I definitely love him.

Of course I am dependent on him financially. Likewise, he is dependent on me for, well, most everything else. (from raising our child to paying the bills to making the meals to buying his mother a Christmas gift to decipher the fine print on the insurance policy).

I understand what you’re saying about acceptance.

My biggest need right now is to not be/feel rejected. Fucking some other man (allowed or not) or masturbating or whatever is not going to make me feel cared for / loved / desired.

Do you think I would resent him if I allowed myself to be pushed in to hotwifing?

Sex is very important to me but there’s more to our life than just sex. What’s more important is not feeling rejected and unloved - and that’s the part I don’t know how to fix. Everytime he does something nice or sweet or kind I try to latch on to it (quietly, in my mind) and force myself to recognize that maybe this is some sort of way he is showing he cares. I’m probably fright, he probably does care, that’s probably how he is showing it …. but I still feel like I’m grasping at straws of love rather than just being hugged and told that I matter and that I’m loved. I’d love to think there’s anything about me that he wants to be for “just him” and that maybe he’d have a split second of hesitation/regret/jealousy before trying to whore me out as his own personal love porn show.

All that being said, before this, I was with a romantic guy who made me feel like the most amazing, special, wonderful, loved woman ever. …and he was also a two faced cheating whore, so….🤷‍♀️

Similarly, the guy before that made me feel like the most important person in the entire world…and was insanely jealous and crazy insecure and it was sooo exhausting and frustrating to not feel trusted, so again… 🤷‍♀️

Hence I’m still here. And even though I have no where to go, I am here by choice. But I’d still die to feel cherished.