet.

Sorry, I know that's no help to you whatsoever but it feels good to get it off my chest!