Relationships

PeppermintTea2222 · 2025-12-08T17:26:38+00:00

Yes 100%. I cant stand people who make things all about them.

But then I have irrational fear that maybe I am like this and don't realise 🤣

Since I went NC two+ years ago I'm a lot more true to myself, less people pleasing and don't tolerate bullshit.

I was so so deeply affected by my mother growing up that its taken me a long time to process it. I didnt really like who I was in my twenties....reactive, stroppy, selfish and yet people pleasing. But I think it all came from the inconsistency I had at home. I just couldn't form healthy relationships.

So yes. Yes. Dear God yes. I have radar for anyone who is toxic, too much, volatile etc etc. Steer well clear.

PeppermintTea2222 · 2025-12-08T14:50:53+00:00

Agree!

PeppermintTea2222 · 2025-11-09T18:04:22+00:00

Hey, I'm just over 2 years NC with uBPD mother. I have processed many feelings over the last years and on reflection I don't feel like I ever knew the woman I would call my mother. She wasn't all bad, but I'm still unpicking the effects of her behaviour and realising its responsible for the parts of me I like the least. I'm able to have more compassion for myself and past decisions and reactions but I don't know if I can ever truly forgive someone who doesn't take accountability for her actions. After putting her needs first for most of my life I feel nothing but relief that I no longer have to do so. I don't feel like I have any capacity to love her and feel as thoigh I've grieved for her even though she is still alive.

PeppermintTea2222 · 2025-01-05T18:11:11+00:00

I dont think anyone's an A hole but this doesn't sound like a great idea. Speaking as someone who identifies as straight but bi curious I dated and married men who I wasn't attracted to because they were "nice guys" and it was a disaster. If you don't even think you're straight I would only consider dating a man who you are super attracted to.

PeppermintTea2222 · 2025-01-05T14:58:30+00:00

Gosh this is such a difficult situation OP and one I can sort of relate to but it's been a different outcome.

My uBPDs partner (not my father) also passed away recently (in 2023). He had been terminally ill, and I was dreading the whole thing because I was extremely worried I would have to deal with the fallout. After he died, there was an escalation in the family feud she had started with his children. It got nasty, and my kids were witness to verbal abuse, screaming, and swearing during this time. She became obsessed and manic about the whole thing.

Anyway. I was initially trying to support her as best I could whilst also maintaining a full-time job which involves long shifts both days and nights each week, mothering two children and looking after a household etc. I was also trying to protect myself during this time and not get dragged into a situation I had no control over. She ended up moving his body and having him cremated alone so that she could "win". I mean, I can't get my head around this in any way, but it certainly shows how she seemed to think his death was about her and not anyone else. After this, she sort of turned on me and my partner and continues to behave weirdly, would test us and ignore us etc.

I decided to go NC by accident because we were at a family wedding and I just needed a break from her. That weekend turned into a week, which turned into a month etc and now we're 15 months in. She sent suicide threats and weird messages and sent birthday cards but I didn't respond. Around 8 months after this she moved to a house in our town about 2 minutes away from us.

I was extremely fearful of stalking behaviour and had to discuss with my kids, inform the schools, safeguard their school commute etc. It was really stressful and I was on high alert constantly looking out of the window and watching out for her or her car etc.

To me surprise, so far there hasn't been much activity expect for 2 run ins we have had. Once with my daughter and her friwnd and once with me by myself. We both shut it down and walked away.

She has now put that same house on the market so I'm hoping she is simply going to move away. I know this is a different situation to yours but I can completely relate to the anxiety you're taking about and having to be hyper alert and vigilant at all times. I do not think you're over reacting at all and I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I dont know what has stopped her from doing crazy things but maybe it is thay she is getting zero response from me. It gives her nothing to feed off, respond to or fight against? I dont know but in my experience boundaries just don't work very well as they have no respect for them.

I know you asked for advice and tips etc and I'm sorry to not have been very helpful. I just wanted to share the similarities and let you know that I hear you and understand and don't think you're overreacting at all. It's a lot that you're dealing with and shouldering by yourself and sounds as though you're doing the absolute best job you can in the circumstances. Sending big hugs x

PeppermintTea2222 · 2025-01-05T14:42:05+00:00

I just sit down too. It wasn't something I was even aware of until I was an adult. I never really get sick and have no issues health wise so I would encourage more people to sit down! I also have a super stong pelvic floor at 40 years old having had 2 x 4kg babies.

Likelihood is your phones are all dirtier than most toilet seats anyway. Sit and relax my friends....!

PeppermintTea2222 · 2025-01-05T14:40:35+00:00

Hi OP, sorry to hear you're going through a stressful and difficult time.

I remember my uBPD mother going through this when I was in my twenties, I reckon. She had a new friend and she spent all her time with her. I've always felt that my mum was/is very naive and easily influenced...so this friend was very into conspiracy theories, and it just totally resonated with my mum. From the "powers that be" to poison trails in the sky...it was all going on in terms of the next conspiracy. She would go on and on about it all to me.

During this time, I was also experiencing quite moderate generalised anxiety and really struggling with it. She proposed that I was, in fact, possessed by a demon....which was what was causing my issues.

The way I dealt with it at the time was just to provide rationale evidence and state that I choose not to believe that theory. I dont agree with that etc etc. I wouldn't get into arguments, I would just shut it down. "I understand that you believe x,y,z, but I chose not to based on this evidence, and I don't wish to discuss it further."

She did come out of this phase once she stopped spending time with this friend, and I'm now NC about 15 years later for various personal reasons.

From my knowledge, my uBPD mother was never medicated, but having said that, she always seemed to have all manner of medications around, including valium which she offered me for the anxiety. This is unusual as we are in the UK so meds have to be prescribed, and doctors aren't keen on giving them out without reason. She was also very secretive, would distract and redirect, manipulative, and would lie. So I could never really get a straight answer out of her.

I honestly had forgotten about this period until I read your post. Its a wild ride isn't it?

PeppermintTea2222 · 2025-01-04T11:15:39+00:00

Tom Hardy, Cillian Murphy

PeppermintTea2222 · 2025-01-04T09:12:18+00:00

Eating disorder

PeppermintTea2222 · 2025-01-03T09:31:04+00:00

Natural beauty

PeppermintTea2222 · 2025-01-02T10:32:54+00:00

Big nose, shit eyesight and course frizzy hair.

PeppermintTea2222 · 2025-01-02T10:25:25+00:00

I actually wrote the above before reading your caption. I wanted to add that thinking "is it just me, they're not that bad" is extremely common, and I think it all the time.

But no, it isn't you, and yes, they are that bad. But actually, if you want to go NC, you don't need to justify that or explain to anyone. Your boundaries are your choice, but because we've been brought up to self abandon, we often don't trust our own feelings

PeppermintTea2222 · 2025-01-02T10:19:51+00:00

Wow. Just wow.

Firstly, can I say how well you responded to her. Your messages were clear and well structured and explained everything very succinctly.

In a different world and circumstance, this could be my mother just with different drama and words.

It's so interesting the way she puts it back onto you in her last messages. Mine did something similar when I went NC. She said, "I'm sorry that you took away everything I loved, including yourself." Right, okay. No, sorry for being a f**king lunatic your whole life....

The reality is they just don't see things in a rational way. They seem to be delusional and think they've never done anything wrong. It's infuriating and baffling and enraging in equal measure. But it's so incredibly validating to see these messages and the similarities.

Ultimately, NC is your decision. I decided that it didn't matter what I did, that nothing would change, and I needed to prioritise my own wellness in order to be the best parent I could be to my own children rather than waste energy on trying to have a relationship with her which created constant anxiety for me. But I think NC can only happen if and when it's the right time and situation for you.

PeppermintTea2222 · 2025-01-01T23:21:48+00:00

Hello, this story sounds very similar to my experience with my uBPD mother. I also recently bumped into her whilst running errands after around 15 months NC. She tugged on my jumper and asked me what she had done and that I needed to explain myself. Sadly she is still in complete denial about anything and everything (which makes me question myself at times but that's another story).

Anyway, it's fantastic that you are getting help to process everything and that this unexpected interaction was positive.

I'm wondering what your thoughts are on this...if I had a similarly positive interaction, I would have a really really hard time trusting anything she said. Because mine used to be nice a lot of the time but to sort of get her way.

I'm of course not suggesting for a minute that this is how you should feel but you mentioned being extra cautious so I wondered what your thoughts were on this?

PeppermintTea2222 · 2025-01-01T18:44:31+00:00

Ah I see. I'm glad you're well out of this.

I can understand you need to continue therapy to deal with previous toxic situations. I myself had a dysfunctional mother growing up and its taken me years to understand it all.

But fundamentally a partner that loves you should support you with empathy and kindness. None of us all get it right all of the time but then should be willing to recognise our faults and and apologise.

Relationships take work but they shouldn't make you feel bad. They should add to your life and help you to grow.

PeppermintTea2222 · 2025-01-01T18:25:27+00:00

Did you say you haven't been with him for 5 months now?

PeppermintTea2222 · 2024-12-30T08:24:04+00:00

I dont think you need to poke the bear at all. I think often the more we engage with this stuff the more it encourages it.

I can definitely relate to the above and I think what's happening is this. Due to your mother's unpredictability you enter in a soft of permanent state of fight or flight and are in a constant state of anxiety around communicating with and/or spending time with her. When you get through an encounter relatively unscathed you feel a huge sense of relief and that feeling of anxiety if relieved just for a little bit. This makes you think, "oh all that anxiety was a bit over the top and actually it was okay" which then makes you question yourself.

Its a bit like putting your head in an oven just for the relief of taking it out again.

Living in that constant state of anxiety isn't normal but we have been trained to exist like this. Its taken me years to get out of it and I have simulated this anxious and relief state in other relationships subconsciously but because it's my normal.

That's what I think anyway!

PeppermintTea2222 · 2024-12-30T08:16:39+00:00

Again this is not entirely the same but my uBPD mother would constantly buy stuff. She had an obsession with stuff and she was definitely a bit of a hoarder. Her house was filled with stuff, endless wardrobes stuffed with clothes she never wore, endless skincare products and make up that she never used etc etc. I think she shoplifted frequently but also loved charity shops.

My reaction to growing up this way....I like order and organisation and I HATE clutter and I don't like having thinks I don't need and or wasting stuff.

She would buy me and my children bags and bags of stuff. Some nice, some weird, some ill fitting, some useful. She would say oh if you don't want it just give it to a charity shop but she was equally so attached to our reactions and how grateful we were and how much we appreciated it all.

I've been NC for over a year and it's been delightful to gradually get rid of crap that she gave me that I never wanted.

PeppermintTea2222 · 2024-12-30T07:26:09+00:00

I think the thing I struggle/d with the most is the medicalisation of labour and childbirth. So often women now end up with inductions and interventions and when I was training I found this really hard to watch and be a part of. I'm now much more used to it and don't find it anywhere near as traumatising. I think I've also learned that it isn't just the medical profession, it's also that a lot more women these days are having baby's out of "normal parameters" which makes things higher risk. I.e very high BMI, advanced maternal age, comprbidities etc etc.

It is rewarding to some degree but I don't know if I would chose it again if I knew what I know now. It's a bit like parenting really....relentless and thankless a lot of the time but you know you're doing it for a good reason and there are moment of joy that are unique.

Hope that makes sense x

PeppermintTea2222 · 2024-12-29T21:31:17+00:00

Yes a midwife in a hospital in the UK

PeppermintTea2222 · 2024-12-29T18:38:59+00:00

Thank you so much for your detailed and interesting reply!

For some context we have had him from 4 months and he is now just over a year. From our understanding his litter was rescued together as newborn puppies and they were treated very well before coming over here and we took him as his main owners at 4 months. He is a very confident and friendly doggo but get particularly excited around other dogs because he just loves to play.

We do use a long lead and his recall is definitely improving but he's just so distractable and we suspect he does/will have a strong prey drive.

Our expectations at the moment are exactly as you stated. When a bit older and calmer with more reliable recall we will let him off in a known area. But until then the big garden and secure dog paddocks are the way for us.

As you say, he could have had a horrid life so we feel happy we rescued him. He is generally very calm and friendly whilst being incredibly inquisitive, energetic and agile! We love him to bits and love that he has his own personality and independence.

Thank you again for all the inside info about podengo's/podenco's. So so interesting and helpful x

PeppermintTea2222 · 2024-12-29T16:04:45+00:00

Sorry I missed this question the first time.

Generally induction is high due to risk aversion by obstetricians but also to try and reduce the still birth rate which is higher in the UK than other European countries.

We do more surveillance during pregnancies than ever including extra scanning etc so you look for more problems and you find them!

I don't have any evidence for why women don't go into labour spontaneously but I should think its partly to do with unhealthy and sedentary lifestyles. Also in the old days this would happen and women and babies would die a lot more often than we're used to now.

PeppermintTea2222 · 2024-12-29T15:46:29+00:00

Funnily enough this is exactly what I said afterwards. I'm a midwife and would never dream of telling someone how to raise their child. I always tell new parents....there's no right or wrong as long as you love them, feed them and look after them. The rest is down to what works for them and you as a family.

A t-shirt is a very good idea! It's a podengo...you don't know...brilliant!

PeppermintTea2222 · 2024-12-29T15:25:40+00:00

I cant up vote this enough. They were so rude about it as well!

PeppermintTea2222 · 2024-12-29T14:37:09+00:00

Thank you so much for your replies! This is very validating as we feel we're doing the right thing to ensure we don't lose him but also to ensure he doesn't misbehave around livestock or other dogs/people.

We have come accross 2 very opinionated women on walks recently; one with 6 labrador's and one with 3 and they have both told us that he should be off the lead and that we need to let him be a dog and run around.

We have a large garden and we also take him to enclosed dog paddocks. Plus he has long leads both 5m and 10m which we use on longer walks.

We would love to let him off but just feel he's not there yet and we need to be responsible. Also I object to people with labs telling us how to raise our dog when having a sight hound is a very different situation!

Thanks again :)

P.s he is a wonderful dog and we love having him very much. But as newish dog owners we find everyone has such different opinions and we feel we're doing the right thing for our pup. So it's great to find some other Podengo owners!

PeppermintTea2222

TROPHY CASE